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Blending a family isn't easy and it can present a unique set of challenges when discipline is concerned. Co-parenting requires not only cooperation between the responsible parents, but it also requires consistent discipline. Often times even biological parents will have differing views when it comes to disciplining their child. But, these differences are usually magnified times 10 within the blended family unit. They can sometimes destroy a marriage, if they aren't properly dealt with from the beginning.
*Co-Parenting means that with one another, together, both parents should parent all the children in the household.
Initially, I would suggest that the primary role of disciplinarian be awarded to the biological parent. Keep in mind that the child has had years of dealing with one parent's approach to discipline and will need time to adjust. Therefore, issues such as: room cleaning, bed times, homework time, curfews, etc., should be left up to his/her biological parent. Having said that, there are certain behaviors that should not be tolerated by either parent, from the very beginning. For example, if little Tiffany is mouthing off, rolling eyes, talking back or being plain old disrespectful, her stepfather shouldn't have to wait until her mother gets home before reprimanding her. If she was doing this at school or anywhere else that respect for adults and authority figures is expected, there would be consequences. And, that teacher would not wait until mom or dad showed up to enforce those consequences. As stated in my other articles, "it is essential that you demand the same positive behavior that the child had prior to the divorce." Otherwise you will be giving the child an excuse (the divorce) to act out. She shouldn't be allowed to be disrespectful because she doesn't like her new stepparent and/or is still bitter about the divorce. The adults in the house should always retain their roles as adults and should never reverse those roles out of guilt.
At any rate, during the "grace period," parents should develop a co-parenting policy that should help decrease conflict when it comes to discipline and other issues of the household. The policy should contain the following: bed times, homework time, dinner time, curfews, household chores, allowances, etc. It should also contain mutually agreed upon rules and consequences. This policy should be discussed, in depth, with each child of the household. This will ensure that each child knows what is expected of them and the consequences of broken rules. Therefore, it is essential that both parents stick to the policy at all times. In the blended family, you cannot rely on spontaneous reaction to the child's behavior problem. This policy will also help you, as parents, present a unified front when it comes to discipline, thereby decreasing conflict between you when these issues arise.
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- Don't expect your step-child/ren to instantly love or even like you. Children need time to adjust to the loss (in a way) of a parent as well as a world that they have always known. Be respectful of their feelings and try to avoid forced relationships.
- Keep parental conflict, disagreements and inconsistent discipline away from children. Being exposed to the above can cause emotional and behavioral problems. Children begin to think that they can do whatever they want. When this happens, they begin to implement their "divide and conquer" strategy by telling the other parent, grandparent, aunt, or whoever will listen, what the mean old step parent did to them.
- Always remain a parent and never reverse those roles out of guilt. Mostly moms have a difficult time with this one because they don't want anybody scolding (even if necessary) their baby. As such, they will begin to make excuses like, "she just cursed you out because she's hormonal." When you make excuses for what you know to be bad, inappropriate and/or unacceptable behavior, you are no longer being the parent.
- Don't try to replace the child/ren's biological parent. Although it may be difficult at times, children need to have their relationships with their biological parents supported by you. You are to act as an additional parental figure, but not attempt to totally replace the other parent.
- NEVER EVER allow any and everybody to come in and discipline your child/ren! Matters of discipline should only be entertained by individuals who you will be in a committed marital relationship with. Doing anything else will be creating an unstable environment for your child/ren. That person may not even be around tomorrow. This will not only help to build resentment towards you, but for any future mate whom you do decide to actually tie the knot with.
Before you even think about allowing someone else to step in and co-parent with you, ask yourself these questions:
- What kind of expectations do you and your potential spouse have of each other?
- How do you view each others' roles in your new family?
- How will decisions, regarding your family, be made?
Finally, don't take everything too personally, and don't always assume that your child's behavior issues are due to your new blended family. I often made this mistake myself, but I've learned that children are going to be children. Just because your child stomps out of the room acting as if you tore his or her whole world a part, doesn't mean that they literally feel that way. It also doesn't mean it's because you remarried. My parents were married for nearly 30 years prior to my father's passing, and they were both my biological parents. Yet, I can remember stomping out of the room; saying (to myself) I hate you; and feeling like they were both so unfair when consequences were enforced. As such, be mindful that these things would likely happen if you were married to your child's biological parent, and don't beat yourself up about it. Remember, that your job as parents is to attempt to raise responsible adults. It is not about getting them to approve of all of your choices.
For more information on creating a co-parenting policy for your blended family household please visit www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com.
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