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Wes goes down in a flame of badly delivered nonsense on The Bachelorette
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Oh ABC, you really know how to pick 'em. Each and every season of The Bachelorette you find people who straddle the lines of mental stability, and even a few who have a hard time forming syllables, let alone words. Do you pay them? Prod them? Push them over the oh-so-tangible edge? No, don't tell me. I honestly don't want to know. It's best that I'm kept in the dark. Speaking of being in the dark, this was the obligatory fantasy suite date episode in which all the guys "pretend" they don't know about that segment (while trying not to look too eager). It was set to the beautiful scenery of Spain. I must say, that show goes all out when it comes to the travel.
Kiptyn was first up and Jillian sadly opened by admitting to the cameras that she thinks Kiptyn might be out of her league. As if on cue, Kiptyn gave some really forced heartfelt doozies like "This is better than expected," "A proposal seems far off" and, my personal favorite "At some point, we'll probably stay together." All of these emotional sinkers were delivered in the most monotone voice, I thought I was listening to Ben Stein ask "Bueller? Bueller?" On the flip side, Jillian's enthusiasm made me almost ache to hug the poor girl, as she excitedly exclaimed "A proposal would be ridiculously cool!" In the end, though, she made the smart decision by not giving away the milk for free (just a lot of saliva) and decided against using the fantasy suite.
Reid was next, and it was obvious Jillian was thrilled to hang with someone who actually wanted to be there, and swap major amounts of saliva, of course. They proceeded to embarrass the crap out of themselves by not knowing a single Spanish word between the two of them as they got some goods for a picnic. Reid definitely appeared more interested than Kiptyn, but he still wasn't that overflowing with the compliments. One of her reasons that he likes her was "You smell good!" Groan. He did crack me up, though, when he asked whether the fantasy suite note was in Spanish. Jillian decided to keep it in Reid's pants as well, and a disappointed Reid said "That sounds fine." Cold showers all around!
Ed "My career comes first until I find out there's a trip to Spain involved" was next. Jillian made a big show of saying that she was going to be strict with Ed, claiming he is "going to have to bring it on today." She then proceeded to make out with him in every corner of Sevilla. At one point, she even said "I can't stop kissing Ed." No kidding. I got mono just from watching. That night, Jillian showed up to dinner with more bling than Mr. T, and I have to admit, I was envious. There were so many tight shots on her diamond bracelet, I had to think it was some sort of product placement. For the money her earrings cost, she could order a hit on Wes...but that will come later. I was a bit shocked by how genuine Ed's affection really seemed to be, and he even told her that he could see them together for a long, long time. That's a whole lot better than Kiptyn's "We're getting warmer" schtick. The most laughable part of their date was when both of them decided they should take the fantasy suite...ya know, just to get caught up. Do they think we were born yesterday? Wes claims he wasn't...but I'm getting to that.
And now on to the piece de resistance...the final stand with Wes, he of no girlfriend. I want to savor this as I write, like a fine wine paired with just the right meal. First of all, the guy opened the date by saying he thought it would be great for him in Spain, as he once had a number one song in Chihuahua, Mexico. Okay, I normally don't use this, but this is a great place for an LOL! Can I get a hell yeah!? Thank you. It only took six weeks or so, but Jillian fiiiiiiiinally decided that she wasn't buying the load of kaka that Wes was selling. Dishing out some platitudes like "You are perfect" and "I can bear my soul to you" might have seemed nice, but Jilly finally noticed his lack of enthusiasm and physical contact. He could only keep up the facade for so long, as that night, at dinner, he told her that "Numero Uno" is most important (Hey, at least he knew more Spanish than Reid), and then called his "ex" girlfriend his "girlfriend." Oops. Seeing the light, Jillian smartly passed on the fantasy suite date.
The final rose ceremony is where the truly hick sh-t hit the white trash fan. As the guys waited for Jillian to arrive, Kiptyn turned to Wes and Reid and told them to keep it real if he goes home. Wes said that they should know he'll be going home to a lot of sex. WTF!? In the least shocking rose ceremony in Bachelorette history (Where were with that line, Chris Harrison?), Jillian bid adieu to the intellectually challenged Wes, who proceeded to throw down some of the dumbest lines in history in the limo on the way home. Sounding like he'd had about 50 whiskeys before getting there, he regaled that "his acting days are over." Dude, I've got news for you. Your music career never began. He tried to convince viewers that he was heading to bigger and better things, including a new single and a radio tour. He dissed both Reid and Ed, but cursed so much during Reid's insult I couldn't actually hear what he said. He said that Ed wouldn't get a "nibble" in Texas. Something tells me Ed wouldn't mess with Texas...but that's just me. I could go on for days on all the douchy and uneducated Wes mumbo jumbo, but I suggest you try and watch it online post haste. It's that good.
For more info: Visit The Bachelorette web site on ABC.com.
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