Balance privacy and intimacy through self-disclosure

November 11, 3:26 AMRochester Relationships ExaminerAllison Williams

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Take off the mask and reveal the real you, just don't reveal too much.
Photo by Mille Joe from www.sxc.hu

How well does your partner really know you? While there may be many ways to get to know a person, the best way to reveal one's true self is through self-disclosure, or the act of sharing personal information. It is assumed that as a relationship develops, more information is revealed in order to achieve a greater level of intimacy. Too much disclosure early in a relationship, however, can have a devastating effect.

Once you get past the opening lines, it's time to decide how much of yourself to reveal. The first date is a time for basics. If your date doesn't yet know your name and where you're from, now is good time. Occupation, education, and location are all appropriate to share this early in the relationship. If you plan to move forward with this person, the next step is to tackle the deal-breakers.

Deal-breakers may vary from person-to-person, but certain boundaries have to be established early in the relationship to avoid big-time disappointment down the road. If you plan on having a sincere relationship, whether romantic or platonic, being honest about your sexual orientation will prevent any confusion later on. Be sure you aren't leading anyone on by letting them know exactly what you are looking for. Other potential deal-breakers may include religious beliefs, political views, age differences, or lifestyle choices. It all depends on what's important to you, so just be honest from the start.

Once a connection is established it might be time to get to know each other on a deeper level. Sharing your personal goals is a great way to provide insight into what you're passionate about. Are you training for a marathon? Tell your special someone what it means to you to be able to accomplish it. Considering a career change to pursue your dreams? These types of ambitions reveal what's truly important to you.

While disclosing your deepest ambitions will help paint an honest portrait of who you really are, sharing your relationship goals too soon can make your partner feel pressured and uncomfortable. Find out what he or she is looking for in the relationship through casual conversation before revealing your desire for marriage and children in the very near future.

As a relationship becomes more serious, gradual self-disclosure will help increase the intimacy felt between you and your partner. The amount of disclosure will depend on your comfort level, of course. Make sure you really trust your significant other before sharing any potentially dangerous dark secrets.

Keeping some particularly embarrassing or shameful secrets to yourself is nothing to feel bad about. Some information is meant to be kept private. Use discretion when it comes to disclosing anything that might pose a threat to your relationship, career, family or friendships. Is the information critical to create closeness with your partner? It not then perhaps safeguarding your secret is a good choice.

Want to know how much you share with your partner? Take this self-disclosure test for couples from Psychology Today to see how well you balance intimacy and privacy in your relationship.