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Teens: what is dating abuse?

Teens: with all the latest on the Chris Brown and Rhiana saga, it can make one think about his or her own dating situation. Do you know what is okay and what is not while in a relationship? Do you know how to help a friend if she or he is in trouble? Read on to learn more about dating abuse.

You have met the person you feel completes your life and gives it meaning…and they say they feel the same way about you! Every time you see him or her your heart beats wildly and you get short of breath. You feel like the most special person in the world when this person puts their arm around you and says you are what matters most in their life.

Dating can be exciting, fun, and thrilling. It is one of the highlights in your personal and social life. Dating will give you memories you will take with you for the rest of your life: your first date, your first kiss, what you wore for a dance, etc. Sometimes, though, the person you date may not turn out to be as great as you thought. This person may do things that are confusing and hurtful. Is your situation a matter of miscommunication or is this abuse?

Emotional Abuse vs. Physical Abuse
Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse: one is not worse than the other.
Emotional abuse is when one person intentionally and repeatedly hurts another person’s feelings, self-esteem, and sense of security. Examples of emotional abuse include threats, manipulation or mind games, spreading rumors, unfair expectations, putdowns, controlling behavior, and making you feel bad about yourself.

Physical abuse is any type of abuse that can hurt your body. This includes punching, hitting, scratching, hair pulling, and being forced to do something you do not want to do. Any of these examples can be considered abusive, even if it has only happened once. If any of these things have just happened once, it is probably the first of many times you will get hurt in this way. Abuse usually does not get better over time; it usually gets worse.

The Facts About Abuse
Dating abuse can happen to anyone no matter how old they are. Abuse can happen equally to the rich and poor. Every race and religion experiences dating abuse and it does not even matter what type of educational background one has. Both guys and girls can experience abuse in a relationship.

Up to 25% teens that date have been in some type of abusive relationship. Also, it is estimated that 70% of teens who have been raped know the person that assaulted them.

Why People May Abuse
There is no excuse for abuse. It is never okay for one person to hurt another person. However, there may be some reasons a person may hurt those who care about them.

Sometimes a person does not know how to control negative emotions in a healthy, safe way. These emotions could be anger, sadness, embarrassment, disappointment, fear, and even jealousy. The abuser may act upon their first impulse and rage rather than take a moment to cool down. Some people with anger problems may say they cannot control their anger and this is why they hurt others. However, anger can always be controlled. It is okay to feel angry—what one does with that emotion is what counts.

People learn by example. Many times, but not always, a person who was abused as a child may abuse others. The abusive behavior in that person’s home may have been an acceptable way to express what the adult in the house was feeling.

Many times abusive people think the only way they can have any sense of control is to act in an unhealthy, abusive manner. They may want to control how their dating partner feels and thinks by putting down their girlfriend or boyfriend. This person, out of fear of losing their girlfriend or boyfriend, may tell their partner he or she is ugly, unlovable, and/or stupid and is lucky to be dating anyone.

Drugs and alcohol can also change how a person acts. A person may be nicest, most awesome person in the world when they are sober, but turns into a monster once they have had something to drink.

What To Do If You Are Being Abused
Number one: remember the abuse is not your fault (no matter what you have been told). A person never deserves to be treated disrespectfully no matter what the situation is. You might really love your girlfriend or boyfriend, but you also need to love yourself and find a situation that is healthy for your body and emotional well-being.

Talk to someone about what is happening. Find a friend or adult that will listen to you without judging. Who in your community can you go to? Some ideas might be your school counselor, a youth pastor, a teacher at your school, your parents, the police, or even a friend’s parents.

How to Help A Friend
Recognize the warning signs of abuse. Your friend may have once been outgoing, but has been really quiet ever since he or she has started dating a particular person. They may be afraid of upsetting their partner and makes excuses for his or her behavior. Your friend may no longer be able to hang out with you because the person they are dating controls how your friend’s time is spent. Or if they are able to hang out with you, their boyfriend or girlfriend is always checking up on your friend. Your friend may even have bruises or scratches he or she cannot explain.

Let your friend know the abuse is not their fault. Abuse is never the fault of the victim.

Be a good listener. It is probably really hard for your friend to tell you what is going on with the relationship they once thought was perfect. They may be feeling embarrassed about their situation. When your friend is telling her or his story, do not judge and let them know you believe her or him.

Offer your friend ways to seek help or get out of the relationship. However, do not tell them to just leave. A person that is being abused knows they need to leave, but may not be ready to do that. They may really love their girlfriend or boyfriend. The victim may feel afraid to leave because they have been threatened or think no one else would love them. Instead, let you friend know you are there for them and tell them about people or places that can help.

If your friend is being abused, it might be a good idea for you to talk to an adult that can help you help. Sometimes we just don’t know what to say, especially in tough situations we may have never dealt with before in our own lives. A school counselor, youth leader, and parent can help you with some advice and tips on how to help your friend.

In a relationship, not every argument or bad mood or attitude is abuse. However, when negative behaviors or actions are used on a consistent basis to control what a person does or how a person thinks and feels, this could be considered abuse. One can always choose how they want to be treated. Real love should not hurt. Choose respect.

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