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Seven easy steps to proving you're a 'natural' omnivore, by Ryan Thibodaux

 

Today, I am pleased to feature this fantastic article by Ryan Thibodaux from Oakland, Ca.  Ryan is the mastermind behind the Daily Vegan on Twitter;  News, notes, nudges, and rants in vegan style. I knew I had to share this as soon as I read it.  I've heard the 'evolutionary biology' argument way too many times and Ryan frames this response perfectly.

 

If you're a vegan or vegetarian, you've no doubt heard the argument dozens of times: "Humans evolved to be omnivorous," or, "Eating meat is natural."

Perhaps so. It would be easy to prove. All we need to do is show that humans have the desire, the physical ability, and the digestive capacity to procure animal-based foods and eat like every other omnivore on the planet.

Here are seven simple steps to proving the "Natural Omnivore" hypothesis. Good luck!

Step 1: Become hungry and/or bloodthirsty. Easy!

Step 2: Identify an animal in the wild that you would like to consume.

Step 3: Kill the animal. Remember: we're natural meat eaters, so no tools are to be used for this purpose.* No other natural meat eating species use tools.

Step 4: Now that you have successfully killed your meal with your bare hands, cunning, and blazing quickness (congratulations!), proceed to use your cute little teeth and claws (er, nails) to prepare the animal for consumption. No knives, you natural omnivore, you!

Step 5: Like all other meat eaters in nature, proceed to enjoy eating the raw meat of the animal. No cooking, of course! Have you ever seen a tiger or a raccoon with a bar-be-que? Leave as little of the animal behind as you possibly can, like your natural omnivorous brethren. And no screaming "ew!" or "gross!" or vomiting. Remember, this is all very natural for you.

Step 6: Are you full? Excellent! Sit back, relax, and digest your meal. No antibiotics, antacids, or other medications please. You may keep a phone handy in the event that you become violently ill. (Note: You may find this step a bit difficult on your system. Unlike other omnivorous and carnivorous animals, nature burdened you with an exceedingly long digestive tract for the purpose of extracting nutrients from dense, fibrous plant foods. Carnivorous animals universally have very short digestive tracts that pass animal flesh quickly before rotting and bacteria can become a problem.)

Step 7: Repeat the process daily, or several times per week at a minimum.

After a few months rigorous adherence to this seven step program, I think we could all agree that you are, in fact, a natural omnivore. Well done!

* Another argument: Nature/evolution/God gave humans the brain capacity to use tools for the procurement and preparation of our food, so tool use should be permitted during the seven step program. I would simply advise attempting to use said brain's critical thinking and logic capacity to determine whether consuming animal flesh and secretions is truly natural and healthful for your body (using Google is helpful should logic and critical thinking prove tiresome). Also, please refer to our supplemental text, "10,000,000 Other Things Our Brains Allow Us to Do That We Shouldn't," due out in 73-volume hardcover this fall!