Schadenfreude : A progressive’s guide to gloating

November 6, 3:40 PMDC Corporate Ethics ExaminerJim Cunningham

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scha? den freu de [shahd-n-froi-duh]
–noun
satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.

If you remember Ann Coulter calling Democrats “pathetic” with a self-satisfied sneer after the 2004 election then you’re feeling what I’m feeling. I’m sure you remember back then that the Sean Hannities of the world took great pleasure in declaring that the Left was dead after our losing three election cycles in a row. Conservatives announced that Bush had a “mandate” then even though Bush won by a slimmer margin then than Obama did Tuesday when many of the same conservatives howled that Obama doesn’t have a mandate. Bush ruled this country as if the other 48.3% of voters didn’t even exist. We’ve taken a lot of crap from conservatives over the years. And now they get theirs.

I know. I know. We usually like to take the high road and gloating isn’t a very Progressive thing to do, but we can let it slide just this once. No? Lower the discourse just for a little while? Just for grins? Sure! It’s all in good fun!

But let’s try and do it with a little more craftsmanship than the Sean Hannities and Ann Coulters of the world were capable of four years ago. Try a little passive aggression. Make it sound like a compliment. Break it to them easy. It’s up to you.  But have a little fun with it.

I’ll start with a few suggestions:

Express concern:
“We were worried you’d forgotten how to complain.”

Bring up Sarah Palin:
“Look at the bright side; you now have four years to get Palin up to snuff.”
“At least Sarah got some good clothes out of the deal.”
“Sarah Palin kept saying that, just once, she wanted to hear Obama say he wants to win. Hey, Sarah, can you hear us now? Huh?”

Compare Obama’s probable leadership style to Bush’s:
“I’m sure Obama will take your opinions into advisement like Bush did with ours.”
“Do you think Obama will give cabinet positions to all his oil buddies? Oh, wait, that’s right he doesn’t have any oil buddies.”

Remind them about the parts of the Bush administration that even they didn’t like, like the Patriot Act:
“At least you’ll get your civil liberties back”
“Hey, now you can have phone sex with that Pakistani girl and it won’t get recorded!”
“Maybe they’ll close Guantanamo Bay and turn it into a great new vacation destination.”
“You’ll have to go back to torturing people for pleasure instead of business.”

Console them by reminding them how much leisure time they’ll have now:
“You guys have been working hard. Why don’t you sit this one out for a while?”
“Now you’ll have more time to catch up on all the episodes of “24” that you missed.”
“I hear Bush is gong to have a polar bear luau back at the Crawford ranch.”

Assure them they’ll probably win next time:
“I’m sure all those young people decided to try voting just this once.”
“Don’t change a thing; I’m sure we just got lucky this time.”

If you must scare them:
“We’re going to tax you until you need all those programs for the poor that Bush cut.”
“Don’t worry, everyone will be so busy having deviant sex that nobody will notice we’re murdering babies.”
“Hey, it’s our turn to appoint some judges.”

If you’re feeling particularly mean:
“Looks like you’ll have to go back to bombing abortion clinics.”
“At least you have Bush’s legacy to hang onto.”

A question:
“We heard a lot about God’s will from McCain supporters before the election. I wonder if they still think that.”
“Are you going to apologize to Obama if he turns out to not be a terrorist or Muslim or the antichrist?

Finally, you can’t go wrong with sarcasm:
“Why don’t you let us screw up the environment for a while? Oh, wait, that’s right… we don’t do that.”
“I’m sure Conservatism will be popular again really soon.”

Rachael Maddow, by the way, is a champ at all of this so you can always watch the Rachel Maddow Show for ideas. Just from last night’s show alone:
“Which election were you talking about? I was talking about last night’s election.”
“They [Republicans] fail at governing and now they fail to win elections.”

If you have any more, you can post them below. And then we’ll get right back on the high road. I promise.