The Syndrome made me do it (satire?)

November 26, 3:09 PMDallas Libertarian ExaminerGarry Reed

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Not guilty, your honor, the syndrome made me do it.
(source: bail.com)

News portion of this report:

Reuters headline: "Sudden death after arrest may be new syndrome"

Same Reuters article: "Young men who die suddenly after being arrested by the police may be victims of a new syndrome similar to one that kills some wild animals when they are captured, Spanish researchers said on Tuesday."

The article goes on to explain that after investigating 60 cases of sudden unexplained deaths in Spain following police detention, the researchers concluded that young men in particular were experiencing surges in blood levels of chemicals known as catecholamines when under severe stress, and...

Commentary portion of this report:

…not, as previously believed, surges of rising blood levels on cell floors known as severebeatingitis.

Apparently, once a young man is arrested his adrenaline level goes ballistic and pops his heart. He dies from cardiac arrest, not from police arrest.

So now, previously unexplained deaths while in police custody can be easily explained away: the detainee simply scared himself to death.

Libertarians and other rights advocates can take heart; the police state has been exonerated.

So now that everything is a syndrome nobody is responsible for anything. The syndrome made them do it.

Satire portion of this report:

To find out more about this newly discovered phenomenon eagerly endorsed by law enforcement worldwide, Channel 99 BlabberCast News at Noon GroupScoop Correspondent Blythe Ayrhead and a camera crew were sent to the Dallas city jail where a young man had reportedly died in a jail cell under mysterious circumstances.

Officer Chuy Donutz was interviewed.

"That's the seventh little pansy-ass sign-waving anti-war protester in three years that just up and died on me right after I subdued, uh, took him into protective custody. I guess these perps, or is it vics, I never can remember my TV cop show slang, these geeks just all suffer from SDAA. You know, Sudden Death After Arrest Syndrome."

Meanwhile, in a seemingly unrelated story, three men were caught trying to tunnel their way out of the Haltom City jail.

Medical personnel are now investigating complaints by one of the diggers, who explained, "Hey, I didn't want to dig that tunnel. I was really carping about it the whole time. I just couldn't help myself. I have this condition. I suffer from Carpel Tunnel Syndrome."

Down in Arlington (yes Virginia, there really is an Arlington, Texas) police captured a burglary suspect after a short foot chase. He was charged with felony burglary and fleeing a police officer.

However, his defense attorney, Gill T. Clyant of the Fort Worth law firm Loozer, Bungler and Botch, demanded that the unlawful flight charges be dropped.

"The defendant did not run by conscious choice or intent," Mr. Clyant argued. "He cannot control his limbs. He has Restless Leg Syndrome in both of his lower extremities. His legs made him run."

This is believed to be the first time that the RLS defense has been used in an American courtroom.

In Carrollton, Ms Carol Tunn complains about her husband's choice in clothing.

"My husband wears nothing but military fatigues," she groans. "All the time. When he plays paintball, when he goes camping, when he goes fishing, when he works on the car. He has fatigue shirts, pants, jackets, caps and socks. He sleeps in camouflage underwear. He wears his sky blue camo battle dress fatigues when we go out to dinner."

But she isn’t finished. "He has 73 pairs of fatigues in the closet. Army, Marine, Paratrooper, Special Forces, you name it. He has dessert camo, jungle camo, woodland camo, city camo, tiger stripe, Khakis, olive drab and Navy blues. He wears his fatigues chronically. He has ... he has..."

Her husband glumly interjects, "I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome."