Relationship Improvement 101: How can I communicate effectively?

July 19, 11:27 PMSF Relationship Improvement ExaminerJenna Rogers

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A relationship without effective communication is like a pile of dog poop.  Given enough time, it will start to stink of assumptions and misunderstandings and will eventually deteriorate into nothing. Below are some basics to remember when communicating with your loved one:

1. Listen. Listen to what the other person has to say. Let them complete their thoughts before jumping in with a response. You don’t want to be interrupted when it’s your turn, give your partner the same courtesy. 
2. Repeat what you hear.  After your partner shares their concerns with you, repeat back what you've heard and then ask if it’s accurate.  Basically, you want to say, “so what I’m hearing you say is....”.  Too many times we hear something different than what our partner is actually saying, or trying to say. This exercise is a great tool to make sure you’re both on the same page.  
3. Be respectful. Keep it clean. No name calling, no cursing. If you can stay calm you’re much more likely to have a willing listener. Aren’t you more receptive when someone isn’t calling you a B*#%!?
4. Watch your body language. This is something we might not pay much attention to, but it’s just as important as our words. Take notice. Are you sitting there with your arms crossed and brow furrowed? If so, you’re already coming across as negative and defensive, setting the stage for an uphill battle. Relax your face, arms to your side. You want to be open to resolution, not closed. Here's an interesting list of body postures and what they indicate. 
5. Just the facts, ma’am.  Try discussing the issue at hand without your opinionated commentary. For example, instead of saying, “you’re obviously terribly insecure, have a huge wall up and never want to open up to me”,  you could say, “I’m feeling like you’re pulling away from me, it feels like you’re not as open as you used to be. Is that accurate”? Leaving out unnecessary opinions and assumptions leaves more room for an honest and beneficial discussion sans the oh-too-easy passive-aggressive attack on your partner. 

Feel free to email Jenna with any questions or comments.

For more info: 

• The how to's of compassionate communication
• How to fight effectively
• 10 mistakes married women make by Brandi Fleeks, LA Sex and Relationships Examiner