Top 12 kinky and strange celebrity sex rituals

May 19, 1:48 PMBaltimore Celebrity Headlines ExaminerCheryl Taragin

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Before you begin reading this page, I’m issuing a red alert. The following article is NSFW, a stamp on material almost guaranteed to embarrass the user around busybody co-workers who can’t resist looking over shoulders whenever the opportunity arises. For that reason, I will not mind in the least if anyone decides right now to click away.

Go on. Click away. Especially if you’re the kind of person who is easily offended, be gone! I’m in no mood for scathing rebukes, anonymous flames, or any other concocted method of complaint regarding the following subject material.

Still here?

Shame on you!

Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to read salacious filth?

OK, don’t have a cow. I’m not here to lecture. My purpose is -- as it is almost every weekday -- to report, opine, amuse, and comment about the wonderful world of celebrity happenings, trivial and mundane as they may be, but nevertheless newsworthy. Long ago, I made up my mind that somebody might as well have fun with this subject and today, I am that somebody.

Take recent revelations about Lady GaGa –- please.

Don’t know who she is? Neither did I until the pop singer boldly flipped her tarts down the stage of “American Idol.” Strutting and preening to a barely intelligible hit song, I finally had to ask my 15-year old to explain the relationship between GaGa's forcible contortions, deafening synthesizer, and indecipherable, “pah pah pah po po pah ma po” lyrics.

I’m thinking strobe lights against a dark background probably hypnotized the audience into a false sense of complacency. Anyone with the gift of sight could see the girl was nothing more than fancy make-up painted on supple body stuffed into one-of-a-kind designer fashion. Her voice was certainly nothing to write home about. Unlike younger and ostensibly cooler minds, I wasn’t feeling the Lady G vibe.

With songwriting talent about her only redeeming virtue, recent news of her strange sex practices set my wheels in motion. While everyone else and their brother merely regurgitated the revelation, I decided to keep m’lady company by compiling a top 12 list of kinky and strange celebrity sex rituals. After all, show business is overflowing with titillating sexual tales, why should GaGa receive the bulk of attention?

LADY GAGA

The Lady likes to love ‘em and leave ‘em with a personal souvenir: her false eyelashes. Imagine finding a pair of skanky eyelashes, all jelly-like and curled up like fury caterpillars waiting on your pillow as a tryst memento? Yuk.

LINDSAY LOHAN

Probably tongue-in-cheek reporting, but pictures say a thousand words. Lola likes to get aroused by burning her tabloid photographs. So that may explain the recent rash of hotel room fires in her area.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Unable to connect with her then boyfriend during sex, Jolie began slicing him with a knife. When he dug her back, she felt exhilarated and alive, not to mention morbidly fixated. But hey, what’s a little mutilation between consenting adults?

SHIA LABEOUF

The “Transformers” star enjoys having his hair pulled and surreptitiously playing Peeping Tom on his movie sets.

CARMEN ELECTRA

Girl likes to bend coat hangers and spank it or dip it, whatever causes the right amount of pain. Since intentionally mixing pleasure with pain is highly overrated, she also enjoys dangerous handcuffs and naughty lingerie.

PETE WENTZ

We all heard about his nauseatingly no holds barred Howard Stern interview. Over and over and over again. Enough! Do I have to remind anyone that Wentz and lovely wife Ashlee Simpson like to get it on with ceiling mirrors and lap dances?

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

This is just plain annoying, although, I suppose parents of young children have to do something to kick up their sex lives. Aguilera and husband Jordan Bratman get hot and bothered by making wounded animal noises while skinny-dipping in the backyard. Imagine what it’s like to live in that neighborhood.

EDDIE MURPHY

And what would the top 12 of kinky and strange celebrity sex rituals be without this “Saturday Night Live” alumna? Caught red-handed in a transvestite hooker scandal that may have contributed to the end of his first marriage, Murphy insists to this day that nothing happened. His word against the transvestite's. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, dead men tell no tales.

MICK JAGGER

Finally, secrets revealed of the sexy Rolling Stones lead singer’s bee stung lips: real bee stings. And that’s not the only tender body part that enlarges when stung by bees. *shudder*

JOHN MAYER

Not quite as horrifying as other kinky celebrity sex, the wonderland explorer likes crazy positions, feathers, ice cubes, and liberal dollops of whipped cream.

EVA LONGORIA PARKER

Tie her up! Oh yeah. Silk scarf bondage. That’s it. “Desperate Housewives” recently aired an episode showing Longoria engaged in the sexual turn-on although, for the most part, the audience had no idea of its significance. At least not until now.

BOY GEORGE

Dude likes his sex so kinky and strange, he was sentenced to prison. But I hear he's out early. Must have enjoyed himself on the inside. Just look at the size of that smile.