Top 10 best red carpet moments of 'This Is It' L.A. premiere

October 28, 11:31 PMBaltimore Celebrity Headlines ExaminerCheryl Taragin

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Michelle Stevenson of Los Angeles arrives to the premiere of Michael Jackson's "This Is It" on Tuesday, Oct. 27, 2009, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

Last night’s L.A. “This Is It” premiere wasn’t exactly a red carpet event. Oh, to be sure, it was quite an extravaganza. Just one without a carpet. Michael Jackson impersonators and related dancers required a sleeker surface for their gesticulations.

You try shimmying inside a twirling cage stuck on pillowy fibers. Not a pretty sight.

Instead, hundreds of fans lined barriers against a sleek red floor to watch celebrities signing autographs and acting generally fabulous outside the Nokia Theatre. From many accounts, the rushed-to-production documentary of Michael Jackson's final days did not disappoint. In the affectionate words of brother Jermaine Jackson, the footage reflects preparation for “probably one of the greatest shows ever.” Strong praise for the concert tour that wasn't.

Watch raw footage of the premiere from “Extra” TV

Wading through so much paparazzi flotsam, it occurred to me that some of these pictures were hilariously off-kilter. Like the look on Paula Abdul's face as her cocktail dress billowed in the breeze. For lack of a better title, here's a collection of what I like to call "The Top 10 What Does This Photograph Signify” moments catching celebrities (somewhat) off guard in their natural habitat.

Paula Abdul

Hold on to that silver hand bag Paula, your dress is about to fly away. Who knew L.A. was so windy in October? Certainly not the “American Idol” castaway who chose a colorful combination of hot coral heels to match the bodice of an almost see-through violet blue taffeta. Paula looks like she has quite a booty going on for her whirlwind moment. Fans snapping pictures behind her back may have captured way more than they bargained for. As for the fan most likely to have glimpsed Paula’s underwear, my money’s on the little girl leaning against the big guy’s shoulder.

Corey Monteith and Kevin McHale

Okay, I’ll admit I’m a gleek freak. As in, someone who loves Fox ratings winner “Glee” so much she clears her calendar every Wednesday night at 9 p.m. AND TiVos the episodes. What? Ultra-geeky wheelchair bound Kevin McHale isn’t actually disabled? Get out! Alright, I knew. But check out the swashbuckler-like jacket, nerd-chic Ira Glass lenses, skinny jeans, and hunky Corey Monteith traveling accessory. Cool guy with hands in the pockets showing just a hint of thumb evokes Johnny Depp mystique. Be still my heart.

Travis Payne

Now that’s what I call class. Oh, you thought I was referring to Choreographer Travis Payne’s white jacket? Payne is rather stunning in the 21st century update of classic Michael Jackson contrasted against black stretch jeans, but I was referring to all those elaborate crystal chandeliers. From where exactly are they hanging? Pre-existing metal towers? Special cranes brought in just for the premiere? Clouds? Someone got very imaginative here. Can’t help wondering whether those babies will be staying for the full two-week limited engagement or are already disassembled. Props to whoever had the guts to waste studio money on such a fancy schmancy design.

Frank Dileo

Nobody recognizes this mafioso wannabe. Look at the fans craning their necks in a different direction. Just goes to show you can be one of the most well connected wealthy buzzards in Hollywood and nobody knows your name, or even cares whether you’re a washed-up has-been or back-on-top sugar daddy. No one, of course, except photographer Chris Pizzello. The expensive pinky ring and smelly cigar must have been dead giveaways. Or perhaps the not so fashionable white handkerchief tucked inside his front pocket. Does anyone except former “GoodFellas” glitterati who don’t give a flying fashion fig dress like that anymore? This still could be straight out of 1950's New Joisey.

Ashley Tisdale

Why the pursed lips? Did someone make a crude reference to the bobbed nose? Actually, Tisdale has a habit of lip calisthenics as gleaned from various other photographs. I’ll never understand why stars like her endure the time and discomfort of altering their good looks just to blend in with a society of artificial humanity. Why not remain a true original? And is that a soccer ball motif on her black T-shirt? Way to go casual. Hell, it’s only one of the flashiest premieres in movie history.

Paris Hilton

Here’s something I like to see. A star who isn’t too busy to stop and mingle with the little people. Too bad it’s celebutante and reality TV personality Paris Hilton, more famous for being famous than anything else. Although, lest not forget her scintillating appearance with Kathy Griffin on Emmy winner “The D-List.” Or Hilton’s exclusive “Larry King Live” interview after being sprung from prison … a luxury cell, natch. Before anyone jumps on my case for minimizing Hilton’s jail debacle, bear in mind she was segregated from other prisoners and allowed personal pizza deliveries. Can that last part be verified? Fuhgeddaboutit.

Mario Lopez Mystery Lady

“What a minute, people,” said the attractive unknown mystery woman accompanying  “Extra” TV correspondent Mario Lopez. “I want my hair to look just so.” One second later. “Oh poo, don’t snap that picture. Can’t you see from my look of smug disgust I wasn’t quite ready for my close-up?” Perhaps the dark-haired lovely was simply waiting for the right opportunity to show off her black nails or that shiny thing sticking to her index finger. Expensive bling or reminder tin foil? Where is Mr. DeMille when you need him most?

Adam Lambert

Is he for real? Look, I have nothing against last season’s runner-up on “American Idol.” Glambert blew away the competition and shocked a nation by finishing second to big winner Kris Allen. But who in the world is dressing this guy? Costume design from an old Clint Eastwood Western? Strip off the skinny tie and black blazer and he’s a dead ringer for any villainous punk. That sour expression and stiff outstretched arms say, “No one gives lessons on this kind of stuff and I need them badly.” Spread legged pigeon-toed boot stance completes the total effect.

Bonus moment: Stick that fat tongue back in your mouth, Katy Perry, he’s batting for the other side.

Monique Coleman

Work that skimpy outfit, girl! Raise those carefully shorn underarms to get the full LBD slipping -down-the-cleavage effect. Maybe that’s why fans turned in surprise as this mystery admirer stared glued in his tracks. Or why somebody’s handler (maybe Coleman’s) grimaced behind an obviously plastered smile. She probably came with to stop Coleman from slipping on such skinny high heels. Meanwhile, that dude can't peel his eyes away. Must have been some cleavage.

Rosanna Arquette

This is what happens when big name Hollywood legends go by the wayside. After a while, they stop hiring stylists and lose their iconic fashion sense. For goodness sakes, Rosie, go get a haircut! Nobody wears bangs that long any more, not even Kate Moss who probably single-handedly took the whole grunge-inspired hair-in-the-eyes mainstream. Fishnets with polka dots on crack? What was she thinking? Probably something along the lines of “Man, I have so many songs named after me I don’t have to give a crap about how I look any more.” So sorry to point this out, but yes she does. Really. It’s time to go natural. Nobody actually cares how much Arquette’s eyes have wrinkled over time. All we see is that sexy rakish flash of je ne sais quoi beating beneath the surface.