Five fates worse than death for comic super hero Batman

November 26, 4:33 AMBaltimore Celebrity Headlines ExaminerCheryl Taragin

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Batman will die. Today. Snap. Gone.

So say fanboys and anyone remotely interested in the comic franchise. Writer Grant Morrison recently released this statement about the Caped Crusader’s demise.

'What I am doing is a fate worse than death, things that no one would expect to happen to these guys at all,' Mr Morrison told Comic Book Resources.

While waiting with bated breath for the morning headlines, I’ve concocted five of my own fates worse than death, each slightly more ridiculous than the next. Maybe by the time I’m done, first reports will have surfaced online.

1. Like French Elle Editor Jean-Dominique Bauby, immortalized in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Batman suffers a massive stroke leaving him completely paralyzed. Trapped in a body that no longer functions, not even an eye, he sinks deeper and deeper into a fantasy world filled only with demons, death and destruction. Unable to communicate and afflicted by oozing bedsores, Batman slowly succumbs to the mind numbing madness and never returns to sanity.

2. Wherever he goes, Batman is hounded by harrowing flashes of paparazzi. The rattled superhero can’t even hunt bad guys without annoying TMZ people chasing closely behind. Finally, disgusted at his inability to rid the world of evil, Batman smashes a cheap one-shot camera along with its skinny photographer who in turn presses charges. A hanging judge throws the book at him, confining Batman to a federal penitentiary. There he becomes chief receptacle for the whims of MS13 gang members, spending the rest of his days painted in lipstick, rouge, eye makeup, and a pointy eared head scarf.

3. Batman and Alfred become pitifully destitute in the wake of a crumbling economy. Sensing a deal, Donald Trump stealthily moves in, locking up the entire Batman franchise for a song. He renames the Bat Cave “Trump-grah-la,” splashes dazzling advertisements for Trump Plaza on both sides of the Batmobile, replaces well-worn expressions such as “Holy heart failure” or “Holy haberdashery” with the more inane sounding “Trumping tree feathers” or “Trumptastic” and makes Alfred dress like a house bunny. Stripped of all trappings of his former lifestyle, Batman sinks into a black depression, eventually drinking himself into the stupor of addiction.

4. Batman signs up for Celebrity Survivor and becomes trapped on a secluded desert island with Michael Jackson, Boy George, Ozzy Osbourne, and Roseanne. The entire crew, including host Jeff Probst, mysteriously disappear without warning, leaving the hapless tribe to eventually cannibalize itself. Osbourne bites off Batman’s head in the final Tribal Council.

5. The evil genius ringleader of The Black Glove straps Batman into a steel chair, immobilizing his head and forcing his eyes open with the same torture device used on Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange. He then plays a continuous loop of The Jerry Springer Show until Batman is reduced to a lipid whimpering pool of quivering jelly.

Blessed bollywocks. No early headlines. Curse you, DC Comics!

A joyous and peaceful Thanksgiving to all.