College 101: How should parents communicate with their college students?

November 9, 9:36 AMEducation ExaminerDonna Gundle-Krieg

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A college student contemplates a future independent of his parents.
Photo from friends of Steven Krieg

Most parents of college students struggle with communication. How often should we visit or call our young adults, and what should we talk about?

Most of us don’t want to smother our kids, but want to be sure that they are doing well. And of course, we want them to know that we love and miss them.

We have wrestled with these issues recently, as a few weeks ago my son packed his bags and moved to the dorms at Saginaw Valley State University.

The transition was more difficult than I ever envisioned, and we immediately ran into issues of “how often should we call or visit?”

My eyes were opened by a column called “Reeling in the ’Rents,"written by Sarah Hubbs, a University of Delaware senior.

“You’re on your own … and you’re solid. But the parents? Outta control!” she exclaims.

Hubbs mocks parents by quoting them: “Are you getting good grades, dear? You’re not taking pot, are you? How come you never call home?”

“Grrr,” she mutters, and she probably has thousands of fellow students muttering along with her.

The majority of parents and adult children get irritated with each other, according to a major study at the University of Michigan.

“The parent-child relationship is one of the longest-lasting social ties,” says lead researcher Kira Birditt. “This tie is often positive, but it also commonly includes feelings of tension.”

There has even been a book recently written about this called You’re on Your Own (But I’m Here If You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years by Marjorie Savage, Parent Program Director at the University of Minnesota.

The issues she discusses include college lifestyle, finances, grades, and frequency and type of communication.

Lifestyle: Parents should accept that their child is no longer living the lifestyle they envisioned. College gives students the opportunity to reinvent themselves based on their own goals, which may be different from their family’s expectations.

Finances: “Spending decisions say something about what’s important to us,” says Savage. “That’s where parents make judgments, and students hate being judged.

“Students see parents’ financial criticism as the ultimate form of control. They don't want to have to ask for and justify every little expense.”

She says that students should understand that they have to work for their spending money, whether during summers or part-time jobs throughout the school year. The sooner they become financially independent, the less their parents will control this aspect of their lives.

Education: Savage says parents see grades and career as very important, while students are more concerned about lifestyle. Even if parents aren’t helping with expenses, they are concerned about their student’s future.

“You can agree to talk about how you’re doing in classes without committing to reporting every test grade,” suggests Savage.

Frequency of contact: Hubbs tells the story of how one student’s mother required him to come home every Sunday and texted him 30 to 40 times a day.

“I’ve had complaints from parents saying, ‘My son never calls,’ but I’ve also heard ‘My daughter tells me everything. I don’t need to know every detail of her life,'” laughs Savage.

How often and by what means should families communicate, and what do we need to talk or not talk about?

The bottom line is that parents want to know their child is alive and well, says Savage. “You don’t need 20-minute conversations every day, but you can be in touch by some means at least weekly.”

Unsolicited Advice: Students tend to call parents when something goes wrong, but they aren’t necessarily looking for solutions. Instead, they are trying to vent, or perhaps looking for ideas on how to fix their problems.

Parents need to let their students vent, and offer suggestions when necessary.

“Sometimes, parents actually do know the answer,” stated Savage wisely.

For more information, see:

Watching Your Teen Pack for Freshman Year of College

Reeling in the ’Rents'

You’re on Your Own (But I’m Here If You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years

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