What to get for the team that has nothing

November 13, 12:03 PMDetroit Lions ExaminerChris Morgan

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Maybe a new jacket for Daunte? (AP Photo)

Have you been wondering what to get for that winless professional football team in your life this Christmas? Well, fret no more! Here is a handy list of things to get for the Lions this holiday season.

While it may seem a bit early to be thinking about Christmas shopping, and perhaps it is, when your team needs this much, it's a wise idea to get an early start. Plus, you can't find a lot of these things at your local store.

1. A competent General Manager: Ideally, you could find a good General Manager, perhaps by re-gifting Floyd Reese, who could turn things around fast for the Lions. However, at this point I, and most Lions fans I presume, would be happy with anybody who has a general understanding of the sport of football and the slightest knowledge of how to evaluate talent. A helper monkey or one of those chickens that know how to play checkers may suffice. Especially if it's Chinese Checkers, because then the chicken would clearly have restraint if they didn't merely eat those little marbles, and that's a good trait in any GM.

2. A new coach: Rod Marinelli hasn't been terrible, but he certainly hasn't been good either. He came to the Lions preaching that they would "get low" and they certainly have. In the standings, that is. Zing!

All joshing aside, the new regime, whomever that may be, will want to bring in their own guy, and I hope they make a wise decision. Personally, New York Giants defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo is on the top of my wish list.  But any coach with a defensive background would do. That's the really crux of the Lions' problems.

3. A franchise quarterback: Granted, these don't grow on trees.  But they aren't too hard to find in the NFL draft, particularly if you draft high, which the Lions will undoubtedly do this season. Alas, if none of the big-name underclassmen come out this year there will be no quarterback worth taking in the first round, let alone potentially number one overall. The big three names are Matthew Stafford out of Georgia, Sam Bradford out of Oklahoma, and Mark Sanchez of Southern Cal. Any of these gentlemen would suffice, though Bradford is only a third-year sophomore so there's a good chance he'll go back. Regardless, as long as they don't take Texas Tech wide receiver Michael Crabtree if he enters the draft, I'll be satisfied.

4. A NFL-caliber middle linebacker: For most of the season, the Lions have been starting Paris Lenon at middle linebacker. Is there any wonder this team is 0-9 right now? No offense to Paris Lenon, but most if not all starting middle linebackers in the NFL are better than him. I'm not saying the Lions need a Brian Urlacher or somebody of his ilk, just somebody who can make the tackle on a regular basis. Is that so much to ask?

Perhaps if none of the QBs come out this year, the Lions can take Rey Maualuga, or use that Cowboys pick on one. I just want a defense that at least gives the illusion they know how to tackle. As long as teams can run all over the Lions defense, they will continue to be a laughingstock.

5. A pass rush: I don't care how they do it. Outside linebacker blitzes or defensive ends, by talent or by scheme, by hook or by crook, just get after the quarterback. The Lions may have something in Cliff Avril, but I don't think he'll ever be Julian Peppers or Mario Williams. If you can't get after the quarterback, anybody under center for the opposition, including Kyle Orton, can have a field day against you. Again, this would be a good reason to bring Steve Spagnuolo in. Blitz schemes can make up for talent to a degree, albeit not entirely. This is a good year for defensive ends in the draft, as well. Just saying.

6. A new offensive line: Just scrap the whole lot of them. Gosder Cherilus, granted in limited playing time, has looked like a bust. How Jeff Backus has kept a job as a starting tackle in the league for this long is one of the greatest mysteries in life. When was the last time the Lions had a good offensive line? Even in the days of Barry Sanders, he had to do most of the work. Well, Barry Sanders isn't walking through that door, as Rick Pitino might say, and please forgive the dated reference.

So if the Lions want to have a solid running game, they need help from the guys doing the blocking. Kevin Smith appears to have a bit of talent, I'd hate to see it go to waste because he can't find any holes to run through.

7. New cornerbacks: Basically, I could have said a new defense, I suppose. Not only are the Lions cornerbacks mediocre at best, but they are also old. Defensive backs thrive on speed for the most part, and the older you get the slower you become, give or take a few genetic anomalies. Additionally, if the new regime decides to scrap the Tampa Two system, then they'll definitely need new defensive backs in the worst way. The more you realize all the problems the Lions have, the less likely a turnaround  like the Atlanta Falcons or Miami Dolphins seems.

8. A losing record for the Dallas Cowboys: The worse the record, the better than second first-rounder is for the Lions. Granted, I know it'll be hard to get that for the Lions, but just make it happen. I don't need to know your methods. Just keep it on the right side of the law, and I won't ask any questions.

9. A high-powered fire hose: To wash the stink of the Millen Era out of Ford Field. If that fails to get it out, they could just fill it with manure, an odor slightly less putrid.

10. Hope: For the team, and for the fans, who have had to sit through years of crushed dreams and lost seasons. Millen being gone is a huge first step in the right direction. However, there is a long way to go.

Not to beat a dead horse, but starting Drew Stanton over Daunte Culpepper would be a start. Also, is there a more apropos comparison for Culpepper than a dead horse? I can't think of one.

Just look to the future, that's all I ask. If the team looks like they are making plans for the future, it will be easier for us long-suffering fans to deal with the present. Make the right moves, and we all will be able to have at least the slightest glimmer of hope for the future of this franchise, which is more than we can say right now.

That about rounds out the list. Happy shopping, and don't forget to get gift receipts!