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Welcome to the Johnsons

Welcome to the Johnson’s is the Diagon Ally of the lower east side, or is it the East Village, one never knows. From the outside, it could be a rare abandoned property in this oh so trendy neighborhood if not for the sandwich board claiming anyone can walk in and have a beer or two for an agreeable sum. However, the will to summon the courage and walk in to this secluded bar will reward the brave with one of the strangest experiences to be found in a New York bar, and that’s saying something.

Most suburban children remark that the end of early adolescence and then college means that it’s no longer cool or fun to sneak beers in their parents’ basement in front of the tv, or, if they’re lucky: the pool table. In fact, it feels rather uncomfortable which is such a waste when the circumstances are considered. One’s basement is infinitely more comfortable than a bar, and the bathroom is a thousand times cleaner. However, Welcome to the Johnsons offers passerby everything they can no longer reclaim in the now dim and slightly stodgy basements of their youth. It is, quite literally, a vivid representation of a 70s New England speakeasy.

Behind those tinted windows lies everything one would expect to see in the basement of a slightly dodgier Brady Bunch. The furniture is old, orange and in some cases repaired with duct tape. The pool table is present, and the vomit-colored couch is stationed directly under some of the most horrifying family portraits Sears had to offer when it was still Sears-Roebuck. The bar itself looks like something an enterprising off duty police officer would set up on his own, and somehow this makes the place more comfortable. No need to sweat out some highbrow drink order. This array of hooch doesn’t justify the trouble it takes. The fridge containing the $2 PBRs is old, but still fully functional. There are plenty of recession-“ista” words that could be applied to the owners, but frankly, they’re way too quirky and irritating to do justice to the bar.

Speaking of $2 PBRs, the drink specials are virtually unbeatable. Other than the gigantic $8 bloody Mary offered at Happy Hour, it’s impossible to order anything over $5, and the Bloody Marys are delicious. The crowd is mixed, but that makes people watching more interesting. On any given afternoon, it is possible to find a middle aged married couple, a group of young hipsters, a vampire and a group of off duty police officers and that’s when the place is empty.

If a Dive Bar is what you seek, take the plunge and walk on in to the Johnsons. No wizards or goblins reported on the premises yet, but in this place one gets the feeling that it’s possible.