Friday Face-off: She says going on a break is selfish and cowardly

November 6, 9:41 AMGeneration Y ExaminerSharalyn Hartwell

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In the Friday Face-Off series, I, the National Generation Y Examiner, face off against Sean Easely, the Dallas Generation Y Examiner, on a topic either of our choice, or chosen by you, our readers.
I consider Sean a friend, not foe, and even if we disagree (which is likely because everyone knows men are from Mars and women are from Venus) it will remain courteous and all in good fun. And, who knows, maybe sometimes we'll even agree (does that mean we're both just from Earth?) Either way, the he said/she said banter should give all readers, men and women, some new insight (and laughs). Today's question, submitted by a reader:

Is “going on a break” ever a good idea?

When you suggest going on a break, you're being selfish
and cowardly.  (Image:  Sundiep Arora)

I firmly believe all of life can be equated back to an episode of either “Friends” or “Seinfeld” (the Friends/Seinfeld theory) and it doesn’t get much more “Friends” than a discussion of “going on a break.”

The short answer to this question, (yes, this means I have a long answer prepared also) is rather simple. Was the break really a good idea for Ross and Rachel? Nope. The technicality of the break, and Ross’ consequent actions, were a source of contention for the rest of the series. So, with that being said, is it really going to work for anyone else? Not likely.

I’m usually a pretty tactful person. But, today I’m not going to sugar-coat things. Going on a break is a purely cowardly and selfish.

If you don’t want to be with someone, but you want to soften the blow of an actual break-up, going on a break is usually the option most Gen Y’ers (and X’ers) choose. Relationships are like band aids. Rip them off all at once. It actually hurts less. If you think slowly and painstakingly ending a relationship will lessen the pain, think again. Get it over with. Then you can both move on.

But, even more than cowardice, suggesting a break exhibits selfishness in the extreme. When you’re on a break, you haven’t severed the ties to the relationship. It keeps your foot conveniently wedged in the door so you can be sure it won't close for as long as you want. It’s a classic example of thinking “I don’t really want this person, but I don’t want anyone else to have him/her either.” You can hardly be more selfish than that. If you don’t love/care enough about the person to remain in a defined exclusive relationship, then just end the relationship.

Never do both parties in a relationship actually want the break when they embark on one (otherwise they would just break up). I don’t think there is a definite pattern as to who typically initiates a break, (men and women can be equally selfish and cowardly). The initiator is just the one who cares less about the relationship. The other person is then left clinging to some desperate hope of a future that likely won’t happen.

We’ve all heard stories of couples who took a break then got together again a few months later and everything was hearts and flowers again. That’s great, but the exception, certainly not the rule.  So why not call a spade a spade. Just break up. You know you’re both out dating other people (or at least one of you is), so just break up. Be fair to the person you cared about enough at one point to initiate a relationship. In addition, it’s hardly fair to the new person you meet while you’re on a break. You seem like you are available, but are you really?

Don’t overcomplicate an already difficult situation. If you don’t want to be in a relationship any longer, respect your partner enough to just end it. Are you going to hurt them? Yes. But, suggesting a break, then eventually having to ‘fess up that things are never going to work out (essentially having to break up with them all over again later) just hurts them worse.

What do you think?