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Tips for preventing and managing temper tantrums
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Toddlerhood is a stage of childhood that is filled with excitement, discovery, enlightenment and learning. It is also wrought with frustration, confusion and the inability to adequately communicate needs. When children are faced with tasks they so desperately want to do themselves, but can’t, frustration ensues. When children are trying to ask for something, but don’t have the right words, frustration ensues. When children are told “no,” and can’t understand why, frustration ensues. The culmination of this frustration, anger and confusion often results in a temper tantrum. It is unlikely that any parent out there with a toddler-aged child or older has not witnessed a temper tantrum.
According to Ronald Mah, in his book, The One Minute Temper Tantrum, 87 percent of children between the ages of 18-24 months have temper tantrums, 91 percent of 30-36 month olds and 57 percent of 42-48 month olds have them. Clearly, they are an extremely common phase of early childhood development.
As common as they are, it can still be difficult to manage a toddler who is having a temper tantrum, especially because children don’t have a care in the world as to where or when it happens – we’ve all witnessed the child in the grocery store who is having one, leaving the mother to abandon a full cart of groceries and make a quick exit.
Since they are an almost inevitable part of parenting, how can we best prepare for them and manage them when they happen?
Preventing Temper Tantrums
It’s hard to say if they can ever really be prevented, after all, we’re talking about the whim of a toddler, but there are certain measures that can be taken to try and mitigate the possibility. The American Academy of Pediatrics offers the following suggestions for preventing a temper tantrum:
· Encourage your child to use words to tell you how he is feeling, such as "I'm really mad." Try to understand how he is feeling and suggest words he can use to describe his feelings.
· Set reasonable limits and don't expect your child to be perfect. Give simple reasons for the rules you set, and don't change the rules.
· Keep a daily routine as much as possible, so your child knows what to expect.
· Avoid situations that will frustrate your child, such as playing with children or toys that are too advanced for your child's abilities.
· Avoid long outings or visits where your child has to sit still or cannot play for long periods of time. If you have to take a trip, bring along your child's favorite book or toy to entertain him.
· Be prepared with healthy snacks when your child gets hungry.
· Make sure your child is well rested, especially before a busy day or stressful activity.
· Distract your child from activities likely to lead to a tantrum. Suggest different activities. If possible, being silly, playful, or making a joke can help ease a tense situation. Sometimes, something as simple as changing locations can prevent a tantrum. For example, if you are indoors, try taking your child outside to distract his attention.
· Be choosy about saying "no." When you say no to every demand or request your child makes, it will frustrate him. Listen carefully to requests. When a request is not too unreasonable or inconvenient, consider saying yes. When your child's safety is involved, do not change your decision because of a tantrum.
· Let your child choose whenever possible. For example, if your child resists a bath, make it clear that he will be taking a bath, but offer a simple decision he can make on his own. Instead of saying, "Do you want to take a bath?" Try saying, "It's time for your bath. Would you like to walk upstairs or have me carry you?"
· Set a good example. Avoid arguing or yelling in front of your child.
Managing Temper Tantrums
No matter how hard parents try to prevent temper tantrums, sometimes, they will just happen. During a tantrum, parents can sometimes feel like there is nothing they can do, but it is important to remain calm, ensure the child stays safe and know how to respond to the upset child.
Robert G. Harrington, PhD, Professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Kansas and has trained teachers and parents in behavior management of children and adolescents. In "Temper Tantrums: Guidelines for Parents," he offers the following strategies for handling them:
· Remain calm and do not argue with the child. Before you manage the child, you must manage your own behavior. Spanking or yelling at the child will make the tantrum worse.
· Think before you act. Count to 10 and then think about the source of the child’s frustration, this child’s characteristic temperamental response to stress (hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness), and the predictable steps in the escalation of the temper tantrum.
· Try to intervene before the child is out of control. Get down at the child’s eye level and say, “You are starting to get revved up, slow down.” Now you have several choices of intervention.
· Positively distract the child. Get the child focused on something else that is an acceptable activity.
· Place the child in time out. Time out is a quiet place where the child goes to calm down, think about what he or she needs to do, and, with your help, make a plan to change the behavior. (The general rule of time outs is one minute for each year of age).
· Ignore the tantrum if it is being thrown to get your attention. Once the child calms down, give the attention that is desired.
· Hold the child who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or herself or someone else. Let the child know that you will let him or her go as soon as he or she calms down. Reassure the child that everything will be all right, and help the child calm down. This reassurance can be comforting for a child who may be afraid because he or she lost control.
· If you are in a public place, carry your child outside or to the car. Tell the child that you will go home unless he or she calms down. In school warn the child up to three times that it is necessary to calm down and give a reminder of the rule.
· Talk with the child after the child has calmed down. When the child stops crying, talk about the frustration the child has experienced. Try to help solve the problem if possible. Teach the child how to try a more successful way of interacting with a peer or sibling, how to express his or her feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.
Temper tantrums are just part of life for a young child. As difficult as they can be for parents and children, knowing more about preventing and managing them can help ease the distress when they do occur.
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