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When is it OK to discipline other people’s kids?
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We were recently at a birthday party at one of those indoor play spaces. Between the cold, snowy winter and an overload of cake and juice, the kids were all running around as if they were caged animals just set free. Mayhem abounded and amidst the chaos, one little 5-year old boy in particular caught my eye. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, trying to rally his friends to go onto the pirate ship. I had noticed him earlier running about like a wild man, oblivious to the damage he was creating in his wake.
From across the room, I witnessed him push a friend, take a toy from his sister and then push his way to the front of the line for the slide. I looked around for his mother and saw her happily chatting away with another mom, unaware (or unwilling to accept) the behavior that her son was demonstrating. It wasn’t my place to discipline him for his poor behavior, but I was wondering if even if she did notice, if she would do anything about it.
I was playing with my daughter and happened to look up and see the “menace” approaching where my son was playing. I braced myself for some kind of incident, and sure enough this little kid, aggressively weaseled his way (pushing anyone in line aside) onto a car ride that my son and a handful of other kids were waiting patiently for. For other kids I usually wouldn’t have intervened, but for mine, mommy instinct kicked into high gear. I immediately went over and calmly explained to the boy that he had to wait in line. He looked up, completely in shock, as if no one had ever given him rules before. He immediately acquiesced and soon found another activity to occupy his time.
In an article by renowned child psychiatrist, Dr. Karl Pruett in Family Education, he recommends the following guidelines for intervening with someone else’s child:
· When it comes to safety (seatbelts, bike helmets, weapon play, traffic vigilance, etc.), your authority as a non-parent is highest. You would expect no less of the parent of any child your kids would visit, ride, or sleep over with. Being authoritarian is acceptable at this level.
· Behavioral aggression, especially physical, that the kids can't manage themselves (give them a chance -- most can with their friends and that IS the long-term goal) involves the next level of authority. Distract by suggesting other activities unless you feel there must be justice (this should be a last resort since you'll be wrong 50 percent of the time).
· Behavioral provocations, not physical, usually do not grant you the right to use your authority. Again, give them a chance to manage it (swearing, rudeness, cruel teasing, etc.), and if they can't, a brief sit-down with discussion about hurt feelings and invited solutions can assist them in problem-solving.
Another time, I was at a playground and a group of kindergarten-aged boys were filling their mouths with water from the fountain and spouting it out at each other. One unlucky toddler was caught in the middle, and his mother immediately charged toward the mother of one of the water-spewing boys and proceeded to scream at her for not watching the kids, not reprimanding her son, etc. This mother then responded with a simple, “boys will be boys” which of course, spurred the fire in this mom ever further. I’ve never witnessed a mother yelling like that at another mother, but it was a sight to be seen. Who was right?
Regardless of when you choose to discipline other people’s kids, or what your thoughts are on intervening, there’s no doubt that there’s a mommy instinct/protective response that will elicit immediate action. Every mom has her own set of guidelines when it comes to disciplining other people’s kids, but when it comes to any kind of aggressive behavior especially towards your own child, someone needs to step in.
Photo Channel 7 News Australia
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