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Mannersmith Column: Choosing between grandchildren, Tacky tea behavior, Graduation
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Q: My son's third birthday happens to fall on a Sunday this year. We are having his party on his actual birthday. Of course, my mother knows when her grandson's birthday is, and we did send out the invitations in advance. Well, I just received a voice mail message where my mother announced that my 5-year-old niece has her dance recital on the same day as my son's birthday, during the same time. It would seem to me that my mother should attend her grandson's birthday since she knew about it in advance, but my mom is telling me that since my niece is older, my niece will remember whether her grandmother was there or not. My mom is expecting me to "release" her from the "obligation" of my son's birthday so she can attend the recital guilt-free. I am upset she is choosing my niece over my son.
A: Ah, the grandmother's dilemma, which of the two happy occasions to attend. If you had known about the recital in advance, it would have been incumbent upon you to plan the birthday party post-nap in the afternoon. However, since your invitations were sent prior to the announcement of the recital, your mother now needs to make a tough choice.
While she may be hoping you will release her of her guilt, a better solution is for her to attend the birthday while asking the granddaughter's parents to video the recital. Then she can spend some special one-on-one time, with your niece wearing her dance costume, watching the video. The benefit here is that your mother need not watch the entire event; she can fast-forward to the dances where her granddaughter is the star!
Q: I recently attended an afternoon tea. It was held by a well-known woman in my area and was attended by more than 100 invited guests. I was shocked and horrified to see people in shorts and T-shirts since the invitations were printed and the implied dress code was clearly not casual. Then, there was a horde of guests jockeying for position near the kitchen. When the waitstaff emerged, there was an all-out feeding frenzy at tea. Guests were grabbing handfuls of sandwiches at a time. I left after chatting politely with the hostess, as I did not want to be identified with the other guests. I thought tea was an elegant event with light refreshments. Have I missed something?
A: You have not missed anything, except the opportunity to attend what should have been a lovely event. Unless otherwise noted on the invitation, afternoon tea involves spiffy attire and the expectation that a snack will be served. Those attending should have made an effort with their appearance and clearly needed to eat a full meal in advance. Of course, the caterer should have noticed the feeding frenzy before you did and taken steps to disperse the crowd and provide additional food.
Q: I am having a graduation party for my daughter this weekend. When my son graduated three years ago, the economic times were different. We hosted a very large dinner party, inviting guests and their families. For my daughter, we are hosting a Sunday brunch and really had to cull our guest list. We were super careful about the invitations. For family and very close friends, children were invited. But for others, we invited only the adults. I am receiving RSVP cards back from guests indicating they are planning to bring their whole family. Help! What should I do?
A: Since you invited guests with family last time, there is a good chance many did not even look at the envelope to see the change for this event.
No need to worry. As you receive the responses, call your guests to say how glad you are that they could come, but that due to the economy you had to really keep an eye on the guest list and only related children were invited, that it was really such a tough call and you do hope they understand. Anyone who has ever planned a party or created a guest list certainly will.
Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to email her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
