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Bossy neighbor ruins trick-or-treat for others
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Q: Around my neighborhood, we usually go trick-or-treating in groups. It is a very casual, "hey-what-time" kind of thing. A family moved in about a year ago, and we invited them to join us. The mom is high-strung and made the trick-or-treating a horror show for the rest of us. She insisted that we all stay within arm's length, she rang the doorbells instead of the kids, and she jumped in to prompt everyone's kids for the thank-you before the kids even had a chance to say trick-or-treat. Two families, with older children, split off from the group after about a block because they had enough of her bossiness. She has already sent out an e-mail instructing everyone to meet at her house at 5 p.m. for this year. My husband is refusing to go, and I am trying to figure out how to get out of having to trick-or-treat with her again this year.
A: Light and breezy is the way to go. Simply reply by e-mail to thank her for coordinating, that you already have other plans and hope to see her out and about in the neighborhood soon. (Take care not to share any of your specific plans as she may attempt to co-opt them!) If you had asked me about making trick-or-treating with her more fun, I would have advised you to work with the other parents to set ground rules. Suggestions such as: Everyone has a partner for trick-or-treating, if some partners get ahead they should wait at the end of each block, youngest kid or first kid to the door rings the bell, and no parent coaching until the kids have turned without saying "thank you."
Q: I have a quick question about giving money at weddings. A friend of mine is getting married this Saturday. We only became friends this year, and I actually was not invited originally. They then invited my boyfriend and me after they realized they had some open space. How much money is appropriate to give? They are doing a buffet-style dinner and open bar. Also, only I will be going because my boyfriend will be out of town. Finally, I am very, very broke. I wouldn't normally just share this information, but I don't know if I can even spare $50. What are some other suggestions you might have for giving a gift?
A: OK, here is the deal: What you spend on the gift is dependent on your budget, not theirs! Knowing you were a B-list guest and knowing that you are being very budget-conscious, giving cash is not the best way to go. Instead, you need to be creative. The key is tying the gift to your well wishes in the note. For example: a dessert or ice wine (May your lives together always be "sweet"); silver salt and pepper shakers (May you always add a little spice into each other's lives); a glass domed cake platter (For your happily ever afters); or a book of love poems (For your romantic repertoire). Do check the couple's registry for reasonably priced wish-list items. And, when all else fails, Crate & Barrel has some lovely vases at the $20 to $30 price point. I hope that helps to get you started.
Q: In my office, I am almost positive that a co-worker has been interviewing and is close to securing another job. He goes into his office frequently and shuts his door, which he never used to do in the past. I have seen a bunch of letters in the outgoing mail with his home address on them. I am pretty sure they are copies of his resume. And he is dressing better than he used to before. I would love his job. Should I, out of loyalty to the company, tell his manager that he has been in the job hunt mode? How do I throw my hat into the ring now for the soon-to-be-opened position?
A: I caution you against tattling on your co-worker. Your sincere concern may be perceived as purely political. Also, you may be completely wrong. Your observations could indicate he is in job search mode. But they could also indicate other scenarios, such as that there is something going on at home or even that the entire company is planning lay-offs. Until you have concrete evidence, better to play things cool. You should take the time to speak with your manager to find out what knowledge, skills and abilities you would need to add to your experience so that you would be qualified for the next logical position. You can take time now to update your resume and make sure you have an interview suit. This way, should this position become available, or should you need to job search for other reasons, you will be prepared.
Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to e-mail her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@ Mannersmith.com.
