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Motherhood: it's okay to think ahead and plan
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It's okay to be prepared.
When my oldest was about 18 months, another new mom asked if I’d placed my daughter on a waiting list for pre-school. I laughed. Sadly, she wasn’t joking. I believed the hysteria that revolved around preparing your child for the world was only portrayed in poorly written movies and television shows where parents were idiots and had no instincts. My baby’s life would evolve and progress organically on an “as-needed” basis. When it was time for pre-school, I would find her a pre-school. When she developed breast buds (not the same as potato buds), I’d talk to her about sex. I was not going to be high strung about anything. Neurotic parents raise neurotic children. Uh uh. That was not going to be my story.
One of the more disappointing discoveries about the motherhood journey is learning that self-righteousness does not a good parent make. We can all declare, before the fact, that we’ll never do this, that or the other thing – i.e. “He’ll potty train when he’s ready. I’m not going to force it.” – when, in reality, some issues need to be considered before they happen. Some children seem perfectly happy facing the world in diapers when they’re four but is that what’s best for them? And what parent really wants to change the Pampers of a 30-pound child? There’s nothing wrong with having plans for your baby, as long as those plans are in his or her best interests and you’re willing to be flexible as events change. Parenting offers one guarantee: things will always change.
About 3 months after that mother talked to me about a preschool, I did some detective work and learned, in fact, that for $25, it wasn’t a bad idea to put her name on the waiting list at the preschool I’d had in mind. “Then when she’s potty-trained, give us a call and we’ll find a spot for her,” I was told. Easy enough, I thought. That wasn’t so hard and I didn’t feel fanatical about her evolution. Maybe forethought in regard to my daughter wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
Several years and two kids later, the assistant head of that pre-school died suddenly and tragically. She was beloved by the parents and children alike. I was bereft and yet my children knew virtually nothing about death. We all struggled through our explanations to our kids while allowing them to see our grief – but oh, how I wish there’d been some preparation. There was no hiding the fact that my tears and sadness frightened my children.
I had the privilege of attending a drug education lecture at my children’s school this past Tuesday evening, which led me to write this article. My oldest is in 5th grade and, while I don’t fear she’ll be exposed to drugs any time soon, I do realize middle school is right around the corner and what’s wrong with educating myself? When I arrived home, my husband, who couldn’t attend, asked if the lecture was about looking for signs of drug use. “No,” I answered, “in fact, it was about just the opposite. It was about being proactive and not reactive.” Hopefully, if we talk to our adolescents about drugs and alcohol in a way that is appropriate and accessible, we won’t have to look for signs. We won’t be dealing with an issue that arrives from left field. We will have prepared ourselves.
Parents have incredible resources here in Los Angeles to help them navigate the trickier aspects of raising children, particularly as it pertains to drugs and alcohol. We are the land of 12-step programs and many of these former addicts and recovering alcoholics give back by participating in drug and alcohol prevention curriculum. Tuesday night, I listened to Jonathan Scott from Miles To Go and, while I try not to abuse hyperbole, the man was brilliant in his approach, understanding and delivery. If you have a 3rd-8th grader and your school has no agenda (or budget) for this type of education, change that. Contact your principal or head of school and make it happen. There is absolutely no reason why parents should be caught off guard when substance abuse starts rearing its ugly head. MOST kids DON’T do drugs. There are many reasons for why this is so. Being a proactive parent is at the top of the list. Preparation is good.
A great article on talking to your little one about death is from FamilyEducation.com.
iVillage is a terrific website for motherhood and just being a woman. Check out the different pieces they’ve compiled about talking to your children about sex. When your 7-year-old daughter asks why she looks exactly like daddy but her sister looks exactly like you, you’ll want to be ready with something more than “Because.”
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