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Jackie and Joe : Gaseous first date
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Credit: www.guardian.co.uk
The True Dating Adventures of Jackie and Joe by Victory Waters.
Sometimes we cross paths with certain people in our lives for pure comic relief. This is the story of funk and turmoil.
Jackie is an average-sized woman who is very understanding. Jackie has decided to expand her dating horizons to include those who didn't quite match up to what she considered as her "bottomline" body requirements. With this in mind, she attracts Joe. Joe is 6 foot 6 inches of ex-pro athlete complete with 385lbs of ex-muscle. Odd couple? Possibly but Shaq and Shaunie did it for a few years right?
I digress. So Joe calls Jackie one night and asks her for a ride home from a party they both attend - this is their first date. Joe's car is in the shop. Jackie complies. When Jackie brings the car around she sees Joe across the street at a convenience store. Apparently, Joe can't wait for Jackie to show up so he helps himself to a few snacks. Joe approachs the car. Jackie notices that he is sucking back a gallon of milk and carrying a carton of what looks like convenience store donuts. He bends to get into her Honda Civic. It is here that Jackie gets a whiff of something so foul that it could only be described as a "decomposing rat who had been smeared with fecal matter". This "odor" has been trailing behind him like a string of funk emitting from the bowels of his pants. The amazing thing here? Jackie doesn't say anything for fear that she will hurt Joe's feelings. As Joe continues his guzzling of homogenized milk, he offers up a glazed donut in the "heat of funk". Jackie declines and considers her silence as good manners. Was she right? Should she have jumped ship and told him to find another way home? Before you answer these questions, there is more to Jackie's funk-filled night.
Jackie begins the tedious journey to Joe's home. Of course the windows are rolled down i.e. even though it was a hot misty night. Not a word is spoken.
They arrive at Joe's house. Joe invites Jackie indoors. Jackie reluctantly goes inside but she notices Joe heads to the kitchen to cook up a pound of bacon without washing his hands. Jackie remains silent and pleasantly declines the offer of cooked bacon. Then the unthinkable happens, Joe carries a Brawny filled bacon into the bathroom as he sits upon his throne. Joe then makes a Nextel call in which the conversation was on speakerphone. The problem here i.e. besides eating in the bathroom? Joe's Nextel conversation is often staggered with silences on Joe's end, a silence only to be broken with a grunted ex-lax response. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Joe was "getting rid" of his convenience store binge. For those of you who are still holding out hope that Joe was just uttering gutteral phrases of a Bobby McFerrin song..read on. You see, Joe walks out of the bathroom and into the living room - only to tell Jackie "Whew, I'm lactose intolerant and I think I lost 5lbs in the bowl". What do you think Jackie did? What would you have done?
Talk about "blowing her away"!
Victory's true tidbits:
-Joe asked Jackie out again for several months.
-Jackie did go out with him again 3 more times.
-Joe was 30 and Jackie was 28 years old.
-Both Jackie and Joe were Ivy League college educated with excellent careers.
I want to hear your stories!
Have fun and happy funk-free dating!
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