Bosses Day 2009: who's the boss in your relationship? (see video)

October 16, 3:01 PMSingle Life ExaminerJ.C. Russell

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Bosses Day reflects relationship variables. Male and female symbols imagery by Minh Tram.

National Boss Day is October 16, and commemorates a Chicago woman's original attempt to honor her father, who was also her boss, on his birthday 47 years ago.  A few years later, the mayor of Chicago presented it as a national holiday idea, and here we are.  Chicagoans are relationship heroes with deep family ties (the Mafia), unwavering faith and commitment (Cub fans), reverence for God and Country (or, Oprah and Winfrey), and the ability to withstand heavy conflict (try walking into that lakefront winter wind - just once).  So, it's not surprising that a day honoring "the boss" (other than Bruce Springstein) would originate from those good people.  

Usually, we see the boss of a company as a necessary leader, and may aspire to that position ourselves, but with the conscious awareness that a dominant boss is also a figure for ridicule and ostracizing by the underlings.  In a partnership, rather than a group atmosphere, being the dominant one means the relationship is not equally balanced.  If one party out of two is not okay with this incongruity, then the individuals will not both be fulfilled.  The dominant partner may feel they do more than their share, and the submissive partner may feel ignored or under-appreciated.  People may not be aware of the action/reaction consequences from an unequal match, until it causes fights or a quiet indifference.

Some couples, however, fall into roles of dominant/submissive personalities with an understanding that this works for them.  If so, they have a mutually beneficial ying and yang, with a form of contract, or agreement, between them.  When couples are fine with it, it's their choice.  Some submissive partners, however, recognize the imbalance in certain aspects of their relationship and harbor bad feelings about it, but cannot see a way to change the situation.  Ultimately, one cannot change another person, but can communicate what the problem is, and hope the partner chooses to honor their partner's feelings.  If a pattern is in place over a long period of time, the dominant partner may believe this is the way the submissive partner is comfortable, too.  Meanwhile, the quiet partner is venting to friends, co-workers, perhaps a therapist or two, or nervously joking to people about their sour circumstances.  And yes, I am completely passing over the obvious jokes about leather, bondage, and assorted other dominant/submissive couple choices, so....

Every relationship has high and low points, with stronger and weaker roles assigned during transitions, conflicts, promotions, illness, etc.  Someone may have to be the boss figure for awhile, even in the most balanced dating relationships, marriages, families, partnerships, or teamwork projects.  But if the seesaw doesn't tip the other way sometimes, or teeter totter, depending upon which part of the country you're from, then both parties need to be clear about the direction and balance of their personalities, responsibilities, emotions, and skills for that relationship to be mutually beneficial.  

Making your life the best it can be, while complementing another life to their full potential, is a beautiful way for two people to feel happy as individuals within a couple.  You've heard the saying "50-50 relationship" many times, but have you considered each partner giving their all means it's really a "100-100" effort, to make it that way?

Striking a balance with your partner will be challenging.  Dating someone while defining their priorities and your place in their world, and vice-versa, is the serious element that offsets the giddy, honeymoon aspect of a romance.  Most dating couples don't get that far, but any long-term relationship is going to need an understanding and appreciation of each person's dominant and not-so-dominant emotional and lifestyle patterns, and their level of importance to the average Bear (one last Chicago nod).

Below is a lighthearted video with a song about who is the boss in some households.

A single thought:  Everyone deserves a raise!

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