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Ask Michael Q&A... How can I get my lover to initiate our sexual experiences?
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Photograph By: Sherry Michael 'The Long Road'
Okay… Michael,
A question. I have been married for 26 years. I have always been the one to take the initiative sexually. About 3 years ago, I just stopped. I felt that it was his turn; my self esteem was starting to suffer. So we quit having sex 3 years ago. 6 months ago I moved out, I really wanted him to see how important this was.
He says that the thought of being the initiator make him feel petrified. The sex is great if I start it. He described it this way. "Have you ever been to a pastry shop and seen something you wanted really bad, but if you went to reach for it the glass would stop you from getting to it?" he said that is what it’s like. He wants to initiate things really bad but fear stops him. Fear of what?
I don't know, and he says he doesn't know either. I have never rejected him. I don't know what to do, I am only 43 and not willing to stop having sex yet and I am angry at him so I don't want to initiate anymore.. I am a very intimate and sexual person..
I really don't know if this is even remotely the kind of question you are looking for or could even begin to answer but if not, maybe it was good therapy to tell someone...
Jackie S.- Canada
Jackie,
It’s always good therapy to talk about the things that bother you, and I hope I can shed just a little bit of insight, or at that very least a different perspective on your situation.
The fact that your lover is trying to explain to you, how things do or do not work for him, is a huge step or attempt towards making this relationship last. This should also make you feel a little bit more at ease about the situation over all. It also sounds like he is trying to make sure you realize that it’s not a lack of attraction towards you that is causing him to freeze; or for that matter, that it’s not another woman. The fact that the sex is great when you initiate it… proves this.
It’s hard telling why he is so petrified, it maybe as simple as a fear of rejection. It sounds like he has the low self-esteem issues and you my lady can help him through them if you release the anger, and resentment.
Being the initiator can be a good thing; it places you in a position of power. Having this power will give you the opportunity to help him through his personal issues and create the type of relationship you want. I’m sure he is open and willing to try some different techniques to aide him in overcoming this block.
Stopping cold in the sexual arena to prove a point may not be the best way to handle things, or get what you want. It shall only serve to strengthen the inhabitations he already has.
I understand your frustration, yet if you take the initiative to change things in a more gentle and loving manner I’m sure you can work things out. Communication and Patience is the key to any long-standing relationship, think of it as the fertilizer that makes it grow and flower.
If the sex was truly great when you initiated it in the past maybe you can teach him how to become a little more proactive.
Guide him with love and compassion, but try to show a little more patience. You may have to initiate things again but; this time change your approach. Slowly put his hands, where they need to go, guide his body and mind, and while you do this always give him reassurance. Tell him that it feels good and feels right. This will help him get over his insecurities I assure you with Patience and Communication every thing can and will work out.
In my book “The Holy G-rail” I touch base on the commitment and patience we must have towards each other in order to change prior conditioning and thought patterns.
I’d like to share a few quotes from the book, which may help.
“When my Special Lover and I first became intimate, she could only orgasm by her own hand. She would lie on her back and touch herself. If I fondled, touched, kissed or otherwise became involved, she would lose her concentration, and could not orgasm. What she needed from me was to allow her to experiment and do the things she fantasized about. It was my job to let her blossom, not to judge how and what she needed to experience in lovemaking. She needed me to have as much curiosity and self-love as she.”
“I had to learn patience, lots and lots of patience. Our passion together was HOT; oral was great, intercourse heaven. Despite all of this, she still could not orgasm unless facilitated by her own touch”
“My frustration came from over-thinking. I felt all I knew about sex was wrong. As the MAN, I felt like it was my duty to get her off. It was a blow to my EGO.”
‘There is no place in lovemaking for egos. Feel, experience communicate, and enjoy each other. Appreciate the sensuality. See, hear & feel the image of your lover climaxing. It will all pay off with time patience and understanding.’
“My Special Lover is very good at letting me know what it is that feels good and what does not. She also let me know that it was not my lack of experience with her, that kept her from releasing. It was her conditioned response to the past that created a mental block of sorts within her; which didn’t allow her to orgasm with my attempts at stimulation. Again, there’s no place for personal ego in lovemaking.”
It took many years to get through this particular block; but with patience, reassurance and compassion for each other we got through it. Having this experience allowed our sensuality and sexuality to explode! Thus when we came across the “G”-Spot it was simple and truly magical.
So now Jackie, it is up to you, you are in the prime of your life and the only reason you do not have sex is because you stopped, out of frustration and anger. Take a deep breath and have leap of faith, The sex and passion was great in the past it can be great again, just guide your lover to the place you both need to be. I assure you it will be worth it!
Smiles,
-Michael Schuessler-
“Changing The World One Orgasm ~ At A Time”™
Michael Schuessler, author of the sex and sensuality classic, ‘The Holy G-rail', Please visit his web site, www.theholyg-rail.com to see all the different forms of Michaels works of creativity.
If you have any questions, in the sensual or sexual arena of life please E-mail me. (Use an alias if you'd like to keep your privacy).
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