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How to give gifts that won’t be regifted
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The best gift I've ever received
1. It’s the quality of thought that counts not quantity. Those of you who are offended that you put so much thought into a gift just to have it regifted need to consider that you’re probably not putting the right kind of thought into gifts—especially if your gifts get regifted often. If your first impression when you see something is “Oh I would love to receive this,” then it could be that you just want it. So maybe buy it for yourself and spare the person. Yes, I’m saying that maybe the problem is not the rudeness of people in mass but that you are a terrible gift-giver. If you weren’t, people would keep your gifts. Instead of choosing to be offended, maybe you need to research your friends/family better, or possibly outright ask them what they really want or need for an occasion instead of burdening them with something they don’t like. But if your defense to this is “People should appreciate anything they’re given because it’s free and those who receive can’t choose,” realize that most people would rather receive no gift than a bad one. The burden is on you to make it worth the space it needs to take up and so juicy that they’re not even slightly tempted to save themselves shopping time and money by regifting it.
2. Don’t personality-force. There are also those who want to influence your personality by the gifts they give you. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that your gift is going to change someone’s habits. For example, do not buy an overweight person a membership to the gym (unless they’ve expressly said they’d want to receive this). This is incredibly rude and if their name isn’t anywhere on it they will regift it to a friend who actually likes to work out. Thinking of gifts as a way of imposing your personality, behavior, or beliefs on someone is inexcusable. You should buy them something that you know that they’ll like, not something you just wish they’d like. But if your first thought upon seeing something is closer to “Well I hate this, but they’ll love it” then you probably have a winner.
3. Don’t book- or movie- force. Do you know how often I’ve read a book that my friend/family told me expressed their political/religious views and they’d wish I’d give it a read because they think I’d like it? Zero. And I make a lot of money at Half-priced books this way. I think giving a gift like this is rude and you have no right to search people’s books shelves when you come over for your “gift.” But even someone giving you a fiction book they believe you’ll enjoy can be annoying. A good defense for constant friend/family book-forcing is “I don’t even have time to read the books that I want to read. Why would I read one that someone else wants me to read?” People don’t argue with this. They know it’s unrealistic to expect you to read books on recommendation if you’d have to bypass the whole stack of books that you were interested in enough to buy yourself. Don’t try and force your movie taste on people either. Buying someone a movie that they’ve never seen because you just know they’ll love it…well, it should be obvious to you that this is movie-forcing. Buy them a movie that they already love but don’t own (if you can find one) or a giftcard to Suncoast.
4. Make something yourself. If it’s actually good they’ll probably keep it. But don’t try and supplant talent with intention unless you won’t take it personally when your knitting ends up at Good Will if you’re terrible at knitting. But just for fun, be sure to sign anything you make for someone with your or their name so they won’t ever be tempted to regift it. Permanent marker is preferred or possibly embroidery.
5. Don’t treat gift-giving like some magical mystery. It shouldn’t be a mystery what someone would like to receive. It’s unlikely that they’ll like something not because they secretly will, but because they won’t. People are simple. Don’t suspect that Greg actually wants a season of Gilmore Girls to get in touch with his feminine side just because he has it on occasionally before or after a show he likes. But if you’re unsure maybe outright ask him. In fact, why not call and ask people what they want as a general rule? Every time I’ve done that it’s turned out better than a surprise.
6. Surprises are only valuable when they’re good. Many people put too much importance on surprising someone with a gift and too little importance on the gift’s quality. So surprise people if you can do it right, but don’t sacrifice the appropriateness of the gift just so you can say “Surprise! [jazz hands] It’s a book on dogs. I know you’re a cat person so I knew you’d never see it coming!”
7. Give them something they would buy for themselves. I’ve never understood this cliché: “A gift should be something they’d never buy for themselves.” Why the hell not? I wouldn’t buy myself Britney Spears’ greatest hits but that doesn’t mean I’ll be ecstatic if it ends up under my Christmas tree. I would, on the other hand, buy myself a copy of Practical Magic but I’d suggest calling someone before you make a purchase to see if they’ve bought the item, are likely to, or if anyone else is likely to. (Whoever calls first gets to buy it for me. And. Go.) Otherwise you’re setting them up for a guiltless regifting situation where they have 2 of something.
8. Never underestimate a person’s ability to have disproportionate expectations. Maybe we learn not to do this in our daily or romantic lives (with time) but at Christmas most of us turn into little children. You don’t know how many times growing up I saw a present under the tree of any size and simply because I didn’t know what it was, thought “Could it be a car?” (Keys are small.) And I was always pissed when it wasn’t, even if it was something I wanted. I promise you, your gift is not cool enough to get someone’s hopes up over unless it really is the fulfillment of their greatest desire and are you sure you really know what that is? Really? I think you’d better check. Letting them know what their gift is in the process is okay. Otherwise you’re putting unfair pressure on your gift. It is only a gift after all. Why make it such a big deal? Ask them, “What do you need?” If they say “Radiohead CD,” there’s no way they’ll confuse it with the new Honda Hybrid. Simple. Direct. Done.
9. When all else fails gift card gift card gift card. In fact, the best gift I’ve ever received was a gift card mastercard which can be applied to anything like a credit card. I was able to pay my electric bill that Christmas. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Rochetti. That was years ago and you may not remember that gift but I certainly do. And if it was merely a clever regift, I say, bravo.
For more on regifting see my previous post: How to regift well.
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