Jennifer Elia supports Chaz Bono--but partners go through a transition, too

November 2, 7:30 AMTransgender & Transsexual Issues ExaminerMatt Kailey

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Jennifer Elia and Chaz Bono

AP Photo/Dan Steinberg

Many outlets, including US magazine, are reporting on Jennifer Elia’s support of her partner, Chaz Bono, during his transition from female to male.

It’s fantastic that Elia is able to offer that support and stand beside him as he goes through one of the most difficult and exciting times in his life. And it is good that Elia’s own feelings are being recognized as part of this transition.

Partners can sometimes feel left out of the mix. They are going through a transition as well, and it can be just as life changing and fraught with difficulty. The partner or spouse of a transitioning individual can have many questions and concerns, not the least of which is “What does that make me?”

For example, if a woman has a strong lesbian identity and her female partner transitions to male, it can sometimes cause problems with her own view of herself. She may ask herself, “Am I still a lesbian? Am I a straight woman now? How will I handle the world seeing us as a straight couple?”

I have received e-mails from lesbian partners asking these very questions. They are struggling with their own identity, and often this struggle goes unacknowledged.

On the other hand, a straight male partner of a person transitioning from female to male might have concerns about the world seeing him as a gay man if he stays with his partner — and, truly, that is probably what will happen.

The female partner of a person transitioning from male to female may be concerned about her heterosexual identity as well. She might think, “If I stay with my partner, I will be seen as a lesbian. Will I be a lesbian?”

These are legitimate concerns. Part of our personal identity is based upon how others see and respond to us. It is important for a transitioning person to be seen and acknowledged as the gender that matches that person’s gender identity. It is equally important for a spouse or partner to be seen by the world as who he or she is.

A transitioning person must take this into account when working through the transition with his or her partner. And the partner must be able to work through any personal identity problems that a loved one’s transition brings up.

While it’s true that a loved one’s transition may cause changes in how a relationship is seen by the world, it does not mean that a partner must give up his or her own personal identity. But it is not always easy. In any transition, for a relationship to maintain, a partner’s feelings must be given an equal opportunity to be recognized and dealt with.