The Four Agreements: principles that comfort you in relationship turmoil...

November 9, 2:38 PMSacramento Dating Advice ExaminerLisa Lewis

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Can you relate to this? 

 
You give someone your whole heart and put your trust and faith in them. Over time your relationship becomes solid and your very happy together. But then things start to unravel as your partner starts treating you differently – becoming cold and uncommunicative. The intimacy you shared becomes non-existent – along with the love and affection he used to lavish on you so frequently. Clueless as to what could be going on as no explanations are offered up on his end, you privately try different approaches to reclaim your connection.

 
When they all prove futile, you’re forced to stop beating around the bush and have a talk with him - hoping to make him understand your worry, pain and confusion over these changes in your relationship. And instead of loving reassurances and the explanation you’re hoping for, you’re greeted with defensiveness and irritated denials.

You feel as if your best friend is missing – you can get no resolution or closure because there is still the problem of the cold stranger who bears his resemblance, living with you in his place.
This is a total nightmare for the person on the receiving end of a situation like this. Along with the feeling of being in “limbo” and not knowing where to turn next, you start to blame yourself for the changes in your lover toward you.

First of all know this - In any relationship you have with another person -- and this especially applies to a love relationship – one of you will always be more or less a “giver”, while the other one will have the much easier role of the “taker” . So as romantic as those in-depth "I’ll-always-respect-you foremost" all- nighters you pulled together in the beginning were -  it still seems to happen that one of you will take the vows you made to heart and chart every step you take based on how it might affect you lover - while the other party might remember those promises when it suits them - or not at all – and without explanation. This is understandably heartbreaking for those of us in the “giver” role.

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Since I have some experience in situations like this, I thought I would recommend a somewhat different approach to help you deal with not only the pain and uncertainty of the situation, but the unnecessary guilt you’re probably carrying around for a situation you didn’t create. 
 

I know that some of you reading this may be asking yourself why I don’t just cut to the chase and recommend dropping the relationship and moving on. But let me remind you that every person’s journey through life is never identical to that of another . The roads we choose each have different trails and paths leading us to where each one of us needs to be at the time. And when it’s the right time for what we need to know to be revealed – it will be revealed.
 

OK, now that I’ve gotten Zen on you grasshoppers, here’s a short introduction to my main point.
 

The year I turned 44 my spiritual awareness (the same awareness we all have) started loudly knocking at the door. A lot of things were in the process of happening that year – I guess it was my time for a huge spiritual growth spurt. I had been in the exact situation I've been speaking of  -  for 18 years. I had tried everything I could to “fix” a one-sided relationship by myself. I had been through the guilt – it was heavy. I had to get strong in order to do whatever I would need to do next.

I will never forget the day I read a small list of  principles to live by - a spiritual checklist called the Four Agreements.

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The Four Agreements are four simple things we would be wise to practice reflecting on. They can help us stabilize our emotions in any difficult situation – a sort of “golden rules” for living.

Here is the list, copied verbatim. The four agreements apply to any situation with another person you can think of. In this case, I will give you my opinion on how they might help those of  you in a suddenly uncertain love relationship – from a “givers” perspective anyway.

The Four Agreements - by Don Miguel Ruiz:
 

1.Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. – Although we often miss the mark and react out of emotion, there’s always tomorrow to get it right. The next time you need to say something you may be afraid to say to your partner – something they may not want to hear causing them to say something you may not want to hear -  say it anyway and from the heart. Do this with the message of this first agreement in mind. Remember as long as you are speaking from the heart  what you put out there is correct - no matter how it's received.

2.Don't Take Anything Personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. – This is the hardest,  but most important thing to remember. It’s difficult not to take it personally when the person you love and trusted starts treating you less than honorably. . But when you understand they’re reacting upon their own perceptions of their own “story” , not only will it open your eyes to the fact that you don’t own the responsibility of “fixing” them, but you will start to realize that their discontent is not because of you - no matter how they might behave.

 
3. Don't make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. – As we talked about earlier – this is often easier said than done. And ease your own burden by having the courage to communicate your needs and concerns to your partner from the heart – and then step back from it. If they don’t perceive what you’re trying to say to them then realize they're not able to comprehend it right now. It's on them and you can't "fix" it. You’ve done all you can –  relax, you’re not guilty. 

4. Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. – This is where self-forgiveness for such things as that  silly blunder you committed 5 years before comes in to play. Your "best" is defined as “the best you are capable of doing at the time.” (Which is different from doing something half-a**ed, of course). Realize that the other person is also doing his best at time – although it may seem anything but. And that his best will be different from your best because your perceptions of things are different.  
 

These simple messages will not make the pain of the situation magically go away of course. In the death of trust in anything  precious - anything  that was once fully alive- grieving is necessary in order to heal and move on to the next phase. However the message in these four agreements should bring you enough comfort that it becomes easier to stabilize your emotions as needed where your own added baggage such as taking on someone else's responsibilities and creating needless guilt are concerned. If you’re a “giver” in any sense, your load should be much lighter - leaving your mind free to clearly chart your next path.  And wherever that path may take you  -  with or without your partner – rest easy knowing it’s the path you need to be on at this moment in your life.