Friends into Lovers - Part 2

June 1, 8:56 PMNY Lesbian Relationship ExaminerMimi Valentine

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I first wrote on this topic a couple of years ago, which is why I call this one Part 2, for I believe a wiser, updated version is overdue. Many of you have read that first article and sent me your feedback. So, don’t be shy about doing the same this time around.

“Friends into lovers” is no doubt a topic which gets a lot of attention, and one where there is no easy answer and no easy way out.

Are you feeling butterflies in the stomach when a certain friend calls, emails, texts, or sends messages? Have you begun to play scenarios in your head where the two of you are involved in a romantic/sexual relationship? Your friend is following your flirty lead but you’re still not sure because you’re too scared to approach the topic with her?

Are you excited and scared at the same time?

You should be.

I have no doubt that if you’re in the middle of this situation, you are wishing you knew the answer. Before plunging into the dangerous pool of giving into your desires with that friend of yours, read below, because, yes, to answer your question, you will likely lose the friendship if you’re not careful.

Call me a romantic fool, but I do believe that despite the odds, if it’s the real thing, it’ll succeed. I have seen it work, but the odds are against you for the most part. You will risk a broken heart. If you’re brave enough and follow certain rules, granted that she is The One and feels as you do, your risk will pay off. 

Now, before we go any further, you need to answer a question to yourself. For one, you need to define whether this is a real friend or a flirty acquaintance you’ve known and hang out with for a time. As you know, there are huge differences. If your situation is the latter, it is almost a no-brainer and chances are you will go for it. But the situation that gets the best of us is the one that regards a true, trusted, long-time friend, someone who you trust in so many ways, perhaps even completely.

Perhaps you got drunk and told each other things in the heat of the moment. Perhaps you got drunk and kissed, or even worse, slept with each other and now are going through the awkward, morning-after moments.

Did you see the movie When Harry Met Sally and became optimistic about your situation? Sure! They went through the awkward moments, but in the end, they did get together. Perhaps you hope your situation will turn out like that, but as a friend I would remind you that’s Hollywood, and that in real life, the chance of that happening is one in a million. Greater are the chances that you’ll lose that friendship, because certain unspoken rules are likely to be broken, as they usually are, because after all, we are human.

So, based on my experience and that of others I know, short of telling you don’t risk it, here are the rules you must not break should you decide to proceed and open that door. As the hopeless romantic I am, I do believe that our greatest loves generally begin as a friendship. I believe these rules below are the solid foundation to a successful relationship, even one that transitions from friendship into romance.
 

Rule # 1. Don’t lie to each other, especially about your feelings. It is crucial that you both remain open and honest about what is happening between you two. You gain nothing by pretending nothing is going on and keeping the other guessing. Besides, if you’re both feeling the same and share your real feelings with each other, chances are your romance will only get more intense after those open heart-on-your-sleeve talks.

Rule # 2. Communicate between you two constantly. Having that one-night talk is not enough. Don’t assume that everything is going to flow perfectly after that. This is different from rule #1. When you communicate openly, you’re constantly sharing feedback and learning to be better partners. You’re on new ground and need to learn those new aspects of each other. Of course it is harder to communicate when the feedback is not positive. But for the sake of the relationship or of the friendship, you must.

Rule # 3. Provide an open exchange of dialogue between you two. And what I mean by that, make sure you both make each other comfortable enough to discuss anything, no matter how difficult. Don’t react and hit back with negative criticism if you get hurt, don’t get angry or start a fight. If it hurts, take a deep breath and tell her so. The same applies when she says something that makes you incandescently happy. Here is where the friendship aspect kicks in. Make sure she doesn’t fear opening up to you. It should go both ways.

Rule # 4. Listen. Really listen. Don’t just listen to what you want to hear, but also listen to her needs. Always put yourself in her shoes. And I don’t mean borrow her Ferragamos. :-)

Rule # 5. Be selfless with each other. If you both do this, meaning thinking about the other person before you think of yourself, you will always be friends, even if the romance ends. Be considerate of her feelings.

Rule # 6. Don’t stay because you don’t want to hurt her feelings. It’s a sad situation when the romance is gone and you don’t have the courage to tell her. You are only postponing the pain and unpleasantness. Don’t forget that if you’re both open and honest with each other, the friendship will survive the break up. I have seen it done. When is over, it’s over. Sooner or later, someone else will get your attention and if you’re still “stuck” in your overdue relationship because you’re too chicken to hurt the other person, or fear being alone, you’ll risk becoming a cheater and will surely lose that friend. End it before someone else comes along. Be brave for the both of you. Have that difficult conversation. Life goes on and so will you.

Rule # 7. Lastly, and an important check, (perhaps this should have been the first rule), make sure that you are not the only one who’s feeling romantically about your friend before taking the plunge. How will you know? You will need to be brave and at some point have the conversation about your feelings with her. If she is really your friend, but doesn’t feel the same way, you will both survive the awkwardness. If you lose her, then she really wasn’t your friend and be glad you found out sooner as supposed to later. Also, there are situations when your friend cannot give you an answer on the spot. She will need time and space. Give it to her. If it's meant to be, she'll come around. Don't be a pest. She'll arrive there on her own.

 

As you can imagine, the rules above apply to both of you. It’s the only way it will work. If only one of you is capable of following them, good luck keeping yourselves from heartbreak.

Feel free to share these rules in one of your conversations. See where she stands.

There are other dynamics that you’d think would affect the situation, such as one of you two being straight, or you’re both of the opposite sex, but seriously, the rules above apply regardless.

So, as you can see, there is hope that the two of you will work out. Just realize that taking the romantic path with a friend cannot be a casual thing. If all you are, is just curious and don’t want to be serious, do not do it. Do not use your friend to satisfy an urge or a curiosity. That’s selfish and it will surely bring heartbreak to one of you and sure loss of the friendship. There are plenty of pretty women out there, total strangers, who are likely to satisfy your urges or curiosity. For casual romance or sex, stay away from your friends.

A final thought. 

A favorite line I wanted to share with you today is below. Can you guess which movie it is from?

“I’ve come here with no expectations, only to profess that, my heart has always been and will always be yours.”

Curious to read Part 1 of this article? Click here.

For more info: visit my site at: http://askthenycgirl.com/