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Obama vs. McCain : Thrilla' on the Hill-a
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As the election draws near, it is time that someone perform an in-depth, unbiased analysis of the candidates.
That someone should be an expert on political theory, possess a firm grasp on the important issues and know all the words to "Stayin' Alive" by The BeeGees. Since such a person does not exist, I'll go ahead and fill in.
John McCain - Senator - Arizona
Vitals: 5'9" (used to be 6'4"), 175 lbs, Heart rate dropping...Clear!
Party: Republican (Maverick Wing)
Nationality: American
Marital Status: Milf Hunter
Religion: Baptist (Maverick Denomination)
Profession: US Senator/Cocoon Enthusiast
Favorite TV Show: Maverick
Favorite Movie: Maverick
Favorite Word (Official): Maverick
Favorite Word (Private): Geritol
Appeals to: Mavericks, Renegades, Outlaws, Non-conformists, Dissenters, Old People.
On The Issues
Iraq War: Supports staying the course, but, you know, in a maverick sort of way.
Darfur: Has pledged to talk to Queen Victoria about taking care of her colonies.
Environment: McCain is committed to finding an alternative energy source to steam power.
Gay Rights: "I keep telling you, the bond my guys and I had in 'Nam couldn't possibly be understood by civilians."
Roe v. Wade: More concerned with Dred Scott at the moment…
Illegal Immigration: "That yard isn't going to landscape itself."
Overview
McCain speaks softly and carries a big stick...primarily because of Laryngitis and Osteoporosis,.
Barack Obama - Senator - Illinois
Vitals: 6'1", 181 lbs, loves fried chicken AND Mayonnaise
Party: Democratic (Hope and Change Wing)
Nationality: International
Marital Status: Married to Condoleeza Rice look-alike
Previous Religion: Christianity (Anti-Whitey sect)
Current Religion: Christianity (We love Whitey sect)
Profession: Senator/Change Advocate
Favorite TV Show: The Jeffersons
Favorite Word (Official): Hope
Favorite Word (Private): Honky
Appeals To: Honkies, Religious Cult fodder, everyone else.
Health Care: Having struggled financially at one point, he recognizes the need for universal healthcare for all Americans. (Hold for applause)
Iraq War: Having been to Iraq and the rest of the world, he understands the suffering families are going through and pledges a swift conclusion to the conflict. (Hold for applause)
Darfur: Being African, he sympathizes with the plight of the war-torn country and will send humanitarian aid to ease the pain. (Hold for applause)
Environment: Living on earth, he agrees that change needs to be made in order to avoid catastrophic greenhouse effects. (Hold for applause)
Gay Rights: As a gay man, he strongly supports the legalization of marriage among same sex couples. (Hold for applause)
Roe V. Wade: After having an abortion earlier in life, he understands the sensitive nature of the subject and supports upholding the historic court decision. (Hold for applause)
Illegal Immigration: As an illegal immigrant...wait...what was the question?
Obama understands you personally (Joe the Plumber). He wants you to have hope, as he pledges change to the system. Also, he can read your thoughts and now possesses your soul.
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