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A Puppy Can Never Replace A Boyfriend
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A fellow Examiner recently published an article about puppies making great’ boyfriend-replacements’. Well, in some ways, she was right about pups having attributes preferable to those some men have, but in other way, she missed the mark, much like a male puppy does when learning to pee. My colleague got barked at a bit by readers who felt she was suggesting lonely gals just go out and get themselves a puppy. Well, she sort of was, but not for the wrong reasons. She promptly explained her piece and followed up with an article on responsible puppy ownership. All is well in her world again, as it should be. The consultants on Examiner.com love animals, and concern for their welfare is why we write the articles we do. And sometimes, we get a little silly. This is one of those times.
I wish to defend the puppies who have been used as boyfriend replacements. They are NOT better than boyfriends, and I’m going to tell you why. Puppies can make you fall in love with them, but the only gifts they give you, besides sweet puppy-breath kisses, are smelly turds on your floor, or if housebroken, on your lawn. Boyfriends use the toilet, though they often miss their mark, just as young male puppies do, which is why we gals keep a rug at the base of our commodes. It’s sort of a pee-pee splatter shield to protect the floor. Compare it to a housebreaking wee-wee pad, except this thing never gets removed other than to wash it.
As for turds, most men get that part right. They flush them, thankfully, and when Nature calls them to the crapper to do their business, they usually leave the seat in the ‘down’ position. Trying to train men to put the toilet seat down after urinary use has been going on since the old outhouse days. There’s just no way to do it, unless you use a Sharpie to write a reminder on the underside of the seat. “Put this thing down or else!” ‘Or else’ can be: no dinner, cold dinner that was supposed to be hot, or, horror of horrors: no sex. That’ll get a man trained in no time.
You can’t have sex with puppies, and if you disagree, please check yourself into the nearest psychiatric hospital. Puppies do kiss, but they slobber, and eventually they grow up and start licking their private parts and believe me, you don’t want any dog kissing you after they’ve gone there ! Men slobber too, and some are really bad kissers, but the kiss you get from a boyfriend is far different from the kind you get from a puppy. Again, if you disagree, please check yourself into the nearest psychiatric hospital.
As for companionship, puppies will snuggle and cuddle with you and make you feel warm all over. Boyfriends have nothing on them in that department. Always happy to see you, even if you just went out to your car for a moment, puppies give you a full-body greeting, (sometimes with happy yelps!), telling you that you’re the most important person in their world. In fact, you are their world. Pups, and grown-up pups (dogs) give an unconditional love no boyfriend can match. They’ll kiss you even when you have the worst morning breath, never disapprove of your appearance, and will happily eat whatever you give to them, even if their dinner is cold. They just want your love and affection and want to be with you all the time. Now, imagine if a boyfriend did that. He’d basically be a stalker. Either that, or a sap. Who needs it?
Boyfriends do win in the romance department. Their kind of cuddling can be smolderingly sexy. They can keep you warm at night, like a puppy does, but boyfriends can also get you hot. (Once again, if you disagree, with this, you MUST check yourself into the nearest psychiatric hospital pronto!Seriously.) Puppies also won’t bring you flowers unless they’re the ones you spent all day yesterday planting in your garden. They will defend your honor, but if not trained properly, every person and dog that comes near you can be perceived as a threat. Puppies need lots of socialization, whereas boyfriends usually have that down by the time they come into your life. And like puppies, you can choose a boyfriend based on their cuteness and temperament, and whether or not their pervious owner trained them well.
A boyfriend will take you to dinner, to shows, to the park, to meet his parents (if he’s serious about you), and he’ll involve you in his favorite activities. Puppies can’t even drive a car, much less open a car door for you! And puppies make no apologies when they burp, fart, or vomit on your rug. Then again, most boyfriends don’t either… But a boyfriend can do manly things for you, like lift stuff and mow the lawn. He can even walk your puppy for you; a puppy that will some day be a dog, and depending on the breed or mix you’ve chosen, that dog could become fairly large, which means that s/he will eventually take dumps relative to it’s size. Boyfriends will pick up after puppies. Puppies will not pick up after boyfriends, or themselves.
Puppies and boyfriends are two distinctly different animals, and each has a place in your life, and each requires nurturing, training, love, and respect for who and what they are. If you’re in need of a man, a man is what you should get. If your guy just dumped you, or you kicked his sorry ass to the curb, getting a puppy won’t change the heartbreak you feel. The only reason to get a puppy is because you want the (massive) responsibility of a dog – yes, a dog. Puppies don’t stay small and adorable forever. That cute little jumping thing they do when you come home may not be so cute when Pupper is twice his size and your elderly mother comes to visit…
If you want to give love and get love unconditionally, in a way that is not like any love a (mentally stable) human can ever give you, then borrow a dog and see how you like sharing your life with one. Do the research. Go to dog parks and talk to dog owners and find out what life with a dog is really like. Apples and oranges, Girls. Apples and oranges. A puppy is not a boyfriend-replacement or a tool to be used to get over your recent breakup. That’s like thinking a sibling can meet your needs on the same level the right boyfriend can. It just won’t happen. What will happen with a puppy is you’ll have a relationship unlike any other; a spiritual human-animal bond -- and that kind of love is one every dog deserves no matter what its age.
Don’t wait for a human relationship to go sour, or life to throw you a curve ball, if you’re thinking of getting a dog. You don’t have to get a puppy. You can go to an animal shelter and find a beautiful bundle of love just waiting for a forever home and a wonderful life with you. By giving that to an animal in need, you truly give to yourself and that is the only reason to go out and get a dog; because you want to be their guardian angel and share your life with them, not use them to replace a person who’s no longer in it.
