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Halloween DVD Guide: Five Quick Reviews in One
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So like I said, I'm trying to get as much in as possible before tonight, so I'm gonna do a 5 in 1. I apologize for any grammar errors and zero hyperlinks, I really had to throw this together last minute. Ok, up first is:
Infestation (I think Icon Film Dist. is the distribution company, but it's been on the SciFi channel, so they might have something to do with it)
It's what the title says: Christopher Marquette (The Girl Next Door, Fanboys) is given an annoying amount of adlibbing freedom in a film about a small group of humans trying to survive an attack by giant visual effects beetles. He's the only face you're likely to recognize, but he's just not that funny without proper writing to back him up.
The effects are plentiful but are hit and miss - actually mostly miss. It gets the point across, but with amazing effects in other films like Transformers, it's hard to be ok with going back to mediocre fx. The coolest thing Infestation has to offer are the results of getting stung by one of these beetles: giant spider-like legs sprout from the person's abdomen, and their own legs shrink up behind their back as they trudge around in a zombified state, killing other humans.
Overall, it's pretty funny actually. You can't really tell if the writers are taking themselves seriously or not - a lot of the time it seems that they are, and that's where the hilarity comes in. One of those "it's so bad it's good" situations, where the attempt at a scary situation is done in a way that makes you burst out with laughter. Bottom line, if you want a shitty monsters take over the world movie to laugh at, pick up Infestation.
Grade: 3 out of 10 Beetledogs
Best Watched: Definitely watch the opening scene at the office
Makes You Feel: Like watching Transformers
Last of the Living (Quantum Releasing)
Again, what the title says: When zombies attacked and overtook New Zealand, fate decided to spare the 3 dumbest dipshits the island has to offer. Usually, when you're making a movie about survival, you write the characters as likable so the audience will care whether they survive or not. Not the case here: Our "heroes" just squat from mansion to mansion watching TV and playing video games. And when they run out of food? They grab their mêlée weapons (according to one of them, the last big shootout against the zombies wiped out all ammunition - like, all of it...in all of New Zealand) and run to the giant supermarket. A more practical sense of living would have them move into this Costco type superstore, but not these guys. I guess it doesn't really matter, since the zombies are about as threatening as inanimate traffic cones - you'd literally have to bump into one for any results. Oh, and they head butt - zombies don't head butt, that's bullsh*t. AND they're selective? That's right, they push one person out of the way to get to someone else - also bullsh*t, they'd just eat their way through the first person to get to the second.
Bottom line on this one is cocka doody. Breaks zombie rules, characters are unlikable idiots, writing sucks, garbage garbage stay away.
Grade: 1 out of 10 braaaaaainsssss (that's right, they do the classic brains whisper/moan too)
Best Watched: Back in New Zealand, where this kind of crap is apparently acceptable
Makes You Feel: Like it's looking pretty easy to up and start a filmmaking career
The Hills Run Red (Warner Brothers)
This one was pretty cool. The opening scene gives you a bit of an idea where you're headed with The Hills, when a young boy literally cuts his face off with a pair of scissors. This is definitely filed under brutal.
Now, the story is that a cinephile, Tyler, is trying to track down a copy of an infamous horror movie in which the director may or may not have had people really killed. His lead is the director's daughter, Alexa, a trashy stripper who needs detoxification before she can help old Ty. Meanwhile, Ty's best friend and girlfriend, AKA his movie crew, are screwing around behind his back. It's these little sidesteps from the main plot that help conceal twists to come down the road, and it works, I was fooled to some extent.
So the crew and Alexa head to the house she thinks she remembers her father filming at, and they get accosted by a gentleman known simply as Babyface. This is his name, because when he cut up his face as a child, he decided in the end it might've been a bad decision and covered it up with a baby doll mask. Of course, it's all inbred and scary looking, with both pieces of the mask connected by barbed wire and Baby's unflattering dental spread poking out.
This is worth checking out. Since the main character and his best friend are movie buffs, they seem to have their horror movie checklist in order: Bring a gun, don't rely on a cell phone (which has - gasp - service in the woods!), run this way and not that way, etc. There are a number of nice surprises towards the end, so it's strange when the actual ending felt a bit bland. Overall, it's a damn good slasher attempt.
Grade: 8 out of 10 scissors to the face
Best Watched: far, far away from any large amount of trees grouped together (sometimes known as the forest)
Makes You Feel: Like maybe that filmmaking career wasn't such a good idea after all
Oh and P.S., something for after you watch - it's the one thing I couldn't really figure out: "You can keep singing...if it makes you feel better." ...wtf?
Splinter (Magnolia)
I think this one may have come out a few months ago, but if you haven't seen it, it's really worth checking out. Paulo Costanzo (Road Trip) is Seth, and he and his girlfriend Polly (Jill Wagner) are trying to camp, but Seth's a bit of a wuss. When they pack it up and head for a motel, they run into hitchhikers Dennis and Lacey. Actually, they're more criminal than hitchhiker - they kind of fool the couple into giving them a ride, and they do so with a gun. No worries, though, they become friends when they're put in a life and death situation at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.
See, there's this weird spiky growth that lives around the gas station, sort of the like the stuff from the seventies movie...The Stuff - except it's alive. It infects people and turns them all spiky, not to mention twitchy and jerky and killy.
So it's spiky things that turn people into spiky zombies versus the living trapped in a gas station mini mart. It's a horror concept, that's all it needs to be. Good horror movies will either offer you this simple concept and do a great job telling the story, or will offer you a concept so mind shattering that you have to wipe your face off the wall. This would be the former. Direction is spot on, offering moments of tension in an otherwise limited setting (they call these marts "mini" for a reason). The actors do their job and the editors theirs, but the thing that stands out most is the creature makeup and effects. They're perfect. And the creature design is unique and creative - the spike monsters are easily the highlight of the movie. The only exception would be the cringe-worthy scene of Dennis' arm acting up in the beer cooler. Brutal...
Grade: 9 out of 10 stupid cops who don't listen to people when words come out of their mouth
Best Watched: At a gas station in the middle of nowhere, spiky sh*t optional
Makes You Feel: Like you value the strength of your bone structure
Trickr Treat (Warner Brothers)
I can almost guarantee this will be all rented out if you've waited till the last minute to get your scary movie view on for Halloween, but if you get lucky, snag it before all these other ones. It's not that it's any better than Splinter (I actually liked Splinter more), it's just that this is too perfectly themed for the holiday.
Trickr Treat is basically Creepshow, but it takes place all on one night: Halloween. It's 4 different stories that intertwine: Dylan Baker (Dr. Conner from the Spiderman movies) is a killer principle, Anna Paquin is some kind of virgin being stalked by some kind of vampire, a group of prank playing mean kids unwittingly get a taste of their own medicine, and an old man has a battle royal with a little sack-faced tike.
This Treat has a little of everything: Vampires, werewolves, zombified children ghosts, slashers, razorblade candybars, shotguns, pumpkin smashings, projectile vomiting, ghosts, creatures, and more. It's Halloween as a variety hour. Sure, there are flaws here and there, and it does feel like cheap fun, but that's ok because it's what was intended by those who made the film. If you want that perfect Halloween feel as you hand out candy tonight, pick this bad boy up.
Grade: 9 out of 10 lollipop shanks
Best Watched: This is actually the first movie I'll advise you watch right in your home, on your couch
Makes You Feel: Festive? I dunno...
So I had about 15 movies I wanted to review, and I only got through 8, but hopefully that's enough for all you pumpkinheads out there (something, by the way, that would make the top ten classics for Halloween viewing). Be safe tonight.
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