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Reader Response | lesbians, bisexuals and boys
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I received a comment on my “what’s the beef with bisexuals” blog that expresses a common sentiment amongst lesbians.
Jane - I don't have anything against bisexuals or straight women; as a lesbian, I'm simply not attracted to either, and never have been. For dating purposes, I like a woman who is distinctly, wholly gay. Do bisexuals have a bad rap in the community? Maybe. I think part of this is due to what you pointed out -- the fear of infidelity, a perceived lack of commitment, and the idea that the bisexual is just experimenting -- but there may also be a biological basis. Many lesbians (not all, but many) are turned off by the idea of sharing intimate space with males, and when a woman is bi, especially with recent encounters with males, it may be a turn-off for those lesbians. It also doesn't help the bi community that experimentation IS a big part of the human experience, and there have been many temporary bi's whose orientation is fluid only until it's time to "get serious". And if I were a straight woman? I really wouldn't want to share my vagina with a penis that spent a lot of time in @sses.
Jane’s comments reflect a common sentiment amongst lesbians. I am sure there are reasons that she feels this way that are not included in the brief context of a blog comment. I completely support her right to surround herself with people based on any criteria she deems important, especially when it comes to dating. Every individual has the right to seek support and connections where they choose according to personal preference. We all have criteria when it comes to dating and the lesbians that avoid bisexual women are leaving a more bountiful selection for those of us who do not discriminate against people based on sexual orientation.
What Jane’s statement implies about the lesbian community effectively summarizes why I am unlikely to participate in large, exclusively lesbian gatherings. I can only handle so much ‘women’s space’ before I have a compelling need to seek ‘alone space.’
The ‘male-bashing’ and ‘bisexual-bashing’ that I have overheard in the lesbian community is disturbing. I do not care about an individual's group affiliations. I am more interested in what people think and feel.
I don’t have the same attitude towards bisexual women as many lesbians for very simple, experiential reasons. If my amorous intentions were exclusive to the lesbian community, then I would have dated two people over the last 25 years. I did not come out of the closet planning to take an oath of celibacy. I never intended to be a ‘lesbian in theory.’ Consequently I am thankful to several bisexual women for insuring that the last few decades of lesbianism weren't completely uneventful.
I have known many bisexuals who have married men. That doesn’t mean they feel no attraction to women. It isn’t something they act on if they are in a monogamous relationship. Furthermore, contrary to Hollywood representation, the guy does not always get the girl. Often the girl gets the girl when things ‘get serious.’
I recognize that infidelity is part of the bisexual mythos, but I haven’t seen compelling data suggesting that bisexuals are less capable of fidelity. Whereas some bisexual behavior may be a function of people experimenting or going through a phase, it would be naïve to assume that experience is uniform across the spectrum. It is no different than heterosexuals who think all lesbians are masculine and all gay men are feminine. That observation may be true for some people, but it is not an inherent trait. The implication that bisexuality is inherently more promiscuous is pedantic and judgmental. It reduces large groups of individuals into little more than two dimensional caricatures.
Why do so many people feel that bisexuals can choose? How can we insist that they choose while insisting that sexual attraction is not a choice? Are we angry with bisexuals because anatomy doesn’t determine their dating pool? Are we upset that they have a broader selection? Is that too much competition?
If dating a bisexual is more threatening, then it is probably a good idea not to get involved with one. However, there’s no need to suggest that bisexuals should change their sexual orientation because other people perceive elevated commitment risk. If all of us had to change sexual orientation because of fear, misunderstanding or hostility, there would be no homosexuality. If the gay community wants to ignore the social condemnation by the Right Wing Republicans, shouldn’t bisexuals apply the same philosophy and ignore gay people who cast aspersions or insist that they ‘choose?
I have nothing against men either. I don’t know what I would do without the men in my life. The two people that I spend the most time with are male.
My best friend, Bill, has taught me an enormous amount about life. As a long-term HIV+ gay man he has a unique perspective. He approaches each day with more vigor, passion and determination than any other human that I have ever encountered. He is absurd, brilliant, sagacious, salacious, stubborn, temperamental, unconventional, occasionally uncompromising, witty, wise and wonderful. Over the last 15 years he has changed who I am and how I view life. We are like an old married couple. I have never met anyone like him or anyone who reminds me of him. He is unique. He is special. He is a precious commodity, not to be overlooked should one be fortunate enough to cross his path.
I met Tony when I started in the mortgage industry 6 years ago. He is an urbane, heterosexual black man from Detroit and I am a white, hippy lesbian chick from New Mexico. He loves to discuss politics, economics, history, philosophy, international affairs and social issues as much as I do. We drink wine and talk until the sun rises. He is intelligent, charming, logical,pragmatic, mellow, affable, poised, refined, diplomatic, kind and compassionate. He is also one of the few people on the planet who can convince me to dance until the sun comes up. That is a rare feat these days and, therefore, a valuable addition to my overall experience.
Through Tony I have gained perspective into the experience of a black, heterosexual male. Through me he has become aware and sensitive to gay issues and the lesbian experience. I get insight into male psychology and he gets insight into female psychology. We don’t censor a damn thing and no topic is taboo. It is a mutually beneficial, vital relationship for me. He is like a brother… I don’t care about his plumbing or who he sleeps with. I care about Tony. Those other things are irrelevant.
The influence of men in my inner circle of friends is not a new phenomenon. There have always been men pivotal to my evolution. There are too many to mention in one blog entry, because each have written a chapter in the novel that is my life. My relationships with these men have been crucial to my evolution as an individual and as a woman. A male participated in my arrival on the planet and my dad has permanently influenced my perception, philosophy and response to the world. Through his influence, I have always had an easy time attracting intelligent, open minded, compassionate, self aware males. Does that make me a lesbian anomaly?
My understanding of the world around me has been broadened with each new amazing individual that I find. As a result I could never ascribe to any ‘ism’ that involves eliminating a large group of prospects from my social network. I am not immune from exercising bias and discretion, but I prefer to eliminate people based on individual character and compatibility rather than group affiliation or idiosyncrasies.
E: meanderingmuse@comcast.net
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