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Happy Father's Day

My dad having an American Gothic moment

I am an only child. My ‘dad’ is not my birth father. Another man provided the genes. However, my dad did all the work associated with fatherhood. He took care of me, protected me and loved me despite my surly teenage years, when I took great delight in vexing my parents in every conceivable fashion.  He watched and fed me when my mom worked late, disciplined me when I disobeyed (a daily occurrence for most of my youth), taught me how to fish, taught me how to shoot a bow, taught me how to dance, taught me how to avoid unnecessary conflict, taught me how to fight back when conflict was unavoidable, put up with the drama and trauma of my teen years and helped me pick my first car. In adulthood, he has fixed my house, interviewed mechanics, reviewed all home repair quotes and given me sage advice about the many challenges that life presents on a day-to-day basis. Currently he is building me a gorgeous, solid oak mission style bedroom set. How many dads can do stuff like that? Not many.

 

Though I may not carry his genes, I absorbed his personality, interests and philosophies. Through him, I learned to appreciate nature, animals, politics and history. He cultivated an innate instinct to question everything and everyone, rather than blindly accepting words as fact. I learned right from wrong and that it is important to stand up for what you believe in. He taught me to be honest, but warned me that honesty often agitates others. I learned “life ain’t fair, kid.” I learned that wanting something doesn’t make it happen. You have to work for it. Sometimes you have to work for a really long time.  I learned there are no guarantees in life. I learned a lot. My dad isn’t the type of man to ‘candy coat’ reality for his child.  He told me the truth. Frequently I didn’t like what he had to say, but I can’t say that my father ever lied to me.

 

A lot is involved in being a father. It isn’t an easy role. It involves a lot more than getting a woman pregnant. Being a step-father is even harder. My mom and dad got married when I was 5. I wasn’t welcoming. Like many children, I resented the new member of the household. I didn’t like sharing my mom’s attention. I didn’t like having another authority figure telling me what to do.   I resisted having another ‘parent’ in my life. I was hotheaded and willful. Whereas my mother is laid back and avoids conflict, my dad is just as hot tempered and obstinate as me. We fought about, and debated, everything and nothing, every day, endlessly, until my mother told us both to shut up.  

 

If reincarnation exists, my dad was a mountain man. He can build anything, fix anything, MacGyver anything, hunt, fish and make it all look easy. He is so productive that watching him for a couple of hours can be exhausting. He’s the type of guy who could disappear into the woods and live off the land, only venturing into town once a year for supplies. As long as he has my mom and his dogs at his side, he’s happy. When he looks at you, his blue eyes penetrate like a bird of prey. It feels like he is looking through you. It’s intimidating. He’s a man of few words and many opinions. Still waters run deep. 

 

My dad was raised by a very strong, independent woman. He has two intelligent, formidable sisters. He picked an intellectual, professional woman to marry. He never treated me like a little girl. There was none of that “little girls don’t _________” in our household. He expected me to be able to do anything a boy could do. He didn’t discourage my competitive nature. He encouraged me to pursue my interests, try new things and set goals. He encouraged my curiosity. He instilled the belief that I could do anything or be anything if I set my mind to it and worked for it. I was not an ‘easy’ kid, but I always felt like I was his kid and that he would do anything for me, including beating sense into me as needed.

 

I’ve heard that women marry men like their fathers. I’m gay so that isn’t likely. However, my dad established my expectations of men. Through him I learned what to look for in a man. As a result, I have always had exceptionally good taste and good fortune when it comes to men in my life. I am attracted to brilliant, confident, assertive, strong-willed, open minded men who appreciate and respect intelligent, willful women. One of the advantages to being a lesbian is that I have been able to pick more than one ‘keeper’ and it doesn’t matter if they are married to another woman. As a result, I have been blessed with numerous amazing men in my life.

 

Over the last few years, many of my male friends have become fathers. As a woman, nothing appeals to me more than observing a man enjoying the role of father and spending time with his children. It is touching and endearing. Fatherhood brings out the best in some men.

 

It’s funny how time alters relationships. The arguments with my dad became conversations at some point in my late twenties. By the time I hit 30, I had a keen appreciation for his observations and insight. Now he is one of my favorite people in the world to talk to, because he is intelligent, perceptive, insightful, wry, caustic, direct, undiluted, blunt and, occasionally, harsh. He calls things like he sees them. I appreciate it now in a way that I couldn’t when I was younger. I see what my mother saw in him. He’s a good man, an honest man, a caring man, a responsible man and a hard working man. I am a lucky woman, because he’s my dad and, now that I am an adult, he is also my friend.