Camping with children

October 22, 7:08 PMSalt Lake City Parenting ExaminerRachael Lever

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The bee sting.

Earlier this year we decided to go camping. I used to be a pretty good camper. We used to go down to Moab in November, build a fire, do some mountain biking, visit the arches, all in 40 degree weather, dressed in layers, a dusting of snow on our tents in the morning, It was nothing. I hardly remember being cold.

I think I got old since then, or maybe I just got kids. First of all, packing for six people takes a lot more space and time than packing for one. Secondly, when I was young, I was responsible for only one person, numero uno. If I was cold, so what? If I didn't have fun, nobody cared. I knew how to stay away from the fire, not get lost in the woods, and not eat rocks. Kids don't.

So, in case anyone else out there is thinking about hauling the family out doors for some adventure and bonding time, I have put together here my top ten list of what not to do.

1. If you have children under two, do not, I repeat DO NOT go anywhere that would require you to be in the car longer than two hours. SIX hours is way too long to travel for a one year old and a two year old. They don't like to be strapped into their straight jacket like carseats for that long (You may already know this).

2. Do not go if any one of your children, you, or your spouse has a sniffle, a stomach ache, an eye sore, a sore toe, a canker sore, has sneezed in the last two days, or has any other indication of any sort of illness or malady. Even if you think it's nothing, as soon as you get out of the car it will turn into the worst case scenario, if you know what I mean.

3. Do not let your children wander around in the tall grass peppered with wildflowers. Bees like flowers, and they don't like to be disturbed. Children's faces are just the same height as those beautiful flowers, and most likely about one half hour after you've set up camp, one of the kids will get stung by one of those crazed maniac bees.

4. Take a plastic bag. Mountain roads are curvy, and kids aren't really very conscientious about keeping their heads up, and taking deep breaths and all that other stuff that's supposed to help you from getting carsick. You will need at least one plastic bag for vomit both coming and going. And you might want some air freshener, too, if you want to keep the nausea level low.

5. Don't go camping on the coldest night of the season. 20 degrees really is too cold for anyone under twelve and over 30 (in between you have that blissful numbness that comes from being indestructable and young. Ah, the good old days).

6. Warn anyone that is potty trained about camping toilets. You may end up a little frustrated when your children refuse to even go in the outhouse, let alone sit on that gaping hole of waste and do their business. It's possible with some smooth talking and bribes, but your trip could be cut short in a hurry if you have to haul the family down to the nearest gas station to use the facilities.

7. Don't try to make the freshly groomed and cut schnauzer sleep by herself on a mat. No matter how obedient your dog is, she WILL try to climb in everyone's sleeping bag until she finds someone who will let her stay and get warm.

8. Don't go camping until you've tried it at home, in the back yard where you can go in the house when the baby cries for an hour before he will finally go to sleep on your arm in your sleeping bag sleeping soundly until you try to remove your dead arm and he wakes up crying, again. Babies don't really appreciate you messing with their routine. No matter what you call the fun you have planned, they're not buying it.

9. Don't let them eat roasted marshmallows for breakfast. They'll be sick all day.

10. Don't expect anything to go right, and when something finally does, you will be pleasantly surprised.

If you follow those simple warnings, I guarantee that you will have a better, although perhaps less exciting trip than we had.