Getting needs met

May 25, 10:37 PMSan Antonio Relationship Health ExaminerPaige Stroman

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One thing that most of us suffers from is wanting our partner to be someone different than who they really are.  And then, when they are just themselves, and not living up to our own expectations of who they should be, we're disappointed.  I, too, have been guilty of this.  The way to be truly happy in a relationship is to make sure that the person you're in a relationship with is really who you want to be with - not their "potential," not who we "think" they are - just who they really are. 

In the book, "The Language of Letting Go, " by Melody Beattie, she speaks of acceptance.   "We are asked to accept many things:  ourselves, as we are; our feelings, needs desires, choices and current status of being.  Other people, as they are...Resistance will not move us forward, nor will it eliminate the undesirable...Acceptance is the magic that makes our present circumstances good.  It brings peace and contentment and opens the door to growth, change, and moving forward...Within the framework of acceptance, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves."
 

And that last sentence, my friends, is what I believe the key is to being happy, especially in our relationships.  If we are so busy being wrapped up in what our partner did or didn't do that "made" us so unhappy, then we're overlooking the real questions we should be asking. First we need to ask, is this a need that is more appropriately placed on my own shoulders? A good check-in method that I use is one that I discovered in Al-Anon : HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Do we feel one of the previous ways and if we met this basic need, would we really be upset with our partner? Secondly, we need to ask if what we are asking is who our partner really is.  Look back over the course of the relationship and you'll see if this is an isolated action that was out of character for them.  Or perhaps, you may find, that this action they took or didn't take is completely in character and we just wish they would do something different.  Were they truly being inconsiderate or did they not do something you hoped they would do? If the latter is the case, that is not accepting your partner for he/she is and it's also may be that you're not communicating what you want or expect in any given situation. 

"It is our job to identify our needs, and then determine a balanced way of getting those needs met.  We ultimately expect our Higher Power and the Universe - not one particular person - to be our source.  It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request.  We are responsible for asking for what we want and need.  It's the other person's responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request.  If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that's controlling...Ultimately, we will become angry and resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected. It is reasonable to have certain and well-defined expectations of our spouse, children and friends.  If a personal cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship.  We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.  It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person...The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing thy deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life,"  say Melody Beattie.

Take stock. Is this a need that we ourselves are responsible for?  Is it really appropriate to have this expectation of your partner? Ask yourself, s the person you're with exactly the person you want to be with and not some improved-version in your head?   Look at the history of their actions.  That will tell you exactly who they are.  If you don't like who they are right now, then you've got some serious thinking to do.  Are these traits they want to work on or is it just you who wishes they would be that way? Just remember - we're all responsible for our own needs and of our expectations/needs of how others will behave toward us.  Just be careful to make sure that your expectations match reality. 

Stay tuned for my take on ABC's hit show, "The Bachelorette."  I will be offering commentary weekly on Wednesdays.  If you've never looked at this show from a perspective of what healthy relationships mean, I encourage you to subscribe to my articles so you won't miss out on the fun and enlightenment!

As always, feel free to leave comments and also to email me at AskPaigeS@gmail.com with any thoughts or suggestions. 

Enjoyed this article?  Read my other article on The Recovery Process or read my review of "Ready to Heal," by Kelly McDaniel.