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Obama out of the closet: Yep, I smoke
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Denise Mandeville
Barack Obama will announce this week that he has been unable to kick his cigarette habit and that he will no longer hide the fact from the American people.
"Barack really tried to quit," said Assistant Press Secretary Simon Theodore. "But the pressure of the campaign has raised his stress levels to the point where he really needs to take a drag now and then. So we made the decision to come clean, and hope the voters will appreciate his honesty."
This viewpoint is a bit disingenuous according to an anonymous source, who said the campaign investigated the possibility of equipping the White House with several conveniently located "safe smoking rooms." The idea was to connect them, so Obama could go into one door, have a smoke and exit out an other. The network of rooms would be equipped with breath freshener and little fans to suck the smell out of his suits.
Soon enough, one of the campaign workers was brave enough to point out that the tremendously expensive venture had only two funding sources: Taxes and tobacco companies. The fact that keeping such a thing quiet didn't even enter their minds until we brought it up during an off-the record press briefing.
The biggest reaction is not expected from the voters, but from Michelle Obama. The First Lady in Waiting exacted a non smoking pact from her husband as a condition of her support of his candidacy, which he has apparently broken. This will not result in Barack sleeping on the couch, if history is any indication: Politicians always lie to their wives about their ambitions, and the wives always give in without a peep.
(The exception is the wife of Obama's presumed Secretary of Agriculture Colin Powell, who actually kept the "I won't run" promise he made to his wife.)
In fact, the biggest negative comes from decreased staff morale, as several workers found they were not trustworthy enough to know about the candidate's habit in the first place. "it's torn us apart," Theodore said. "And drawn a line between who's cool and those of us who aren't."
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