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Medical marijuana requirements expanded to include 'I miss the 1960s'
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The myriad ailments that are treatable with medicinal marijuana will expand greatly, as soon as a new policy document from the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) is published later this month, giving a whole new subset of patients an excuse to get high relief for their ailments.
“It’s no surprise that pot can ease the pain for patients with cancer, multiple sclerosis and Parkinson's,” said HHS spokesperson Piper Bogart. “But there are a lot of things like high blood pressure, ADD and depression that it can also treat.”
The new guidelines include real ailments like Restless Leg Syndrome and more undefinable ones such as missing the energy of the 1960s. It has also been suggested as a treatment for Alzheimer's’ although it won't do much for the symptoms themselves. “Alzheimer's’ patients who smoke pot won’t gain back their short term memories but they don’t care as much,” Bogart said.
Supporters of the revised guidelines are relying on increased acceptance of the mind/body connection as a treatment, seeking to relax the mind in order to decrease the symptoms. In other words, if you smoke enough weed you won’t really care about the giant tumor on your nose.
Opponents of the new guidelines say they are just an excuse to justify drug abuse and get around existing laws. Furthermore, the idea of missing the 1960s cannot be proved.
“We think that many people who never liked the sixties will use this as a way to break the law,” said Rep. Tigh Stik (D-HI). "And that people who never even grew their hair long and listened to the Grass Roots instead of Pink Floyd will take advantage.”
Bogart demurs, saying that living history and rich media about the era make it possible for those who were not there to feel--and therefore miss-the spirit of our greatest decade.
“The guidelines are written so even a 14-year-old can take advantage of the exemptions," she said.
This is satire--but some people will say anything in order to do what they want.
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