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'Genetically engineered' iPhone under development

January 8, 8:57 PMSeattle Political Satire ExaminerC. Y. Bermant
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Lining up for the new Mac      (Paramount)

SAN FRANCISCO--Apple surprised the industry on Friday morning with an announcement about a research agreement that will eventually lead to a genetically engineered iPhone.

Steve Jobs, who had previously said he would skip this year's MacWorld trade show surprised attendees with a short, spirited speech.

"This will change the world," he said. “Making the iPhone part of your body is the way we will  shape the future.”

The technical details were supplied by Jobs' new partner, Swedish entrepreneur and former tennis star Bjorn Borg. This bored most people to tears, as the combination of technical minutiae and Borg's accent made it pretty much incomprehensible.

The merger between Apple and Borg LLC will be completed this year. The first products, wireless earrings and lip studs that transmit sound and speech, are due to be introduced at next year's Consumer Electronics Show (CES) in Las Vegas.

After the studs, the company is expected to introduce a "membrane" phone that will stick to the arm and connect wirelessly with other control modules. As circuitry evolves, the desktop Mac will shrink to fit into the membrane and the keyboard will disappear to be controlled by "thought power. " For example, customers could download an album or a movie just by visualizing words like "Paul Simon" or "Paul Newman."

For his part, Jobs is pumped about creating his next product, an insanely great new human being.

"Bodies are so last century," he said. "Apple will improve them and turn people into fantastic machines. When Gates talked about "information at your fingertips" he didn't have the first clue.”

 

This is satire. But consumers who swore they would never buy Apple products have found that resistance is futile. 

 

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