Royalties due for Guantanamo torture music

October 22, 9:20 AMSeattle Political Satire ExaminerC. Y. Bermant

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Several prominient muscians have filed a freedom of information act request to determine which songs were used to torture Guantanamo Bay detainees with through the use of volume, repetition and a series of political advertisements from the 2008 presidential campaign.

High-cred performers like Tom Morello and Roseanne Cash have called for a cessasion of the music torture practice in general and the use of their own music in particular. Beyond this, an activist corporation has been formed for less altruisitic reasons.

"It turns out that torture music was burned to CDs from music downloaded by illegal services such as Limewire," said Paula Abdul, the new spokesperson for Musicians to Recover our Stolen Royalties (MURK). "The CDs were then played over multiple locations. So we are due to recover substaintial amounts of both sales and  broadcast royalties."

Abdul, whose own albums were a major annoyance for people raising children in the 1990s. said the group was due "at least millions." When asked why the MURK acronym didn't reflect its actual name, she cited "poetic license."

While Abdul is MURK's public voice, it has a board of directors that includes equal opportunity annoyers Barry Manilow and Ozzie Osbourne. Of the millions it expects to recover, much will be allocated to the so-called "one hit wonders" who are now living in poverty and are limited to torturing their own families.

One of the largest portions of the recovered royalties will actually be allocated to U2 and its flashy lead singer, Paul "Bono" Hewson.

"Everyone pretends to like U2." Abdul said. "But you would be surprised how many people really hate their smug sense of superiority and noodling guitar. And does all their music sound the same, or what?"

Hewson said yesterday he was aware of the royalty recovery effort, and that he intended to keep any money that results from the action.

This is satire. But we all have our own idea about what "annoying" is. For instance, I think the BeeGees are brilliant, and you can't make me say otherwise.