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5 Work Life lessons through the lens of Hospice
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As a Hospice volunteer, I've had some of the most heart-warming and eye-opening moments of my life. As November is National Home Care and National Hospice Month, I'm reflecting on the many people who have touched my life, and in fact, impacted my career over the last few years. And it's worth mentioning that when you're down in the dumps, volunteering and doing service is the quickest way to get out of your inner worries.
Whether you're taking care of a family member at home, or visiting a relative in a nursing home or hospital - it's smart to prepare for your work life scenario to go through some changes. Striking the perfect balance between taking care of a loved one and taking care of business is a courageous quest which can be extremely frustrating. One of the greatest concerns as a caregiver is that you're not doing enough. Right behind that, is how your work life merge is turning upside down in order to accomplish everything you need to do at home and in the workplace. Finally, and this might sound odd - from an egotistical standpoint you can become attached to the outcome of a perfect and peaceful death for your patient or family member.
About a year ago, I had the pleasure of volunteering with an incredible man who had been a beloved chief in the New York City Fire Department. I'll call him John. A tough cookie, he would rarely show a sensitive side. I spent nearly a year visiting him as much as I could. But it was starting to cut into my work load. Even after a 12 hour day in news - I would feel compelled to rush to the nursing home. But in the days prior to his passing I had a business trip that was taking me out of the country. I agonized about this to the point of working full days and spending an inordinate amount of time at the nursing home with John. My work suffered. I wanted to be there when he passed and he knew that.
John's wife remained by his side, and in his final days his daughter finally came to visit after being estranged for sometime. It's funny how death brings people together, even as it pulls people apart. The evening before leaving on business, I went to see John at 9 o'clock which is rather late but I knew I had to see him. Part of me wanted to cancel my trip, as I became totally attached to this elderly gentleman. Somehow, John knew this. As I left for home that night, he was completely alert but could barely speak.He pulled me in close, and grabbed my hand with the tight grip of the fireman he was, and formed lips as if to give a kiss. For the first time he had a tear in his eye, a smile on his face and a serene look.
"I'll see you again John," I said fighting back tears. He nodded and his wife said he'd want me to go on my business trip. That was the way he was in life - and that wasn't going to change in death. All of my patients have taught me so much about the divinity, and emotional turmoil of the dying process for family members. But moreso, they've taught me more about how to live a full life.
Here are 5 lessons I've learned on the work life merge.
- Drink as you pour. If you're caring for a family member or volunteering especially during the holiday season, you won't be any good to anyone else, unless you're taking care of your immediate needs. That means plenty of sleep, taking breaks at work, or whatever helps you sustain your health and energy levels.
- Don't be attached to outcome. Often we become attached to how we believe a family member should be handling their lives - especially in death. It comes from a good place within us - but there are many components when a human being is entering their dying process. It's extremely personal. Offer suggestions - but rid yourself of any attachments of how YOU think things should be handled.
- View work as a temporary distraction. Try to focus on work when you're at work. It's difficult, but try to relinquish guilt about not being with your loved one or patient 24/7. It's easy to carry the pain of the personal into the workplace, but it makes you less effective. Perhaps there is someone at work you can have a conversation with. But limit discussions to a particular time period in the day if possible.
- Don't take thing personally. When we're going through a family crisis, we simply become more sensitive about everything, and that is bound to follow you into the workplace. All our personal triggers are on fire at all times. Don't shoot from the hip.
- Listen before you enter into conflict. You must always be an advocate for your family member or patient. I can't repeat this enough. Ask any and all questions. But when engaging a caregiver who is attending to your loved one, keep in mind that this relationship is crucial. Ask questions, but don't be quick to point out the negative until you know exactly what's going on.
If you're involved with caring for a family member or interested in being a Hospice volunteer check these links out:
Hospice Foundation of America You'll find links to help you find a Hospice near you, or information on becoming a volunteer.
Home Care Association of New York State This is a link that will bring you to a number of consumer resources.
New York State Association of Health Care Providers If you're on Long Island on November 5th, the Long Island Chapter is holding its annual luncheon to honor caregivers from across the state who have extraordinary stories to tell. It's taking place at the Crest Hollow Country Club in Woodbury.I hope to join you there!
