Welcome to DC Kal Penn

April 8, 2:09 PMDC Transportation ExaminerKatherine M. Hill

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To: Kal Pen, new liaison
From: Katherine M. Hill, cubicle girl in DC suburbs

Kal! Welcome to DC! You have no idea how excited we are to have you here, most of all, me. I think you're swell, and though I deeply envy your job, I trust you'll do a great job, because it sounds like your heart is really in it. Ultimately, that's what really matters.

I want to talk to you about your new home. Surely you've been here before. Probably several times, in fact, probably enough to know you'll really like it here. I want you to like it here, and everyone else does too, so here are some points I want to make like the know-it-all who has spent far too much time living in the area:

• Rely on public transportation over a car. Too many Capital Hill schmoes are using a car service. I'll be honest: we don't look at those people as one of Us. They're temporary guests, who don't get DC. If you want to get around the city efficiently, see the city, know the city, take Metrorail, Metrobus, and the Circulator. DC residents will largely ignore you in the same way a New Yorker would. Most of us can't be bothered, which is a little charming, albeit a bit standoffish. It off sets how polite we are. Consider it our personal checks and balances. You can get to your new office taking the Red, Orange, and Blue lines (see more here) and several buses. Tuck a map into your pocket, load it onto your iPod, and let yourself loose in the city.
• You won't want to really drive once you settle in anyway. The traffic here is the worst in the nation. Unlike LA, the public transit will get you somewhere. Sometimes there's a lag in the wait time, but it's not as dramatic as Los Angeles.
• Usually the doors won't close on you. Sometimes the buses break down, as buses are wont to do. The buses have bike racks, but the Metro doesn't. Metro can be weird about having bikes on the rails. Some of the elevators are bike friendly and take you to a separate, more bike friendly entrance/exit.
• SmartBike is a great bike share program. It will expand later this year and has kiosks across the city.
• You can get to all of the sports stadiums (soccer, basketball, hockey, baseball) by Metrorail and Metrobus. Circulator reaches most of the stadiums too.
• Adams Morgan is walkable, but not close to Metro. If you drink or choose to live there, at least take advantage of the peanut sauce and fries at Amsterdam Falafel.
• Don't live in Georgetown. Right now the CW is plotting a way to rope you into a second season of it's "docu series" Blonde Charity Mafia. (They say everyone wants to be at their parties, but I don't know anyone who has heard of the esteemed ladies, and do you really want to be in the background of that?) You can't commute from Georgetown. (You can walk.) It's easy to see its appeal, and harder to see its downsides, but it's sort of fake. Consider Dupont Circle (DCist agrees) or the "up and coming" Columbia Heights (the gentrification freaks me out, but there's a Target, several Metrorail connections). If I were moving into the city, I'd look at Columbia Heights and the U Street neighborhood. Those are, in fact, the only neighborhoods that I'd consider right now (I certainly can't afford Takoma or Dupont Circle). Takoma is neighborhoody in an Oregon sort of way, but they can be closed to outsiders. Choose wisely.
• Read City Paper. (I'm biased, given that I list my dream job as "editing for an alternative newsweekly" and having interned for one.) The paper comes out every Thursday, is free, has boxes all over the city, and uses a refreshing brand of snark when it takes a hard look at city issues. RSS the blogs, and use the Best of DC to narrow down your vast options for food and entertainment. (Personally, I think the best tacos are Taqueria Nacionale, in the Hall of States near Union Station on the Red Line.) DC has two papers, and you'll surely read The Washington Post, but it's good to have a second critical approach.
• Get to know Baltimore on the weekends, and the weekday evenings. Charm City lives in its own bubble, seemingly isolated from the world, allowing its theatre and music scene to exist in a completely unique way. Slip into the Ottobar, Talking Head, Sonar, Single Carrot Theatre, Creative Alliance at the Patterson, see Mullyman, Rye Rye, Trixie Little, Stoop Stories, Wye Oak, Wham City, Artscape, Whartscape, and the High Zero Festival. Don't bother with Angels Rock Bar. See Lexington Market (you can get there on the bus, light rail, subway, or by car if you want to park in the deck next door and try the cookies at Berger's, and don't get them at the grocery store), the Walters, the BMA, tour Hampden, Federal Hill, Fells Point, Seton Hill, and Remington. Order a sandwich with extra hots, get half and half (not an Arnold Palmer) for your drink. It's okay to wait for the musicians to play the Hirshhorn after hours, but not okay to call the city southern. (The rest of DC will not agree, but trust me.) You don't have to like Baltimore, but there's a weird rivalry between the cities, and you could really miss out if you don't give the Greatest City in America a fair chance. You can get there taking MARC or Amtrak, though hours are limited.
• MARC and Amtrak will take you everywhere else too, and Union Station is a popular way to get to New York. There are also a ton of buses going to and from New York, with the cheapest in Chinatown.

If you leave the position in four years to make a threequel to Harold and Kumar, there's no hard feelings from me. Presumably you'll do this as another political commentary, however, so here's hoping you won't have to, since your brought me such joy during Bush's reign of terror.

We look forward to getting to know you. Have fun!

Sincerely,
Katherine