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iPods can kill!
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Another pedestrian who can't read
and listen at same time...
Photo courtesy kokogiak
via FlickerCC license
FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, DATELINE 10/03/2008
EU tells music lovers to turn down MP3 players
"BRUSSELS, Belgium (AP) — The European Union told music lovers Monday to turn down the volume of MP3 players, saying they risk permanent hearing loss from listening too long at maximum levels.
EU scientists reported that between 2.5 million and 10 million Europeans could suffer hearing loss from listening to MP3 players at unsafe volumes — over 89 decibels — for more than an hour daily for at least five years.
…Apple was forced to pull its iPod player from store shelves in France and upgrade software on the device to limit sound to 100 decibels."
After a trip to Home Depot, I was walking on East 23rd street carrying three six-foot long pine boards under my arm. I’m a big guy, so the boards were not a physical strain, but maneuvering around other pedestrians was trickier. Everything went well until a young man, entranced by his cell phone conversation and walking perpendicularly to me and all the other pedestrians, slammed into my boards. The gruesome result recalled any number of slapstick comedies, none particularly funny to watch and even less fun to experience firsthand.
I never aspired to fame as a Fourth Stooge, but pedestrian life in Manhattan is a long encounter with the unexpected gifts of life. Thanks to Steve Jobs and his fellow nano-wizards, I live on an island of plugged-in iCritters who are unaware of reality, common sense or ordinary manners.
I’ve compiled a list of iCritter terminology to help guide you through the oblivious symphonies of Manhattan sidewalks.
- iTwit: the most common of iCritters. The iTwit talks too loudly on the cellphone, blasts his iPod too loudly or sings along to hellspawn like Billy Rae Cyrus. Relatively harmless but capable of maturing into an…
- iZombie: the electronically overinvolved pedestrian unaware of the existence of the rest of the human race and a frequent cause of pedestrian gridlock, the iZombie is prone to standing still at busy crosswalks and at the bottom of crowded subway steps. The cure? A stake through the heart seems harsh, but it would be effective. Cursing under your breath is more rational and entirely acceptable.
- iLambada: the forbidden dance – accompanied by iPod. Frequently seen on the subway during morning rush hour, the time being a possible indicator of early-morning inebriation or overcaffeination. The iLambada involves some wriggling of hips, nodding of head, and fey hand gestures. Can be the cause of amusement to fellow passengers, particularly ones seated with buttock view. Has been known to lead to…
- iScores: a full out iLambada involving theoretically erotic movement using a vertical subway support. Okay, it’s a pole dance. Victims of this particular electrodemonic possession are probably listening to Madonna, Goldfrapp or the Scissor Sisters on their iPod. If you see an iScores, share it with your friends and coworkers; sightings are rare, cherishable, and a gift that keeps on giving.
- iTourettes: Usually found gabbing on the phone while pacing in erratic circles on outdoor subway platforms, the iTouretter is unaware that he is not at home or in the office. If you are concerned about this particular iSyndrome, contact the MTA and suggest they supply their customers with on-platform putting machines – it’s the perfect short-attention span activity for the iTouretter, a possible moneymaker for the MTA, and it will keep pedestrian walkways free of danger.
- iBolter: An iZombie who’s just received latebreaking news on his cellphone and feels the need to suddenly reverse direction. The iBolt involves a full stop and a sharp turn into oncoming pedestrian traffic. It’s particularly dangerous on staircases. Maybe sidewalks need a iLane for this maneuver? The iBolter is close cousin to the…
- iDawdler: the iZombie who suddenly slows pace, either because of important information received electronically or because his playlist just changed from say, Rihanna to Seals & Croft. If on a cellphone, the iDawdler is likely to yell out “Where are you? I’m right in front of Virgin!” to the iDawdler on the other end of the line.
- iDisco: Mass gathering of people, all listening to their own iPods and dancing “together” in a public space. Charming if spastic fun, but I wonder how the iDiscoers find mates. Does it involve searching for someone with a similar rhythm regardless of playlist? What happens if two iDiscoers are grooving together and their playlist go out of rhythm? Do they communicate by eye or hand signals? These important questions are worthy of scientific observation by an NYU grad student with a research grant. The iDiscoer either lives or would like to live in Williamsburg or Greenpoint, does not own an iron or a comb, and vaporizes at the age of 30.
- iPoppins: Most feared and dreadful of all, this iZombie carries an open umbrella on a crowded sidewalk. It’s funny until someone gets their eye poked out.
- iSiamese: Two people sharing one set of buds to listen to an iPod. Why did scientists bother to invent stereo?
- iGekko: My personal pet peeve, the iGekko is that guy in the locker room having a loud conversation about multi-million dollar deals of some sort or another. Highly unlikely to be involved in any such deal. Might be faking the call to impress other iGekkoers. Will disappear with a loud pop if you yell “Greed is good!” three times in a row. The current stock market tumult is the cause of all those slightly depressed guys you see. They’re deprived iGekkoers.
- iOvershare: Self explanatory. The rest of the world now knows about your drinking problem, your “friend” with VD, and your mother’s latest escapade at the dog pound. We are appropriately grateful. Easily the most common of iCrimes.
- iBoozer: the slightly or more than slightly drunk smoker/cellphone user outside of a bar. Yet another unintended consequence of the ban on cigarette smoking.
Some technical terms to help you describe the ever-evolving parade of iCritters.
- iSqueak: the amplified voice from a cellphone that is audible to bystanders.
- iBuzz: the electronic crackle from an iPod that is audible to bystanders. The highest and lowest frequencies are usually what others hear, so bystanders get the gravy but not the meat.
- iHive: two or more iBuzzers in proximity constitute an iHive. Occurs frequently on the subway. iHive discordance can cause severe headaches.
- iDazzle: a cellphone or iPod decorated with rhinestones, stickers (hopefully Hello Kitty!) or graffiti applied with nail polish. Proof that no one ever lost money underestimating the accessorizing mania of the average 14 year old girl.
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