Another "eventful" day with the kids home for the summer

June 27, 11:50 AMNewark Suburban Community ExaminerRobin Holleran

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Another note from my good friend:

I have had nothing in particular to do for nearly 60 minutes and it is driving me nuts…..I could be and should be cleaning up the mess all around here, but it is more fun to peel off remnants of old wall paper. Destruction is addicting. I will take a break and annoy you with my perseverating on the Adventures of Chris.

Your suggestion of a less damaging pursuit for Chris was to have him work outside so…

When I returned home yesterday, jubilant that the cleaning week from hell had passed, Chris and I dug a trench leading down to the neighbor’s yard. The drain pipe had clogged with mud, dead salamanders, and leaves over the years, thus plugging a very useful tool in property management. I wanted the water to sheet off into my neighbor’s yard and not run back up into the gutters and into my garage as it had been. My garage could easily be turned into an aquarium of sorts if I would only replace the garage door with something less opaque, like a sheet of plexiglass.

First we need to denude and destroy a shrub for clear unobstructed trenching and we did. All the while he was poking me with the branches and wielding the hedge clippers like Edward Scissor Hands on speed. I no longer am in need of a haircut.

I left him for a mere 15 minutes to set the hose down the gutter to see if the water would, in fact, run unobstructed down the gutters and out the drain pipe 50 yards away and sail on, sail on into the neighbor’s yard. Houston we have a “go” he called. I assumed that it meant the water was running. When I cleared all gutters by moving the hose all around the appropriate starting points, I came back to a trench reshaped and full of beautiful muddy water.

The drain pipe now led into something that I had no part in. It led into a large phallic looking hole in the ground; surrounding the revised trench were huge round looking testicle things……the invisible fence wire was exposed and it looks like we need an electrical revision. Copper showing through the plastic encasing is not good for outdoor use, right?

There is now a large silly looking penis with a constant flow of dirty water pointing into my neighbor’s yard…..

The human wrecking ball went to Mike’s for a sleep over last night. I did not warn them to keep him away from unwanted tools, I just dropped him off. I feel so guilty.

I went to sleep in 3 seconds knowing that a new day, when he returns, will only bring yet more summer time fun.

When he gets to be your son’s age, will he sit down and regale the near misses of young adulthood? Will he forewarn Chris to make good choices, so he can go to college with that brain of his, or will your son be spellbound with Chris’s stories of mass destruction? All the warnings forgotten for just one more story, larger than the last, of how he pranked his way through high school and right straight to the pokey.

When I am buried, do not let him near my grave as I do not want to rest forever under the weight of a large phallic symbol surrounded only by testicles.