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Johnny Depp says it's always been his policy to take "from the rich," and thathe's been "taking from the rich... for 25 years." In fact, every morning... Johnny kipes $50,000 from his dresser drawer and shoves it down his pants.
Nearly eight months after Election Day, former comedian Al Franken is on the road to being certified as the next United States senator from Minnesota. That sound you may have just heard was Bill O'Reilly's brain exploding. That's why it wasn't a very loud sound. No brains; No loud explosions...
A violent coup in Honduras has the legitimate president now living in exile in Costa Rica. At least the President of Honduras has a better excuse for being in Costa Rica then the Governor of South Carolina had for being in Argentina.
A U.S. Airways flight bound for Los Angeles was forced to land in Albuquerque Tuesday night after a passenger stripped naked and refused to get dressed. Patrick Kennedy, get some help...
A man in Oregon drove his car up and down a secluded beach slaughtering dozens of protected seabirds. Dick Cheney... get some help.
A bank-robber in Oregon is being dubbed the "Benjamin's Bandit" because when he robs a bank he only accepts 100-dollar bills. Yup, 20 dollars worth of crack doesn't go as far as it used to. In a related story, in West Hollywood, a bank-robber is being called the "Elton John Bandit" because he only accepts bags of cash that include an exploding lavender dye pack.
The ruling Ayatollahs in Iran are accusing the BBC of conducting an "all out war" against the Islamic Republic. Apparently the Supreme Leader feels that the most dangerous threat to the existence of his authority is the "Graham Norton Show" and three-day marathons of "Fawlty Towers."
The Republican Party's latest rising star and threat to challenge Barack Obama for the White House in 2012 is Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour. Interestingly, according to the USA Today, the U.S. state with the lowest amount of Internet access is Mississippi. Mississippi also traditionally ranks in the bottom percentile of U.S. states in poverty rates and education. So by all means, Republicans, let's turn over the country to Haley Barbour, so the entire nation can be as backwards as Mississippi. Yess Whee Kan!
A economic story headline this week in the USA Today read, "Downturn Puts Amish in Bind." Geez, I didn't think Amish were into bindage. Kinky!
The USA Today story about the economy said that Amish families who work in their communities in non-farming jobs like stores and factories are really feeling the pinch of the recession, and they're struggling to tighten their belts. How do Amish people tighten their belts? First off, those old-fashioned belts with the big buckles are very hard to tighten. And it's almost impossible for Amish people to conserve any more than they're already doing. Do you cut back on hair bonnets? Do you put the horses on Carrot Helper? Start pulling the cart yourself?
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