The "Writer's Widower" is my own phrase for the spouse or significant other of a writer. There are special concerns with partners of writers. When my husband, Kenneth, suggested I write about living with a writer and how it impacts a relationship, family, and friends, I jokingly replied, "Why don't you write it?"
Well, write it he did. At first, I was a little worried about what he might write (I never said living with me would be easy). But I needn't have worried. So here it is, Kenneth's personal advice for those significant others who struggle daily with living with a writer. Kenneth has offered to contribute to my columns periodically on the life and times of "A Writer's Widower".
Bio: Kenneth is married to the Fort Worth Writing Examiner, Pat Hauldren. Kenneth is a professional software developer for a Dallas area for 25 years and has been married for 20 years. Both he and Pat are in their 50’s and live in Grand Prairie, Texas, with a myriad of grandchildren, dogs, and cats. Kenneth felt it important for spouses of writers to understand what it means to be married (or significant-othered) to a writer.
Your spouse has just uttered those faithful words... "I want to be a writer".
What does it mean?
How should you react?
How will it affect your life?
First, what does it mean?
It means your spouse is a creative person looking for an outlet. It could mean a flight of fancy or a serious endeavor. They have thoughts and ideas they cannot wait to share with you and the world through the magic of writing.
How should you react?
That depends on your relationship and your personality but "That is great!" comes to mind right away. A big smile and even bigger hug will go a long way also.
How will it affect your life? 
Some writers minimize the impact his or her new goal has on their life by getting up an hour early to scribble down thoughts going thru their head, edit last night’s work, or start something totally new.
Others treat it like a job. Setting word count and pages written as goals to be met each day. Scheduling a set number of days to devote to rewrites, setting deadlines, keeping track of expenses. All to manage their time spent writing.
At the minimum, it means time spent apart, either in another room, or just at a desk in the same room. A writer needs time and space to work, to hone his or her craft, and to complete objectives--time spent alone in thought and writing furiously to get all of the ideas down on paper.
If your spouse has a full time job, then writing can become a part time job and can intrude on your life. Less time for your spouse to do those things you are accustom to them doing. Shopping, house work, cooking, time with friends and family, yard work, and house maintenance at times will take second place to writing. And less time spent with you.
Do not think since your spouse is spending time apart writing, or reading, that they are being lazy or ignoring you. Writing takes a lot of work, skill, concentration, and dedication.
How it affects your life has depends on you, your spouse, and your relationship. Work with your spouse to set expectations and goals for each of you. Define new roles if necessary.
Just because your spouse is not a bestselling author, yet, does not mean her dedication is any less. The excitement in her voice, the look on her face when she publishes her first article, or poem, or novel, is worth everything it took to get there.
Comments
Nice reflection. I especially like the section on how it affects you. It helps me to think about how my family is impacted by my writing. May I suggest that you also include the concept of Being a Good Listener and Reader. Every writer will want you to listen to them read their work, or have you read it yourself. Sometimes a quick, "Good." means nothing. Give yourself time to reflect on it before your respond in a more specific way. What word or line sticks out? Talk about that. KUDOS on your article! Your next article can be about your fears that your partner will write ABOUT you!
Just as a diversion, you may also want to read MY poetry! HA!
www.phawkenson.edublogs.org
Find something, a word or a line, and comment on that! It would be appreciated.
I love this! Nice job,Kenneth. I think my husband, a writer's widower for over twenty years would agree with everything you said. I think what I liked most was that you didn't take a negative route, which would be so easy to do when you're "abandoned", as we know you spouses sometimes are, but rather you looked at it from a true partner's point of view. It may be taking away from you, but you also realize it's a gift you're giving your spouse. Writing IS hard work, and time and dedication - and very difficult when also holding down a full time job, but your support can make it so rewarding. Your wife is very lucky. (I am, too... I'm sure my husband will be happy to tell you that. lol)
I'm going to share this :-) "thanks" to you and your understanding hubby
Ken, it sounds as if you know what it takes to understand and nourish a writer. Your spouse is lucky to have you encourage and understand her.
Carolyn Williamson
Author of There IS Life After Lettuce
and several novels awaiting editors' review
Also member of DFW Writer's Workshop, sponsor
of an awesome writer's conference with 10 agents
on April 11, 2010
Hey Ken, good article and fun to read. Finding a good balance between spending time together and a (writing) job needs commitment from both, and I think you and Pat do a great job together on that!
Very enjoyable, Ken and Alley. It says a lot about you. My husband is a musician so he understands the need for a creative outlet, though in an entirely (more expensive) way. Do you really nice 5 amps and 9 guitars?
I'll have my husband read this! He's come to know that when I'm writing, I get even less done than usual (which isn't a lot to begin with). I may spend 14 hours in ratty sweats, hair unbrushed, on the futon in the spare room with the laptop... and it is work, not play! He's very supportive, though I know sometimes it's trying for him.
Pat is very lucky to have you for a husband.
I am very proud to have you for my Son
Love Dad
What a sweetheart you are! It's so great that you can enjoy Pat's progress and successes. Your understanding that setbacks are temporary shows the faith you have in her ability. Great insights, Ken.--And a good article too.
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