One of the most "hands off" subjects I've found, has to do with three people getting together and deciding to throw sexual cautions to the wind. Yes, I'm talking about "threesomes" and couples. Go ahead, blush, it's more prevalent than you think.
Throw off the clothes, guzzle down the hard alcohol and grease up, it's time to get busy! But wait, you mean there's a such thing as irresponsible responsibility? What's the fun in that?
I have a hypothesis on this subject: perhaps the natural imbalance of men and women causes "threesomes" to be one of the most taboo aspects of sex. I'll explain. For men, they love the idea of having two, naked, attractive women pleasuring him to higher heights. Now, ask them if they would be totally okay replacing the additional female with a male [for his woman]. The reply I've received from 95% out of 100% men polled is a similar response that vehemently declared: "I'm not gay, so there would be no benefit for me." That's the imbalance. In this same group of men polled, they indicate that it is not wrong to have another woman, because they just want to share that experience with the woman he loves; it's perfectly natural.
So let me get this correct: it's great when a man can have two women, but when he has to accommodate his woman, it's gay. I'm glad I can clarify it publicly. There are so many things I could say there, but I'll get to other thoughts.
This subject has been yet another bane in the existence of love for me, and I implore couples to consider the pros and cons of threesomes. And unless you're three total [adult] strangers, who met in the club and want to have a memorable adventure, DON'T BOTHER!
When you decide to be a monogamous pair who are in love and trying to peacefully coexist, you have no business playing "booty roulette with your relationship." Couples who venture on the dark side of this path have suffered casualties that are irreversible. Here are just a few reasons why threesomes with couples are taboo:
- Once you go through with it, you can't undo it. The aftermath could cause problems in your relationship that are difficult to overcome.
- You should have had that type of fun while you were still single.
- You run the risk of bringing an emotionally attached woman (or man) into your relationship, who won't understand "it was just one night."
- Your mate could fall for that person and begin a separate relationship where your presence is no longer requested (or wanted).
- One or both of you could contract a nasty virus, bacteria, or disease because the person you decide to have sex with isn't safe.
- Oh, lest I forget, you could just flat out run into a crazy person, who have no problem wreaking havoc upon your very lives.
Other than that, you should be fine.
Comments
Wow, you really should preface this article with something like: For those of you trapped in socially approved monogamous relationships which include jealousy, ownership, and other outdated beliefs.
As for your reasons that threesomes are taboo. . . ridiculous. The problems you mention can be addressed as follows:
COMMUNICATION!
With your mate, with the potential 3rd, about disease, expectations, rules, and to determine the mental state of the proposed 3rd.
I agree however that most men feel a threesome with two women is okay while a threesome with two men isn’t. That’s a belief based on outdated societal expectations and nothing more.
As someone who lives a polyamorous lifestyle I can tell you without reservation that the views you express are based on a narrow monogamous view of relationships. There are plenty of people out there happily having threesomes while living in committed relationships. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Wow - you are the reason our society is so jacked up in so many ways! The implications of your lifestyle has a devastating ripple effect. Your thinking and belief system is a danger to us all!
My previous comments were directed to Doc!
JoJo,
Thanks for the well thought out, researched, and succinctly stated response. I've never thought of those things before, I will have to change my life now! Hallelujah, I am saved, praise The Lord!
Oh, and thanks for reminding me why some people should be forcibly sterilized.
Hi Doc. When writing, I realize that everyone's not the same. Opinions vary based upon several factors. For the most part, people don't live a polyamorous lifestyle, nor have they ever had the 3's experience. Hey, whatever blows your hair back, go for it!
One is only "trapped" when they are not happy with who they have. "Socially approved" means nothing to me; I don't care what people think. You're correct, in that many relationships are based on jealousy, ownership, blah, blah, blah. And yes, "sharing" IS a taboo subject for most couples. Too often I've seen the aftermath of those situations. Some can handle it, some cannot.
Determining the mental state of a 3rd person is a hit or miss. Someone can seem perfectly normal for the short term and totally wig out, without warning.
I'm interested to know if you've always had the proclivity to share communal "relations", to include the person you're committed to. Typically, people don't like to feel replaced, even for one night.
Hi JoJo,
Thank you for your comment on this subject. It's a matter of preference for me. I don't feel as though anything is wrong with monogamy; in fact I prefer it. As one who's walked on the wild side of life and didn't stay there, I don't want all the issues associated with "sharing."
There are many people who "swing" and they love it! Some people are able to enjoy sharing the person they're with, without reservation. As I'm sure you'll agree, most of us would rather focus on the more important aspects of life.
As I mentioned in my other comment, I've seen what this has done to completely unsuspecting couples and it's rarely been a positive result.
I certainly don't point a finger at people who are happy with enjoying life that way. It just doesn't work for me, and I can pretty well guess that you feel the same. Besides, this Country has more to worry about than wild sex and opposing opinions. Thanks again.
KJ,
You mention knowing everyone is not the same but your writing seems to include unquantified broad sweeping generalizations such as ‘For the most part’ or ‘for most couples’, which is why I wrote back to you so strongly.
There are a surprising number of people living both poly and swing lifestyles that do not ‘out’ themselves in casual conversation such as at work or with some friends. The stigma, discrimination and judgment levied when they do causes them to present a mono lifestyle most of the time making it difficult to acquire statistics. Being involved as I am in the poly community, I think you would be surprised at the numbers.
Regarding the ‘aftermath’; some people should be mono, some should not. No argument there.
Continued: Regarding the ‘aftermath’; some people should be mono, some should not. No argument there.
Regarding the ‘mental state’ of a 3rd person; I still find your focus there ridiculous. You could have the same issue as a mono person finding another mono person to date, talking to a co-worker, or even dealing with a family member. It is absolutely not unique to a threesome situation, it is a people situation.
This conversation has focused on sex but actually my poly lifestyle is about sharing love, which may or may not include a physical relationship. Never do I assume I will physically share my partners’ partner(s), nor they mine. Although threesomes have resulted, sex is not the focus at all. And in that situation I would be sharing ‘relations’ with the people I’m committed to, not the ‘person’ I’m committed to, as I’m committed to all of my loves. Commitment is not the same as sex.
As for being or feeling ‘replaced’, once again review the definition of ‘compersion'.
Hi Doc,
It took me a long time to feel comfortable to bring up this subject to the audience at large; I'm glad I did. To address your statement that said I use "unquantified broad sweeping generalizations," perhaps that's correct on some occasions. Bear in mind that I write a Women's relationship column, not a "Human Sexuality" piece. Besides, "Scientific American" magazine reported 8/7/09 that monogamy rates have skyrocketed since the 1970s (among gay, lesbian and male / female couples). Studies show that 85-90% of married women and 75-80% of married men are monogamous (New World Encyclopedia)in their relationships. Therefore, I'm confident using some level of generalization when referring to women and men in monogamous and single relationships. I also don't write about lesbian or homosexual couples, because that's not my area of focus. I don't know much about "polyamory," so I'm not sure what to say there. Although I have read the definition of compersion; consider me informed.
Loving many people at once and keeping them all close is an interesting concept. It is conceivable that one can totally eliminate emotions such as envy, jealousy, bitterness and anger. Thanks for letting me in on this new concept and for sharing your feelings.
In reference to what Doc say says, the truth doesn't change because you disagree!! Truth will always be the same.
KJ,
Thanks for posting your sources :) That does a lot to give generalizations some merit.
Thanks also for the topic. I submitted the idea of a poly column with Examiner and we couldn't come to an agreement. (Privacy and security concerns). But I believe it would be fairly popular.
If you are interested in learning more there are some good poly support groups in the area that only require an open mind, not committment to the poly lifestyle.
Phillip, with due consideration to perspective I agree completely.
I can say this that I was in love with the idea of it all. Until one night it actually happened. To make a long story short, there was a lot of fear and resentment between my wife, myself and person number 3. I regret what I allowed to happen. The wife and I are still together and going on ten years of marriage. It definitely was not worth a repeat performance.
first of all I would like to state that Karen's article is just like a "State Department" decleration on threesome relations.
Any relation can face any problem any time, it doesn't matter 3 some or 2 some, and we shouldn't see marriage any more as a property issue.
If Partners desire threesome relation then choosing 3th person shouldn't be main topic of the subject.
We are married couple and we enjoy threesome relations with our friends and we all know each other very well.
to set up a threesome relation takes time and serious matter. No one is jumping into your bed and you like it with loved ones.
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