Imago Relationship Therapy: my partner my therapist

Imago relationship therapy is based on the premise that your significant other holds the key to healing your childhood wounds. Just like the old saying about a man marrying his mother, Imago works on the hypothesis that people unconsciously find themselves drawn to someone who most resembles their primary caregivers in an attempt to get needs met once and for all. This concept is not new in therapeutic circles but what distinguishes Imago is that its the couple themselves who are their own counselors instead of the therapist. An Imago therapist is more the facilitator between two people rather them advising them what to do next.

Imago was created by Harville Hendrix, PhD who authored "Getting The Love You Want." Dr. Hendrix is also the co-founder with his own partner Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD of Imago Relationships International, a global nonprofit learning and training center for Imago therapy. The theory of Imago itself is a combination of clinical psychology and pair bonding observations. In the past two decades of its existence, Imago has been called "the art of conscious loving". In simple terms, two people meet, fall in love, have a honeymoon period, then the conflicts arise, emotional distance happens, and they fall out of love. Imago suggests it doesn't have to be that way even when the relationship struggles begin. If a couple is aware what is actually going on they can choose to react differently to resolve conflict and build lasting intimacy. This is achieved through the Imago Dialogue process.

For example, if I am in love with someone because on some level they are similar enough to my primary caregiver who was often too busy and physically away, their frequent absences at work could trigger a negative cycle of passive-aggressive blame. At this point I could choose to withdraw, find someone else, or engage in the Imago Dialogue. The Imago website describes the Imago Dialogue as "a simple, respectful and effective way to talk with your partner about the things that really matter. In Imago, there’s no blame, shame or criticism. Instead, a stronger connection comes through attentive hearing and being deeply heard in an emotionally safe environment. Then surprising answers to age-old conflicts can emerge." Some examples of how to practice the Imago Dialogue can be found at http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/imago_dialogue.html

Couplehood can be seen as a spiritual path as new ways of relating can help humanity emerge according to the Institute. In fact, there is another website for this mission as it relates to couples: http://www.couplehoodasaspiritualpath.com/.

Singles are not excluded from participation in the Imago process and in fact may consider the work before getting involved in a relationship. Imago can teach valuable relationship skills for singles who have noticed that their experiences with primary partners follow a particular pattern they want to break. Fortunately the work has grown alot over the years and a certified Imago therapist can be found in many places throughout North America through the Institute's directory. One can learn the Imago Dialogue in individual sessions or through a workshop. Dr. Hendrix's book can be found in most bookstores or on Amazon.