Military weddings, military marriage: walking the walk
photo: Jeffrey Avellanosa/Creative Commons license
Whitney Coleman is a business reporter for the The News Tribune in Tacoma, WA; she contacted me a couple weeks ago for an article she was cooking up about a specialty cake business that continues to thrive during the recession (you can read that article here.)
When she's not writing up a storm, Whitney's working on getting her own August 2009 wedding together; not only is she planning the ceremony long-distance, but mostly without the presence of her actively-deployed fiance. I asked her to write a few thoughts on what it’s like to plan not only a military wedding, but for life as a military spouse. Here is her article:
A military engagement: bracing for a life of flexibility
- a guest column by Whitney K. Coleman
I am not the only one, I tell myself.
I have plenty of company amongst military wives who wish on a regular basis that their men didn’t have to leave.
And I am not the only military-wife-to-be who shudders at her honey’s request that I, once again, “be flexible.”
Apparently, no one told the Navy that “flexibility” is extremely inconvenient to the engagement process. Some brides devote up to a year of their lives to planning the Big Day and every detail of the life that will follow. Telling her that all her plans are “subject to change” at the Navy’s whim will go over about as well as her dad’s suggestion that she rent a wedding dress off Ebay.
But this is what I signed up for when I first fell in love with that knight in shining uniform. My mother, an Air Force wife, dutifully warned me that no matter how high I rank in his heart, I will always — for all practical purposes — come second to the Navy’s needs.
And, for now, the Navy needs my fiancé to be in some undisclosed foreign country instead of by my side, meditating on guest lists and color combinations.
It’s really not that bad (she said, glowing over a little turtle trinket he brought her back from a recent deployment). We cope. And in the midst of it, we glean a little wisdom that could help others’ relationships — long-distance or otherwise. Here are some of my favorite life lessons thus far:
Communication: Skype is a many-splendid thing. Download the FREE Internet-video-chat-magic as soon as possible if separated from your betrothed. Two cameras and an (unreliable) Internet connection allow us to fake a little face-to-face time… or make googly eyes at one another once we’re tired of talking.
Also, don’t discount technological advances such as e-mail, phone calls and the United States Postal Service (you too can share his “letters from war” with your grandchildren).
Expectations: These are the female curse when it comes to relationships. We wake up with to-do lists dancing in our heads and don’t deal well when things don’t go according to plan.
My fiancé and I have had to be very clear about our expectations, especially when it comes to the limited amount of time we have together. For example, we each e-mailed each other lists of what we would like to accomplish during our three weekends together in April (the only time we’ll have until the August wedding).
His list began with prepping for his next deployment, which, sadly, could include working during some of those precious weekend hours. Mine entailed engagement pictures (it’d be nice if he were in them), registering for gifts and pre-marital counseling.
I am thankful for his perspective. He helps me maintain realistic expectations by speaking what I call “worst case scenario,” a.k.a. the language of the military.
Top Secret vs. The Investigative Journalist: My fiancé’s military job is super hush-hush, which I respect (and think is pretty cool.) I, however, am a newspaper reporter, where my calling is to find out all the secrets, especially those of the government.
You can imagine the inherent tension when he can’t tell me something “for my own good.” Not only am I curious and genuinely interested, but I have this (possibly ill-placed) notion that it’s my right. Inevitably, I concede to request answers only on a need-to-know basis. I’ve realized that it’s much easier to say to other parties, “I don’t know” than “I could tell you, but I’d have to you-know-what.”
Patience: This grand virtue is applicable to nearly every area of military engagement — and life.
Besides waiting for his arrivals home from deployments (which are almost always delayed), I must be patient with myself.
Marrying the military carries with it a huge learning curve. I have to acquire an entire language of abbreviations and code names to keep up, and with him out of pocket I don’t get much practice. For example, I recently answered someone who asked which squadron he is in with, “Um, the one with red and yellow on the patch?”
The journalist in me hates feeling uninformed, but I am learning to ask questions… especially of other military wives (who sometimes know more than their husbands).
My advice to myself (and to prospective wives of men in any profession) is to do some research and show him you’re invested in his field as much as he is.
After all, he’s worth it.
Whitney, many thanks for sharing your experiences and insights with us and best wishes for a sweet and long life together (and a terrific wedding!)
National Wedding and Marriage Examiner Elizabeth Oakes welcomes your feedback at weddingexaminer@gmail.com; you can easily share this story or subscribe by clicking on the buttons at the top of this column, or read more of Elizabeth's stories by clicking here.
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