The following is a list of stupid questions that vegans get asked with some tongue-in-cheek responses for your entertainment. Please note, I could go into immense detail to seriously address each and every one of these questions, but I will save that for later FAQs. Enjoy!
1) Don't you miss cheese?
I miss cheese about as much as I miss drinking Pepto-Bismol as a kid.
2) If everyone went vegan, wouldn't animals take over the world?
Yes, animals would take over the world and cows would be breaking down our doors! You do realize that these animals exist only because we breed them into existence, right?
3) Aren't you hurting plants?
Plants do not have central nervous systems, therefore are not sentient, therefore do not feel pain. C'mon, really?
4) Where do you get your protein?
Newsflash!! Almost ALL foods contain protein and guess what? We don't even need to combine them! This question must be straight out of 1983.
5) Do you eat fish?
Biology 101: Fish belong to the ANIMAL kingdom.
6) Wouldn't cows explode if we didn't milk them?
Why don't you go ask a mother that did not breast feed if her breasts are still intact. The only reason cows GIVE milk is because they are pregnant. Again, Biology 101.
7) Why don't you care about people?
I don't know about you, but I am capable of caring about more than one thing at a time. I guess someone with two children can only care about one of them with that logic.
8) Where do you get calcium if you don't drink milk?
Broccoli, brussels sprouts and most leafy greens offer more available calcium than cow's milk. Brussels sprouts clock in at around 64% absorption and I believe cow's milk clocks in somewhere around 32%. Where do you think cultures that don't drink milk get their calcium, dummy?
9) What do you eat, like salads and tofu?
Sometimes I throw in some iceberg lettuce for variety!
10) Isn't it hard being vegan?
Isn't it hard ripping through the greasy crust of a chicken wing, chewing around the cartilage, then picking the tendons out of your teeth afterwards? The only thing hard about being vegan is dealing with all these stupid, nonsensical questions.
Comments
These all seem very defensive. I don't think people are necc. attacking you by asking these questions.
Oh boy! Number 10 is brilliant... Thanks for all of it :) Go Vegan
Anonymous -- maybe they're not attacking you, but they are asking incredibly asinine questions in hopes of "catching" you and proving that veganism is dumb. And that is annoying as heck.
Disclaimer: I'm a vegan.
This is going to be held up as an example of why vegans are jerks. And you know what? This vegan *is* a jerk. Save this kind of crap for personal conversations with your friends, assuming they haven't heard it before (they have). Don't post it publicly in your role as a vegan representative. Philadelphia Vegan Examiner, you're doing a pretty poor job of making veganism (and vegans) look approachable.
Disclaimer 2: I'm also a vegan.
This is very true! Even if the questions get annoying, and people don't seem to understand, we shouldn't give vegans a bad name. We are the peaceful ones, and we should show that
Thanks for the link to Vegan Outreach -- I hope people find the site useful. Be sure to send feedback!
@MattBall No problem! I always send people your way ;)
@foon I'm sorry you feel that way. I think I made it clear from the beginning of the post that is was meant to be satire. I think people need to see that vegans also have a sense of humor. Also, I answer any question pertaining to veganism on my blog in a serious, informative fashion. I am also a freelance writer and have written many vegan FAQ columns and even answer questions for teens and kids in a prominent veg journal. So, for you to say I am doing a poor job of making vegans look approachable is pretty offensive and completely untrue.
@TracyWarner I'm glad you understand the reason behind this post and are able to see the humor.
@BeaElliot thanks, I thought that one was pretty funny ;)
@Anonymous I think Tracy hit the nail right on the head in response to your comment.
In regards to #8 I would be curious to know where you got the information that brussell sprouts have a 68% calicum absorption.
I agree with some of the others that the tone of this article isn't doing any good for the animals or the planet. Even if it was meant to be funny.
To any vegetarians or omnis reading this. Yes, you are right, there a lot of adolescent attitudes among vegans. However veganism itself, IMHO, is about a lot of powerful and positive changes for a better world that everyone can make with very little investment.
While there a lot of people with bad attitudes there are a lot of cool vegan who are about making a positive difference.
Please judge us as individuals
Steve,
I just corrected the article. It wasn't 68%, it was 64%. Either way, that's a pretty insignificant difference and it's only an average. Here are two sources for that information:
dairygoodness.ca/en/consumers/be-well/health-milk-products/importance-dairy-products/calcium-absorption.htm
pcrm.org/health/veginfo/calcium.html
I am sorry you are so bent out of shape about the article. As I clearly stated in the beginning of the article, this is merely tongue-in-cheek satire, that's it. Take it or leave it. The overall response to this article both here and on my blog has been positive. Most people have a sense of humor. I'm a positive vegan, hence my ability to joke about it.
I get asked all of these (except for #7) at least once a week! And the point of putting these out there, I think, is just to raise awareness amongst non-vegans. Judging from these other comments, I think you've done a great job. And I dream of the day when #2 becomes true... :)
What a bunch of poo. You people don't get asked none of this crap, because no one gives a crap about what you eat. It's funny how you give a crap what other people eat though.. it's not affecting you any, so shut up.
defensive much? if this was supposed to be funny you missed the mark
This was great! I love #10.
@mace or, maybe you just have no sense of humor. I hardly find this "defensive" in any way.
@meme If you've talked to any vegan, ever, you would know people ask these idiotic questions on a daily basis. It's one thing when the question is an honest one, but 95% of the time, they are just defensive stones thrown by carnists to try to "catch" vegans and make them look hypocritical, or belittle the movement.
You say that your eating habits don't affect us, but the the truth is THEY DO. First, it's taking a major toll on the health care system which I ultimately pay for out of MY taxes, as meat and dairy contribute to most illness and disease in this country.
Secondly, even the UN stated that animal agriculture causes more greenhouse gases and environmental devastation than all of the cars, buses, trains, ships, and planes in the world COMBINED. So, when you're destroying the environment, that affects me.
Lastly, your unthoughtful actions are continually killing defenseless animals completely unnecessarily for no other reason, but to satisfy your taste for flesh. Saying it's none of my business would be like a child molester saying that their actions are none of your business because they don't affect you.
It's complete ignorance to go on doing what you're doing and thinking that it has no affect on anyone else. Look around. Wake up!
Many vegans I've met are obsessed with being vegan (same goes for macrobiotics people). I like vegan food but don't have the discipline or regular eating habits NEVER to eat any animal products. Maybe you need the obsessive discipline in order to be vegan.
Eco-Eating at www.brook.com/veg for more info
You sound very angry for a person who has made such a sensible, planet-friendly decision as being a vegan. questions like the calcium one are perfectly reasonable and the asker hardly deserves to be called 'dummy'. also, no need to mock chicken-wing-eaters. to each his or her own. maybe too much caffeine for you?
Stupid questions. Vicious, condescending, rude answers. You're not exactly doing a great job convincing us of your healthy, happy, nondestructive lifestyle there, Mr. Coffin.
Questions I'd like to ask a Vegan - What is the atmosphere like on your planet Vega? Did it take long to get here? If you are in your spaceship traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on your headlights, does anything happen? Why are most of your species arrogant jerks?
Wow! So this is what online newspaper content is coming to...neither informative nor entertaining...but definitely self-righteous and defensive...SF Chron: bring back the laid off real journalists that know how to write satire and make their point while doing so...
How about vegans who are always making unsolicited holier-than-thou remarks to their friends and co-workers, like "how can you eat cr*p like that?" Very well, thank you.
As a recent vegan (6 months), I can't tell you how many negative (sometimes really angry)comments that I get from strangers, friends and family about my choice. I wasn't expecting it since it was a personal/spiritual choice and i am not preachy/judgmental about what other people eat. Thanks for your sense of humor and also articulating the frustration that many of us feel.
This vegan person needs to learn tolerance for other points of view. Yes, you are defensive, and aggressive in all of your answers. If you want to evangelize your cause, this attitude will not win you many converts. Satire? You simply demonstrate that you don't know what that word means.
What is missing from your diet that makes you so condescending and snappy? Here's question #11 for you, "Why do vegans always get so angry when I ask them about their eating habits?"
If veganism accounts for Ed Coffin's obnoxious persona, then, thank you much, but I'd sooner eat red meat.
you are just so smart aren't you?!? nothing like smart-ass answers from a de facto spokesman for vegans to give the majority another reason to hate. great job jackass! and how come no one who is a vegan ever looks really healthy? that's the main reason i hear people give for not going vegan.
Completely hilarious and for those that think people never ask us these questions: yes, they do! A lot!
LOVE IT!!
especially #1 and 10- i get that ALL the time!
This made me laugh out loud--especially number 9! I think many of your readers don't understand that people do ask these questions of vegans over and over and over. Sometimes they are honest questions and sometimes they are meant to bait vegans. It's nice to see someone write about this with a sense of humor!
This article is funny to those of us that get asked these questions every time someone finds out that we are vegan. Don't listen to them Ed.
It seems that the only readers that like this attempt at satire are vegans, which supports my belief that this is nothing but one big inside joke. Again, this is poor journalism, writing and a waste of space in a major metropolitan newspaper. It did nothing to entertain or inform. It should have stayed in the Philadelphuia Vegan Times. What vegan editor selected this ?
Many of the questions on your list could be asked by people who genuinely want information about a diet free from animal products. You had an opportunity here to educate people. But instead you had to display an aren't-you-stupid-for-asking attitude.
I'm sure you thought this approach was cute, and it will no doubt get you some points with some of your fellow vegans. It's easy to preach to the choir. But you've turned off everyone else off -- including people who might be considering a meat-free diet.
Oh, and by the way, I am no carnivore with a bad conscience. I'm a vegetarian moving towards becoming a vegan -- but I am absolutely disgusted by your attitude. No wonder meat-eaters think vegetarians and particularly vegans are sanctimonious jerks.
As a vegetarian I got to say you come off as a real a-hole in your article. Those questions (aside #2, 5, and 6) are all valid. Don't be a dick about it. You end up sounding like someone who actually resents the fact that they don't eat meat and are acting cranky because of it. I'm sure that's not the case, but it sure comes off like that.
Meat is murder! Yummy Yummy Murder!
wow!!! this was so gay!!! =P
Wow, way to get the hits, man. What all these angry people don't know is that the more angry they get and the more friends they tell, the more money goes to the evil vegans. bwahaha. It's not actually satire, either. This is what we actually WANT to say in answer to these questions, but are too polite and understanding to actually say. SO yeah, this article is angry, and it took a lot to post this just for this reason- the angry replies we get every day. Thanks Ed!
It's amazing the amount of people that have read this article and simply bypassed the first paragraph. So, here it is for you to read:
"The following is a list of stupid questions that vegans get asked with some tongue-in-cheek responses for your entertainment. Please note, I could go into immense detail to seriously address each and every one of these questions, but I will save that for later FAQs. Enjoy!"
Note the words "tounge-in-cheek" and "entertainment". It is clearly stated that this was in no way meant to be a serious article. Not only that, but I went out of my way to provide a link to some real answers to vegans FAQs over at Vegan Outreach. To top it all of, I plan to answer all of these questions seriously in detail in future posts.
A lot of people have accused me of being defensive. Well, if you are not familiar with the definition of the word, here it is:
defensive: serving to defend or protect
-Merriam Webster
By that definition, I am glad to admit that yes, I am defensive about veganism. I am serving to defend the ideologies of justice and protect the lives of animals. As for the comments posted to this article, it seems that most of them are self-defensive responses to defend and protect actions that your brains detect as moral wrongs.
When I read this, I figured it was just a take-off on Letterman, nothing meant to be mean.
In my environment, I find a lot of defensive, hostile meat eaters who feel threatened as soon as they find out I don't eat meat.
I don't preach, I just simply explain what I'm eating if asked. The trouble comes when I don't accept nonvegan food. People want to know why I think there's something wrong with their food.
Keep writing, Ed! :)
Agriculture 101: Mammals are killed in great numbers during the harvesting of fields. Cows do not kill other animals while they graze.
Ethics 101: Is it better to kill 10 animals to eat some soy tofu, or 1 to eat some beef? You you want to do less harm, eating beef is the ethical choice.
Fields are harvested to fee cows too.
Thing is, Ed, you're just not very funny.
Hey you meatheads look so cute with your spinning heads splorging green bile - I guess I have to admit I do miss it every once in a while.
Being that I have been a vegan for many years, this was funny to me. I get these questions ALL the time when I tell people that I'm vegan. I find it adorable how meat eaters insist that being a vegan is difficult, without ever having tried it (apparently not many food stores carry a produce section, at the very least). It's a shame some commenter's take food so seriously. OMG how dare you make a joke about annoying questions that are so frequently asked by people who didn't even take a second to think about the answer.
People are omnivores. Get over it. You, personally, can eat whatever the hell you want; I don't care, and don't need to know. The only thing stupid about this article and these questions is that some editor thought this would be informative and/or entertaining. It fails in both categories.
I was a vegan. Not anymore. But consider going back every so often. I think questions 1 and 10 are fine. These are questions I'd expect from friends and family who aren't vegan or familiar with it and are curious about it. Not annoying. 4 and 8 are only annoying because people usually act like they know what they're talking about. But if they were asked in a sincere manner I wouldn't find them the slightest bit annoying.
The rest aren't just annoying, but stupid.
I've been a vegan for over 15 years.
To people who are not vegan, I would like to ask you not to form an opinion about all vegans based on the attitude of the author of this article.
In any kind of grouping of people outside of work where people are free to express themselves you are going to find people with off the wall attitudes.
This is particularly true for internet forums and comment sections which tend to bring out more extreme personalities.
It is no different with veganism and vegans.
Many of us are vegan because we care about animals, the health of the planet and our own health.
Most of use are down to Earth people who work jobs like you do, have a sense of proportion, have a sense of humor and are well socialized. We look,dress, act and speak just like you. We want many of the same things.
If you want to judge someone, judge the author and on this post of his only.
Thanks
Wow dude, "simple lifestyle questions/joking questions that make my blood boil because of how self righteous and angry I am" would have been a more accurate title.
I'm glad the vegans I hang out with aren't gigantic A-holes.
great work, Ed!
to those who appear to be openly <i>against</i> veganism, please don't judge the vegan lifestyle based on a few encounters with the zealots. We aren't all stark-raving mad and don't all deteste those that eat meat simply for that reason. You haven't met every one of us, so please don't categorize based on faulty assumptions or the actions of a few.
Like Ed stated in the beginning of this article, these responses are meant to be comical. If you prefer factual information to these questions, look it up. Please don't belittle Ed and his article because you didn't find it comical. If you don't experience this types of questions daily (like the majority of us vegans living in a non-vegan world), you simply won't understand the humor in them. Please don't condescend what you don't understand.
For Jacob 202......99% or more of meat you purchase comes from factory-raised animals....who don't graze, because they are inside their whole lives until they are killed. Obviously, cows eat what they are fed by the humans who enslave them; and this plant-and-animal-based matter contains the death you referenced from the harvesting of plants, plus the animal's own relatives, ground up after being killed. (Cow are naturally herbivores; if humans hadn't fed cows other cows, BSE, mad cow disease, would probably not exist; and yes, cows can get along just fine without humans). Further, nonhuman animals consume larger quantities of food than humans. So eating cows, or any other animal, results in MORE death than eating a plant-based diet. If you're going to eat meat, dairy, eggs, etc., you'll probably look a lot smarter if you just admit that your weakness is your taste buds; ethics and concern for other beings are lower on your list.
Actually, the only reasons these animals exist is because God created them.
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