Why Britney Spears needs a vampire boyfriend

Vampire boyfriend where are you?!

Poor Britney Spears. We've all seen her go to pieces in the last few years, first losing her good-girl image after Timberlake admitted they did it (a lot) without having taken the sacred vows of marriage. Then we watched her have one disastrous marriage (which ended after only a few days), followed shortly thereafter by yet another calamitous marriage with K-Fed (AKA total-loser/gold-digger/rapper wanna-be), during which time Britney popped out two kids, had a nervous breakdown and shaved her head. I don't bring all this up because I am suggesting we feel sorry for her. She's got her hot bod back, recently won an award for her new album, didn't make a total fool of herself while giving her thank-you speech, and her new album is actually pretty good. Yes, she has embarrassed herself a few times while on tour, but the tour has been successful and many shows have sold out. But my point is: Britney could have avoided all of her career mishaps and been prevented from making such a fool of herself if she had just had a nice vampire boyfriend to reel in the crazy Britney behavior. A vampire boyfriend could have definitely helped her out.

Just think about it! Vampires are old and wise and know how a lot about maintaining a good public image, whether that be an image openness as in Mr. Bill Compton gaining acceptance in the small southern town of Bon Temps, LA, or be it an image of secrecy, mystery and intrigue as in Edward Cullen's persona of "hey there's no vampire here I'm just a totally hot dude who does my own thing and doesn't hang out in the sun. DEAL WITH IT." A vampire could have helped Britney get and maintain a great public image, whatever public image she wanted, while helping her have whatever crazy dark and twisted (or just idiotic) private life she wanted. Because when a vampire is in the room, there is no such thing as a hidden camera. Their keen sense of hearing and sight would prevent that, and in turn prevent the truth that is idiot Britney from leaking to the general public. And you KNOW a vampire boyfriend would have never let Britney go clubbing with Paris Hilton, especially without panties on.

Further, vampires are great with money. They know how to manage it well, invest well, and spend it well. If Britney had been dating a vampire she would have always had enough money to do whatever she wanted without having to worry about someone on her staff (or that creepazoid manager she used to have) spending it poorly or taking advantage of her. Her vampire boyfriend would have put her on a comfortable allowance and yet also alleviated all her money worries by swiftly destroying whoever sought to destroy Britney. He would protect her finances - correction - he would protect her from EVERYTHING. Most importantly, he would protect her from herself.

Third point: vampires know how to travel discreetly. They are only seen when they want to be seen. So all of those papparazo Britney sightings of when she had gained a little weight, had her hair in a crazy looking bun, had a fried chicken leg sticking out the side of her mouth, shaved her head, been high on drugs, and again the whole no panties thing - none of those would have happened. Her vampire boyfriend would have made sure that whenever the crazy Brit came out to play, the papparazo would be nowhere to be found. Either because her vampire would have killed said papparazo by, I don't know, maybe faking a tornado to touch down in L.A. (hey it happened in Bon Temps), or by whisking crazy Brit away from public eye in his fast race car. Or just by levitating and flying away with her cuddled in his cold vampire arms. Either way, problem solved.

Moreover, if the crazy Brit personality decided to dominate over nice Britney personality and vampire boyfriend's mad skills did not prevail over crazy Brit by mortal intervention, immortal intervention ALWAYS works. Vampire boyfriend could always glamour crazy Brit to do whatever he wanted so she didn't make a total fool out of herself at important events like award shows, premieres and going to Starbucks. And to keep crazy Brit happy, vampire boyfriend would always be there to supply her with v-juice, amazing vampire sex, and super vampire strength to protect her from the many threats she must face day to day in her difficult life in Beverly Hills. Plus she would have someone to talk to for hours when she's stoned. After all, who better to discuss deep philosophical topics with when you're high than your erudite vampire boyfriend whose been around for a few hundred years? Seriously, he probably LIVED through the Age of Enlightenment himself!

After said vampire boyfriend had successfully managed Brit's millions, created a fetching public image for her, kept her from popping out thousands of kids and saved her own masochistic tendencies, Britney would find herself sitting pretty as a widely acclaimed lip-syncher/gazillionare whose tight abs and ass would make young women all over the world feel inadequate and hate themselves for years! Plus everyone would want to know more about her alluring, attractive, bewitching boyfriend who is never seen during the day but always attends the evening award shows and other nighttime engagements. Everyone would swoon to see such a devoted boyfriend who seemingly has no flaws. (Except that he's dead.)

Then, just when you didn't think it could get any better, said vampire boyfriend could turn Britney into a vampire when she hits 30 so that for the next 30 years everyone would wonder how Britney looks so amazing all the time and ask "what is her secret?" For awhile, she could claim her secret was CoverGirl, which would bring in more money in an amazing advertising endorsement campaign. Eventually she would have to leave the public eye to escape the scrutiny as people began to wonder why she never ages, thusly faking her own death, transferring her gazillion dollars safely away to an account where it cannot be traced back to her (I don't know how one would do that but I can promise you said vampire boyfriend would). She would then disappear from public eye forever to live out a humble vampire existence with said vampire boyfriend.

PERFECT SOLUTION. If only Britney had dated a vampire such public debaucheries such as Adnan, shaved head, baby with no car seat, 72-hour marriage, rehab stint, again, THE PANTY INCIDENT, and her MTV movie awards ghastly "comeback performance" would never have been. Luckily it appears Britney is getting her shiz together now. But the shiz could have stayed together waaaaay easier if Britney had just found a nice bloodsucker to share her life with. Wait, what is this photo to the left here? Damn she looks FIERCE. Maybe she did find him after all. Britney, you look so good. Tell me, what is your secret????