For a brief period (two years) of opportunistic curiosity, I worked on cruise ships, or, as I lovingly referred to them, three thousand drunks and one designated driver. I had heard it was one of the easiest ways to sit back and make a very decent buck. I had also heard it was one of the easiest ways to lose your soul. I never actively pursued it. One night, after performing in a huge theater, I was approached by the booking representative of one of the major cruise lines.
Let’s just say, for the ease and sake of my handlers here at Examiner, that it was no particular world class cruise company. If it sounds anywhere from vaguely to frighteningly familiar, you’ve been either a passenger or a colleague.
The ‘guest performer’ rank, like any other rank, has its privileges. One of the main privileges is a unique perspective on many levels (no pun... well, yeah we’ll get into that in a bit). First of all, you join the cruise halfway into its week. You are replacing another performer who has been on the ship since the middle of the previous week, and so on, etc, ad infinitum et tu Brute.
In a nutshell, you finish their week by performing at the Farewell Show, stay on board as that bunch of passengers leave the next day (and a new batch come on board) and then perform that night at the Welcome Aboard show. You stay until you're replaced mid-week by another guest entertainer and the whole thing starts to look like an Escher print. This way the passengers get to see two different guest performers. By the way, by ‘guest performer’ (and if you don’t know by now), I mean that I’ve paid the bills for the last thirty years making a living as a (groan, I hate telling people this) comedian.
I got to stay in the crew section, which is the one part of the ship where the crew doesn’t have to smile- and they freakin' don’t. Anywhere outside the crew section, it’s Gopher, Julie and Captain Stubing. Anywhere inside the crew section, Das Boot.
The crew is said to be comprised of some fifty five nationalities. Up top, everybody works together in a living It’s A Small World tapestry. Down below, everybody keeps to their own countrymen. The crew cafeteria, which was just a few yards from the comedian’s quarters, was the closest thing to a prison mess hall I’d ever seen. All the different groups stick to themselves in every nook and cranny. They all stop talking long enough to look up and give you the stink eye. You are, after all, the fifty sixth nationality. You’re the guest performer for the week
The crew’s animosity for the guest performer can be anywhere from passive to unbridled. They resent you. You are an intruder, making a lot of money for very little work, while they have to scrub toilets and adhere to a ‘ten foot rule’. The ten foot rule states that every crew member has to smile when coming within ten feet of a passenger.
They leave their dirty dishes outside your door. Don’t bother leaving the ‘do not disturb’ sign outside your door, if you even have one. They’ll steal it or reverse it just for kicks. One dancer in the onboard production company even said, “Oh, you’re the comedian? I’m going to (bodily function) on your door tonight when I get back.”
Oh, there’s another perk to your living quarters. It’s directly below the crew gymnasium. Let me rephrase that- it’s directly below the 24/7 crew gymnasium. No, let me put it this way- it’s directly below the weight room of the 24/7 crew gymnasium.
Next chapter: It’s showtime!
Stay tuned, my babies.
Comments
As a stage manager on cruise ships for two years I worked with a lot of people like you. FWIW: I have all kinds of articles about crew life. Pretty much you get back whatever you put in. For a dancer to have said that to you I'm guessing you said something not too gratifying about their show during your act.
Maybe ships aren't for you, and in that case, anyone reading this should take anything you say with a grain of salt.
>>>Paul Motter said: As a stage manager on cruise ships for two years I worked with a lot of people like you.
Like me? Doubt it. Unless you mean a professional, conscientious, very nice guy who gives everybody the benefit of the doubt until they prove him wrong. You mean people like that?
And every Stage Manager I worked with, by the way, loved working with me.
>>>I have all kinds of articles about crew life.
Now you have another.
>>>For a dancer to have said that to you I'm guessing you said something not too gratifying about their show during your act.
Well, you guessed wrong, Paul. This happened three days before my show on a ship I never worked on before with a cast I never worked with before. I never put down the ship, the cast or the crew. I really tried to fit in and I was very polite and cooperative with the Cruise Director, Captain and everybody else. I was there, you weren’t.
>>>Maybe ships aren't for you, and in that case, anyone reading this should take anything you say with a grain of salt.
Not a maybe, Paul. I think the article states that. I'm just not the kind of fella to walk away and suppress a very negative experience.
Jeepers, you better hold onto your hat. this is only part one.
Unfortuately Paul, I would have to disagree with you. I have been on many a cruise ship and have experienced and heard worse horror stories. I welcome a glimpse from behind the sugar-coated curtain of public relations. Thank you from Canada.
And I can't wait for part two :) If working aboard a cruise ship was this hilarous I get a job tomorrow!
Nice article, but I have to comment on your spelling.
"...everybody keeps to there own countrymen..."
Should the "their".
IMO you'd have to be a comedian to want to stay anywhere other than on the passenger side.
Thanks Steve... I'll fix it. Sorry :)
I've been working on cruise ships since 2004. My experience has been if you show an interest in people of other cultures, they warmly welcome you into their tribe and, in fact, love to show you their lives. I always tell newbies to make friends with the Indonesians, since they have the best food on board in the crew mess. As others have said, life in the crew quarters is certainly what you make of it. The more you give freely of yourself, the more you get in return.
What is the pay like as a stand up comedian on a cruise ship?
Christ it is going to take 5 months for someone to reply!
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